unconditional acceptance

There are people in all our lives who are supposed to love us regardless of how annoying we can be. It's part of the job description that comes with being in a family, or joining one. I'm not the easiest person to love, obviously or I probably wouldn't still be single, but somehow most of my family figures out a way to love me despite myself. Some can't stop looking towards my past, but try their best to love me despite, and honestly probably would never tell me they love me. They know I assume they do and we keep our relationship there.  But sometimes, family doesn't hold up the job description. So what do you do? It hurts...to realize that they don't. To see them loving so many others in your family, to have such wonderful things to say about everyone else and yet for me, I cannot always feel the same.

This all kinda brought me down yesterday, I had a great time at the movies after work, skipping my workout to eat too much popcorn and then head home to lasagna a dairy-free gal shouldn't eat...which means I ate too much. This made me feel bad, which means once my family found out I get fussed at, lectured and all my actions are looked at as if I still have an eating disorder. While I will admit I struggle with a mental battle that I will probably always have to fight, I am no where close to where I was and I hate when they act like I am.
Anyways the whole thing is all as much my fault for being silly and overemotional as everyone's, so I retreated to take a bath when I realized that I couldn't recall any positive statement made regarding me by one family member in particular. Feeling awkward after that, I kinda hung out in my room, figuring it would be best in my current emotional state anyways.

This morning looking back to the whole evening, my mistakes and what I could change, and what I can't (I do need to work on not letting one night of horrible eating ruin my evening, but I cannot change that my family can't seem to let go of my past) I realized something...

They didn't love Christ either. Christ loved us so much He came down to save all our lives, and while He did have many who loved Him, who spoke kindly of Him, there were more that didn't.  One of His closest, His family of disciples didn't even love Him, and betrayed Him. If the world treats Him that way, someone deserving of so much more love and respect then why would they me?

So WWJD?  What would Jesus do? What did Jesus do...He loved them regardless, He gave His life for them regardless.  And that is what I need to learn, to lay down my life, my needs, my wants for love and acceptance and love them anyways.

Mark 12:30-31King James Version (KJV)

30 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.

31 And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.

But first I also need to learn to love myself more, I tend to be so hard on myself, always disappointed especially after a night like last night when I behaved so poorly and let my emotions get the best of me. But I cannot change the past I can only give it to God, ask for forgiveness and work towards a better today, a better tomorrow.  If my family can love me despite myself, and if God can love me despite myself, then I should be able to.

Ending It All With Some Joy

I want to end this year with finishing out my 100 things that bring be joy.

 
82. all types of boardgames, especially Monopoly

83. Christmas

 
84. My Lieba

85. Twilight Zone

87. Doggy hugs

88. Running 5k races with my sister

89. Hanging out with family

90. The Muppets

91. Dr. Seuss's The Lorax

92. surprises, whether surprising someone else or getting my own

93. candlelight

94. driving around looking at tacky Christmas lights on houses

95. dog sweaters

96. The human form (thanks to Marie for the Picture)

97. giving platelets with my sister

98.  picking out a real Christmas trees

99. being able to give & bless another person

100.  a smile.

Birthday Love Blessings

I have to say I am so blessed.  Today is my birthday, and these past few days have been amazing!  I never really feel like I matter all that much, that I've influenced that many people, or that that many people really care. You never really feel like you make an impact sometimes, but the love people have shown me this year amazes me.  It's meant more to me than any of them know.

It started Friday leaving work, when I was leaving & found everyone trying to make sure I got my birthday card and left with birthday hugs from all my coworkers!  I felt so amazed and loved, I mean, how many people can say they received birthday hugs from everyone they work with :) It was a wonderful way to start my birthday weekend!

Then Friday evening I got to hangout with an old friend and catch up. Saturday I had a goof off day at the mall, and some wonderful cooking from my brother-in-law & sister Tina. Nicole called to have us over for dinner which made me feel oober special, although we had to take a rain check. Sunday was blessed with help from a friend, a good conversation, and my sister Elena giving me a pre-birthday cookie.  Marie came over with my niece Charlotte Monday. Tuesday (my actual birthday) I got to visit with my Aunt Paulette, go eat at a fancy french restaurant Petit Lapin, and then went to see Captain America in 3D! Then my grandma Donna came to see me and eat my mom's homemade spinach and mushroom lasagna, and Elena made me some actual birthday peanut butter cookies!  Top that with all the many birthday wishes on facebook, and ending with Marie's blog-I have never felt more loved.

The family's main celebration is this weekend (with Elena's making some fancy foodage-yayness and some surprise) but even now I feel so blessed to have the family I do have! They have taken so much time and made me feel so special and loved...there are no words to adequately express how I feel honestly.

A friend took the time to make me something I'm excitedly waiting to get, but even without any gifts, I have to say I have never felt so loved before and that means so much, it was the best birthday I think I've ever had and I  will never forget it.  In the back of my mind I still remember that it's also the 1-year anniversary of my furry son, my phatcat kitty man Casper's gruesome death, but everyone has made it so much easier for me to handle.  To have so much love shown to me, I honestly am not sure I really deserve it.

What have I done to deserve all these wonderful people I have been blessed to have in my life, all these people to reserve a place in their heart, day, & lives for me....I don't know but is awesome.

God has blessed me so much, with so many people and their love, I couldn't ask for more :)

So thank you all...for loving me, just the way I am

 *In honor of my Phatman of Love*

To understand thyself...

*Originally wrote on May 15th, 2010*

You would think being a 24 [soon-to-be quarter of a century old person hot diggity dogness] I would understand my workings more.  I honestly question what I really do know, truely know about me...I used to know what I did NOT like to eat, but found out as I got older that I pretty much like everything, and I absolutely love all the things I hate...veggies and right now onions and mushrooms (yummness).  So if this is just with food how sad that I don't honestly know much on myself.  I don't know what my subconscious really is thinking, pondering upon.  I seem to recently be having a weight issue, although mine is considered a blessing to some, if it is its the worst kind.  I can't seem to keep my weight up, and I am getting to the point where I wonder what its really going on in my head, what do I really feel like that must be holding me back from getting back to my healthy weight?  I've handed the whole thing over to God...at least I speak that everyday but I must be keeping some part or I would be past this...its made me question everything I do think I know about anything really.  I mean, is there anything that I am certain I know about myself?
My faith!  I KNOW I'm a child of the most high God, I KNOW Jesus Christ died for me, is in my heart, and I KNOW AND LOVE our relationship and all the little ways he speaks to me...the way he reveals himself and his immense love for me, a love that sadly would be the aspect I don't understand really. Why I'll never know, but I don't have to I guess, I'm having a hard enough time figuring myself out much less somebody that states that "my thoughts are above your thoughts, and my ways above your ways, for as the heavens are higher than the earth so are my thoughts than your thoughts, and my ways, your ways" Isiah 55:8-9 (all from memory so I may be off a tink)
I know I love nature, I love plants and fresh air, I care about the environment, hugging trees, and am the kind of person that gets excited about watching things grow!  I never feel as connected to the Lord as I do outside, its like his art gallery, each tree has its own character and is unique touch it adds to everything around it...each leaf, every flower and flower petal, body of water and the whole world that opens up I won't even start on.  I feel at peace outside, connected to him. I love to run, especially outside, around nature!  There is just something about running along with trees, grass, and the warmth of life all around.  How somebody couldn't feel close to Christ I'll never understand.
I love art, painting with my friend is my latest thing, but I've always enjoyed art,  museums, theatre, music, dance, and everything else included.  I've drawn mostly myself, although I also enjoy sowing quits, crocheting, cooking (which I consider an art), scrapbooking, and I'm up for trying just about anything artsyish!  Seeing people through art, seeing their souls in small pieces, its one of the beautiful things in this world.
I love my family. I feel so blessed that God gave me the family I have, even with all their quirks and problems.  Amongst my parents fights, my father's brain tumor &  temper, the over-emotionalness of pretty much everyone, and all the other things my family is so totally awesome.  My father made sure we loved each other, regardless if we wanted to and I'm so thankful.  My sisters love me so much, and while we fight and they annoy the heck out of me sometimes, they truely care and I adore being with them always.  I love my mother, the walking definition of mother. She bakes, cooks, cleans, gardens, paints, sows, quilts, croches...the women grows her own yeast to make her own homemade bread for goodness sake.  But mostly she loves the Lord with all her heart, mind, soul, & strength and although she's not perfect by any means, I look up dearly to her.   My father was almost the same, aside from the temper & tumor he was still an awesome dad.  He had a wondeful sense of humor, could grow anything, fix most anything, and honestly knew most everything, but mostly he was a family man. He was good with computers, medical stuff, math, english, history, and was the best at being a dad.  This took me a while to realize, but he tried with all his being to be the perfect father and have the family he never got to have, and thanks to him he are the close family we are.  I will never trade the time I got to take care of him near the end of the life...never in a million lifetimes. I am also thankful for non-blood family, my best friend I would never trade, and she is probably the only non related person who has never stopped believing or loving me...her parents took the role as my parents also (my second set lol) and her family became my family also. We can read each other and I feel that we really are related, although not according to legal standards.
All this doesn't help that I still am no closer to discovering my inner mental issues I have, but what did I really expect just typing on a blog would really reveal?  That I like to ramble a bit too much?  I have discovered at least a few things I am certain of, my 'firm foundation' that we all need. ..As long as I keep handing it over to the Lord, I know he'll get me though this, and I'll discover new things about myself along the way!
If you survived my first blog EVER...congrats!  Be kind in judgments is all I ask...