Friday, April 8, 2011

To understand thyself...

*Originally wrote on May 15th, 2010*

You would think being a 24 [soon-to-be quarter of a century old person hot diggity dogness] I would understand my workings more.  I honestly question what I really do know, truely know about me...I used to know what I did NOT like to eat, but found out as I got older that I pretty much like everything, and I absolutely love all the things I hate...veggies and right now onions and mushrooms (yummness).  So if this is just with food how sad that I don't honestly know much on myself.  I don't know what my subconscious really is thinking, pondering upon.  I seem to recently be having a weight issue, although mine is considered a blessing to some, if it is its the worst kind.  I can't seem to keep my weight up, and I am getting to the point where I wonder what its really going on in my head, what do I really feel like that must be holding me back from getting back to my healthy weight?  I've handed the whole thing over to God...at least I speak that everyday but I must be keeping some part or I would be past this...its made me question everything I do think I know about anything really.  I mean, is there anything that I am certain I know about myself?
My faith!  I KNOW I'm a child of the most high God, I KNOW Jesus Christ died for me, is in my heart, and I KNOW AND LOVE our relationship and all the little ways he speaks to me...the way he reveals himself and his immense love for me, a love that sadly would be the aspect I don't understand really. Why I'll never know, but I don't have to I guess, I'm having a hard enough time figuring myself out much less somebody that states that "my thoughts are above your thoughts, and my ways above your ways, for as the heavens are higher than the earth so are my thoughts than your thoughts, and my ways, your ways" Isiah 55:8-9 (all from memory so I may be off a tink)
I know I love nature, I love plants and fresh air, I care about the environment, hugging trees, and am the kind of person that gets excited about watching things grow!  I never feel as connected to the Lord as I do outside, its like his art gallery, each tree has its own character and is unique touch it adds to everything around it...each leaf, every flower and flower petal, body of water and the whole world that opens up I won't even start on.  I feel at peace outside, connected to him. I love to run, especially outside, around nature!  There is just something about running along with trees, grass, and the warmth of life all around.  How somebody couldn't feel close to Christ I'll never understand.
I love art, painting with my friend is my latest thing, but I've always enjoyed art,  museums, theatre, music, dance, and everything else included.  I've drawn mostly myself, although I also enjoy sowing quits, crocheting, cooking (which I consider an art), scrapbooking, and I'm up for trying just about anything artsyish!  Seeing people through art, seeing their souls in small pieces, its one of the beautiful things in this world.
I love my family. I feel so blessed that God gave me the family I have, even with all their quirks and problems.  Amongst my parents fights, my father's brain tumor &  temper, the over-emotionalness of pretty much everyone, and all the other things my family is so totally awesome.  My father made sure we loved each other, regardless if we wanted to and I'm so thankful.  My sisters love me so much, and while we fight and they annoy the heck out of me sometimes, they truely care and I adore being with them always.  I love my mother, the walking definition of mother. She bakes, cooks, cleans, gardens, paints, sows, quilts, croches...the women grows her own yeast to make her own homemade bread for goodness sake.  But mostly she loves the Lord with all her heart, mind, soul, & strength and although she's not perfect by any means, I look up dearly to her.   My father was almost the same, aside from the temper & tumor he was still an awesome dad.  He had a wondeful sense of humor, could grow anything, fix most anything, and honestly knew most everything, but mostly he was a family man. He was good with computers, medical stuff, math, english, history, and was the best at being a dad.  This took me a while to realize, but he tried with all his being to be the perfect father and have the family he never got to have, and thanks to him he are the close family we are.  I will never trade the time I got to take care of him near the end of the life...never in a million lifetimes. I am also thankful for non-blood family, my best friend I would never trade, and she is probably the only non related person who has never stopped believing or loving me...her parents took the role as my parents also (my second set lol) and her family became my family also. We can read each other and I feel that we really are related, although not according to legal standards.
All this doesn't help that I still am no closer to discovering my inner mental issues I have, but what did I really expect just typing on a blog would really reveal?  That I like to ramble a bit too much?  I have discovered at least a few things I am certain of, my 'firm foundation' that we all need. ..As long as I keep handing it over to the Lord, I know he'll get me though this, and I'll discover new things about myself along the way!
If you survived my first blog EVER...congrats!  Be kind in judgments is all I ask...

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