Running in Heavenly Fog

Running today, the beauty of autumn still lingers as winter begins to take hold.

The Holy Spirit begins to settle all around me as a fog, I run towards it and He fills my lungs. As I breathe Him in He revitalizes me. Filling my lungs with each breath, releasing all the negative events of late.

One little tear at a time, the Lord begins to cry, cry for all those hurt and hurting, cry for the unfathomable love He feels for each and every one of us as He walks with us every moment of every day. He helps me release and all of the sudden I take off. Running faster and faster...all my emotions out, my fears out, my sorrow, running myself out so I can let more of Him in.

I run as fast as I can till I have nothing left.  Then the rain changes, from tear drops of understanding to his baptism. With every drop I am reborn in His image.  Recreated within His love. I feel a bond with all the nature around me, I become one with all of His creation. We running with Him....and I feel empowered!

Now I run quickly again, but not because of running away, not to empty my spirit but to fill it!  I can't get enough of His presence. I want more of Him, bless me oh Lord, BLESS ME.

Fog lies before me again and as my body tires I push myself toward it, I need to reach it. To feel His embrace once more and as I finally approach it I feel an intense love for me, one I don't understand.  One I don't deserve but gladly accept.

I finish my run with a new rejuvenated focus on my Heavenly Father and a greater connection with nature.  I needed this and praise the Lord for those in my life who understand this bond, and help motivate me to move beyond my fears of failure, of others hurting me, and most of all my fear of letting others down and what they want for me instead of worrying about letting myself down. Of figuring out what I want for me.  I realize due to my past I've created, to keep myself away from myself.

I cannot wait to rediscover who this Child of Christ really is, once she lets go of everything holding her back.

From Running Away to Running Towards

Life goes by so quickly sometimes, changing in a blink of an eye.  So many things have occurred within the last few weeks its amazing, especially within the last few days, and yet-because He is with me-I will be alright.
So my grandmother died 2 weeks ago and having 9 living children (2 deceased) and no set will with a bunch of hearsay makes things interesting to say the least.

I cannot say I have a great deal of memories regarding my grandmother really, whenever we went down she was generally gossiping about one of her children so my sisters and I just went and watched TV most days, unless actual plans were made.  I only have one gift my grandmother gave me, a little bear when I was 9 years old which I still have today. 

It took a while for me to truly grasp the totality of what that meant.  It didn't really effect me too much it seemed and honestly the whole time I was more concerned about my mother because I know how close she was to her mom and I hadn't seen her really grieve. 

After going down to Florida for her memorial (which my mother was the speaker of), we left for a family-remembering type gathering afterwards, and along the way it finally came.  As usual all I wanted was to get away from everyone, to run.  From my feelings, from myself, from family.  But I couldn't this time, I HAD to face them, and I HAD to like it. 

As I walked in my cousin's house, her hug welcoming me was strange and uncomfortable and all I wanted was to hide, but of course that wasn't going to work and after a few minutes I grasped my sister, hid in the bathroom, and clung to her as hard as I could, I was held by her and held her in return and cried icy tears upon her shoulder. For the first time I opened up my full emotions to someone else, allowing someone to help me with the burden of my pain. I released.  Afterwards clearing my face, I managed to recollect wonderful memories with my sister and family of our trips to grandmother's house.

Due to disputes among my 8 aunts and uncles, my grandmother still has yet to be dealt with, she was supposed to be cremated, but only when all 9 living children signed in agreement.  This of course caused dissension among them, which stressed my 'peacemaker' mother out.   Well Easter Sunday was when God allowed her to hit the breaking point.  She ended up losing her short term memory, losing the entire last 2-weeks (her mother's death up till the present). She couldn't remember the month, day, where she got her shirt, her purse and shoes, where we were going, what she or we just said, that her mother died, that we had the memorial, or even that she spoke and sang at it.

This scared the crap out of me, but after looking at my older sister I realized I had to get a grip and get over it.  During church I just kept repeating by His stripes she IS healed. After church it started to get worse so we admitted her to a hospital, Tina staying with her and me taking up the responsibility of talking to everybody and informing until visiting hours.

Course this is the exact moment someone picked to discuss another personal matter, once which isn't worth even discussing now, but at the time, with so much going on already, wasn't quite the funnest thing to add on my quite-filled plate. I wanted to so badly but yet...still I couldn't run away, I had to be strong and face what lay head of me,  the feelings I was starting to crack under the weight of.

He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. ³ And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. ⁴ Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. ⁵ And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me. ~Matthew 18:2-5 NKJV

So I became like a child again, clutching my sister now as she cried upon the bed wrapped in the quilt my mother made her mother, ate my aunt's homemade brownies and cookies, and cried myself-finally calling out to my heavenly Father, needing him to give me His strength in these present times of trouble.  The next morning I got up and after my shower I read my devotional and just sat with Him alone for about an hour or so, and the peace that goes beyond understanding came.

Long story short, after a 3-day stay at a local hospital and MANY tests, it ended up being TGA, Transient Global Amnesia.  Basically due to the high amount of emotional stress she was under.  We returned home and although the phone calls from Florida still occur daily, we are basically back to normal.  Of course I wanted to workout, it had been far too long for me doing any form of working out but strangely I really didn't feel like running.  I brushed it off and worked out at the gym, assuming I would the next day, but it came and as beautiful as the day was, I didn't really want to run.  Now this was foreign to me, any ONE of those things would have been more than enough to cause me to go on a crazy, wear out my feelings to God run and after all that not wanting to?  As I worked out at the gym He revealed it to me: for once I didn't need to.  He showed me that despite all the psycho events: losing any chance to grow my relationship with my only grandmother, the scare of mentally losing my mother forever, and other issues-all I needed truly was Him, and I had Him all along.  He helped me form an even stronger bond and open up to my sister in a way I haven't allowed myself really to anyone, grow a relationship with my aunt I never had, and through Him find an inner strength I didn't know I had. 

So I decided that Saturday, I was going to run just for the pure enjoyment. And it was awesome, the gentle breeze upon my face bringing the perfume of the honeysuckles and cologne of the evergreens. The bright blue sky, warmth of the sun upon my shoulders, trees standing guard, and flowers dressed in their best awaiting me to pass.  All of God's creation worshiping Him in His glory in their own unique way with me running by trying to absorb it all within me.  Even during my stretch I was amazed as a spider started to weave a beautiful string masterpiece, one tiny piece of delicate clear thread at a time.

And how long will its hard worked creation last?  A few moments, but long enough for me to enjoy. It's amazing how God even gave each creation a talent or hobby.  Mine I'm not sure of really, but I'll keep trying different things, and enjoying every form of art I find, loving Him with each expression.

Letting my hair down

*Originally written on January 8th, 2011*

Underneath the crystal ice sky the glorious sun envelops, His magnificent warmth embracing me, as He gently carasses my skin.  I begin to move quicker now, getting energized by His power with each step I take down the road well traveled.  Trees guide me along and I begin to lose myself within the anointing falling upon me; the wind pushes me farther into His presence.  For the first time, I raise my hand and slowly release the pressure that holds me back, reminding me of all that I need to attain, to strive for to ever be considered worthy for anyone...for the first time I run with my hair down.

At first, it stays down, not sure of what happened, it quietly lays upon my back but as I keep striving toward Him, it begins to loosen up and soon enough catches the breeze and sways with the world.  I hit a sunny patch and begin to feel as if my hair smiles behind me as it seems to absorb every ray...it begins to dance, dance to its own unique rhythm, its own beat. Reminded of the divine purpose, its reason for being.  It's my crowning glory, my stand of faith-a sign to my Almighty Heavenly Father of my stand in faith, my trust in Him, His power, His decision, and His guidance.  Each strand of hair has a number that God has given it, its very own number, and not one that falls isn't noticed.  

A confidence grows within my heart, my spirit...I am a daughter of God, made in His image, His likeness, shining His light to the world...this run has re-powered me, reminding me of something the world tries to make me forget, but my love for Him I shall never forget.

YOUR power running through me

*Originally written on December 31st, 2010*

Yesterday I traded my run outside for some gym time, wondered as silly as it is, if reworking my schedule was a good idea but brushed it aside after blessing a few people, and being blessed, with some laughter and such on the way out of the gym. God always has you where you are for a reason.

Today I was rewarded with beautiful weather, partly cloudy turned to bright blue cloudless sky. Perfect for my run with the Lord to end the old year and begin a new one...I started out with some music, but soon ditched it for sounds of nature and to get closer to God.

I began having issues keeping myself concentrated on Him of course, since this is  supposed to be my quiet time with the Lord. As I continued though-I told myself I ran with HIS strength, the glory of the sun empowering me, inspiring me.  So finally I went for it!  Went for not an 8 mile run, not my planned 10 mile run, but a 14 mile run, ending the year with a nice long quiet run with God.  As we went, I just had to keep praying for His strength, His power.  Him to be my joints, Him to be my muscles, my lungs, my heart...The desires of the righteous WILL be granted and He put this desire within me.  As the run continued I became more and more focused on Him for He was the only reason I was still going!

When I finally was reaching the end, He actually gave me enough energy to sprint to the end!  I was amazed!  And I KNEW it had to be Him because when I finally reached the end of my 14.7 miles...my strength and energy just-left! All of the sudden I FELT like I had ran over 14 miles lol.  It is just so awesome to know that He cares about our runs, our quiet moments we spend together!

Its a small way the Lord shows His love, but powerful!  It reminds me of how He always has my automatic locks work in my car.  They stopped for a long time, but one day I asked Him to have them work (more to myself than really Him) and He had them work! Now everytime they do I KNOW its Him, His little 'I love you' and 'your in my thoughts' messages for the day.  I cannot wait for this next year and all the many ways my love relationship with the Lord will grow!

Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay gold

*Originally written on September 11th, 2010*

During my run today, as I stared at the holy white and pastel blue accents with golden hues shining through the trees and a line from a book from high school came to mind.

Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay gold

This is from the outsiders after Ponyboy quotes Robert Frost's 'Nothing Gold Can Stay'

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leafs a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

As I continued running, He spoke to me about persuing. I work so hard at persuing the Lord, trying to grow closer to Him and I think He told me that I needed to let Him persue me.  Wow, God wants to persue me!  It takes a bit to really absorb...stop pushing so hard...it goes along with all the other words He's spoken to me, reminding me of peace, how patience is how you handle a storm, be a gentle and quite spirit, and the such.

Then as I finished and did a quick cooldown I turned around to head to my stretching spot and had the golden sun shine all over me and absorb all throughout my being. Which returns me to the quote...why?  What is it about that...something to ponder upon...

Moring Run Together

*Originally written on September 4th, 2010*

There is a spot in my heart that only you can fill

There is a spot in Your heart that only I can fill

Thank You for coming and filling my heart and for giving me the desire and drive to fill Yours...

[I've been reading  Captivating by John & Staci Eldredge and just finished the Romanced section where they talk about how God wants to be romanced and wants to romance us, He wants an intimate relationship and it really put a desire in me to be romanced by God and to try and see how He reaches out daily to show me His unwavering love]

As I began my morning run with the Lord today, I turned on my ipod and began to listen to my music when I felt the Lord tell me to turn it off, that He wanted to sing to me. At first I wondered if I should, but then decided I could turn it off for a little while and if I got tired of silence I could always turn it back on. I was amazed at the music He played for me, just for me.

The orchestra of different insects harmonizing themselves and the breeze whistling softly.  Water trickling as the triangles, frogs adding their beat.  And then I saw God as the great conductor, tuning them all perfectly, and tuning myself also, my feet adding a unique drumming that only I can drum...my breath rhythmically playing notes only I can preform, no one else. I was part of the grand orchestra!

I passed over an opening of the trees and saw the beautiful sky, this day He paints a much softer hue than last time, with such a gentle heavenly glow about it.

"be still and know Me, be still and know that I AM GOD"

As I run I am still with you Lord, Speak to my heart, fill my heart in such a way, such a place only You can fill...let me embrace You and fill Your heart in such a way, such a place that only I can fill. That I was created and woven together just to fill.

I suddenly just wish He could hold me, embrace me, bear me against His chest and let me listen to His heartbeat...and then I open my eyes and beheld how He reached out to me through every branch, trying to embrace me, hold me close to Him, grasp me so tightly and securely...and then I hear it. Amongst the crickets I hear His heart beat, beating along side mine, I feel the warmth that flows out from His chest.  We go a ways this way, Him holding me tightly and me releasing myself, finally opening myself up to Him and all He is, opening places within myself I don't open to anyone, I don't bear upon anybody, the silent places and I release them to him. I hand it all to Him and feel comforted.  Then I smell Him, oh how His scent is amazing!
Better than anything heaven or earth, I soaked it in, absorbed it within myself.  His music continues to play, sometimes as soft as a whisper and sometimes more robust as an opera!

I hear machines in the background, at first it troubles me, but He reveals to me how even the roughness plays a part in the song, for it brings out the majisty of the rest!

Now the tune switches, it changes from God playing just for me to nature singing His praises!  Oh the glorious music and solos from the birds, the grand choir of nature giving their all to show His glory and honor and majesty.  Showing their love and adoration to Him!  and yet still in the background His heart beats alongside my own.

I then begin to hear footsteps with mine, I glance behind me and see no one, we are alone, alone with nature, I am alone with the Lord.  I hear His feet running with mine now, and a smile forms on my face...then He runs past me, and as I turn the corner I see Him, His light brightly shining through the trees past the corner and I speed up to meet Him there.  As I'm running toward Him I realize how dark it had become...you never realize how dark the darkness truly is until you see the honesty of the light.

We run together again, His presence helps me press forward and after a while, we begin to race!  I feel his joy and laughter as we push ourselves faster, and then just slow down and laugh as He grasps me once more.

As I near the end of our run, I begin to slowdown and walk with Him, soak up more of Him before we're through, and He shows me all the glorious morning glories, oh how beautiful they are!  All the purple and white, and then I see this small blue morning glory all alone, radiating the love of God.

"You are unique" He tells me "Small but mighty through Me! You are far more beautiful then these"

Thank you for filling my heart Lord, thank you for revealing Yours to me and allowing me to fill it in such a way that only I can fill. Thank you for spending Your time, Your morning with me, for wanting to spend Your morning romancing me!  Showing me Your love, your beauty and splendor!

God Spots

*originally written on May 28th, 2010*

I was walking on the treadmill (since everyone is against me running till next week due to me being sick recently) and I was listening to Perry Stone on i-touch, 3 episodes of the Manna-Fest and the last one was "Revisit the place of the last visitation" or something of the sort on going back to the places the Lord really spoke to you, or visited you.  I really got to thinking about that idea...it got me thinking about where God has really showed to presence to me, where I have felt him the most.  That would definitely be outside in nature, one of my favorite ways to really reach and connect with the Lord is running on a trail, with trees, wind, sun, clouds, moon, stars, flowers, waters, mountains...I mean how can you NOT see the AWESOMENESS of God!  Truly all nature sings the majesty and fear of our Heavenly Father!  The world is his masterpiece and as an artist and art lover (& tree-hugger lol), I guess that might be why that's where I feel closest to him. That & its in my blood, my father lovedoutside, I think he truly expressed the nature God truly created within him. My grandmother on my mom's side also loves planting & has always had one of the greenest thumbs I've ever seen (besides my Dad's-no one's is as green as my Dad's is) & this love has been transferred into my mother now, & so I'm basically getting it on all sides!
It reminds me of the book the Giving Tree (it is a short read if you haven't) but in the book the boy always returns to the the tree thoughout his life whenever he needed something, even just a place to rest and feel loved & cared for, even as an old man, and that is what it reminds me of.  The Lord comforts me, holds me & shows himself whenever I am out in his creation, in his world he made that was very good...that he made especially for us to enjoy, respect, & take care of.
Anyhoo, my question to you is...
...So where is your God spot?

To understand thyself...

*Originally wrote on May 15th, 2010*

You would think being a 24 [soon-to-be quarter of a century old person hot diggity dogness] I would understand my workings more.  I honestly question what I really do know, truely know about me...I used to know what I did NOT like to eat, but found out as I got older that I pretty much like everything, and I absolutely love all the things I hate...veggies and right now onions and mushrooms (yummness).  So if this is just with food how sad that I don't honestly know much on myself.  I don't know what my subconscious really is thinking, pondering upon.  I seem to recently be having a weight issue, although mine is considered a blessing to some, if it is its the worst kind.  I can't seem to keep my weight up, and I am getting to the point where I wonder what its really going on in my head, what do I really feel like that must be holding me back from getting back to my healthy weight?  I've handed the whole thing over to God...at least I speak that everyday but I must be keeping some part or I would be past this...its made me question everything I do think I know about anything really.  I mean, is there anything that I am certain I know about myself?
My faith!  I KNOW I'm a child of the most high God, I KNOW Jesus Christ died for me, is in my heart, and I KNOW AND LOVE our relationship and all the little ways he speaks to me...the way he reveals himself and his immense love for me, a love that sadly would be the aspect I don't understand really. Why I'll never know, but I don't have to I guess, I'm having a hard enough time figuring myself out much less somebody that states that "my thoughts are above your thoughts, and my ways above your ways, for as the heavens are higher than the earth so are my thoughts than your thoughts, and my ways, your ways" Isiah 55:8-9 (all from memory so I may be off a tink)
I know I love nature, I love plants and fresh air, I care about the environment, hugging trees, and am the kind of person that gets excited about watching things grow!  I never feel as connected to the Lord as I do outside, its like his art gallery, each tree has its own character and is unique touch it adds to everything around it...each leaf, every flower and flower petal, body of water and the whole world that opens up I won't even start on.  I feel at peace outside, connected to him. I love to run, especially outside, around nature!  There is just something about running along with trees, grass, and the warmth of life all around.  How somebody couldn't feel close to Christ I'll never understand.
I love art, painting with my friend is my latest thing, but I've always enjoyed art,  museums, theatre, music, dance, and everything else included.  I've drawn mostly myself, although I also enjoy sowing quits, crocheting, cooking (which I consider an art), scrapbooking, and I'm up for trying just about anything artsyish!  Seeing people through art, seeing their souls in small pieces, its one of the beautiful things in this world.
I love my family. I feel so blessed that God gave me the family I have, even with all their quirks and problems.  Amongst my parents fights, my father's brain tumor &  temper, the over-emotionalness of pretty much everyone, and all the other things my family is so totally awesome.  My father made sure we loved each other, regardless if we wanted to and I'm so thankful.  My sisters love me so much, and while we fight and they annoy the heck out of me sometimes, they truely care and I adore being with them always.  I love my mother, the walking definition of mother. She bakes, cooks, cleans, gardens, paints, sows, quilts, croches...the women grows her own yeast to make her own homemade bread for goodness sake.  But mostly she loves the Lord with all her heart, mind, soul, & strength and although she's not perfect by any means, I look up dearly to her.   My father was almost the same, aside from the temper & tumor he was still an awesome dad.  He had a wondeful sense of humor, could grow anything, fix most anything, and honestly knew most everything, but mostly he was a family man. He was good with computers, medical stuff, math, english, history, and was the best at being a dad.  This took me a while to realize, but he tried with all his being to be the perfect father and have the family he never got to have, and thanks to him he are the close family we are.  I will never trade the time I got to take care of him near the end of the life...never in a million lifetimes. I am also thankful for non-blood family, my best friend I would never trade, and she is probably the only non related person who has never stopped believing or loving me...her parents took the role as my parents also (my second set lol) and her family became my family also. We can read each other and I feel that we really are related, although not according to legal standards.
All this doesn't help that I still am no closer to discovering my inner mental issues I have, but what did I really expect just typing on a blog would really reveal?  That I like to ramble a bit too much?  I have discovered at least a few things I am certain of, my 'firm foundation' that we all need. ..As long as I keep handing it over to the Lord, I know he'll get me though this, and I'll discover new things about myself along the way!
If you survived my first blog EVER...congrats!  Be kind in judgments is all I ask...