Sunday, December 22, 2013

Naked Ugliness, continued...

It is very weird to be inspired to draw something like this while at church, when the pastor is preaching about Christ's goodness and power in Revelation...but God has his own timing on things...

now I warn you that I've not drawn in over 7 years, and I only have a middle school art education but here it is. It is titled The Embrace although it is my version of what I wrote about in a previous post.

How much I cannot wait to open up to someone, for someone to see my ugly side and accept it willingly. It's hard for me to believe that someone ever will truly accept me for all of me. It's easy to say but when it comes down to it, will my ugly side be acceptable? Or maybe it's my inability to accept my ugly side myself which makes me think this...and maybe the day I finally find that person who does, it will help me be able to accept my ugliness for myself. 
Coming downOne love, two mouthsOne love, one houseNo shirt, no blouseJust us, you find out
Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no, no, no 
This verse also does bring my desire to stand with someone, bearing all physically and feel their warmth against mine...hey I am a person!  It's not something I was going to put but to be totally open I will.  The idea of one day having the warmth of someone else's skin against mine, chest to chest, excites me.  Being someone who is always cold, getting warm and being embraced by something other then a hoodie or blanket sounds awesome.

 I'm not sure how much I like this, but it's a step toward something...I'm hoping God will inspire me further and perhaps I can develop my passion more. It is very hard for me to post this, publicly, it is like opening a very intimate secret part of myself for everyone but I am anyways, at least on here.

Saturday, December 21, 2013


I've decided until God deems fit to prove otherwise, that all men suck.

Thank you.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Naked Ugliness

 This was a texting conversation I had with a guy friend two nights ago.  I wish sometimes I really could replace my mirrors and see myself the way others do, see what they see. While I'm growing more content with myself, gorgeous is not something I see.

Is this because of how I see myself physically alone or do my issues with myself inside reveal themselves on how I see myself from the outside also?  I know I'm a perfectionist but how far does that desire for the unobtainable and drive for self improvement affect me and my self perception.

"Sweater Weather"

All I am is a man
I want the world in my hands
I hate the beach
But I stand
In California with my toes in the sand
Use the sleeves of my sweater
Let's have an adventure
Head in the clouds but my gravity's centered
Touch my neck and I'll touch yours
You in those little high-waisted shorts, oh
She knows what I think about
And what I think about
One love, two mouths
One love, one house
No shirt, no blouse
Just us, you find out
Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no
'Cause it's too cold
For you here and now
So let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater
And if I may just take your breath away
I don't mind if there's not much to say
Sometimes the silence guides our minds
So move to a place so far away
The goose bumps start to raise
The minute that my left hand meets your waist
And then I watch your face
Put my finger on your tongue
'Cause you love to taste, yeah
These hearts adore
Everyone the other beats hardest for
Inside this place is warm
Outside it starts to pour
Coming down
One love, two mouths
One love, one house
No shirt, no blouse
Just us, you find out
Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no, no, no


'Cause it's too cold
For you here and now
So let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater
Whoa, whoa...
Whoa, whoa... whoa
Whoa, whoa... [2x]
'Cause it's too cold
For you here and now
So let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater
It's too cold
For you here and now
Let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater
It's too cold,
It's too cold
The holes of my sweater...

So for some reason I keep getting this song stuck in my head, which I like the song so I don't mind, but the verse that keeps repeating in my mind got me thinking today:

Coming down
One love, two mouths
One love, one house
No shirt, no blouse
Just us, you find out
Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no, no, no

How much I cannot wait to open up to someone, for someone to see my ugly side and accept it willingly. It's hard for me to believe that someone ever will truly accept me for all of me. It's easy to say but when it comes down to it, will my ugly side be acceptable? Or maybe it's my inability to accept my ugly side myself which makes me think this...and maybe the day I finally find that person who does, it will help me be able to accept my ugliness for myself.

This verse also does bring my desire to stand with someone, bearing all physically and feel their warmth against mine...hey I am a person!  It's not something I was going to put but to be totally open I will.  The idea of one day having the warmth of someone else's skin against mine, chest to chest, excites me.  Being someone who is always cold, getting warm and being embraced by something other then a hoodie or blanket sounds awesome.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Running in Heavenly Fog

Running today, the beauty of autumn still lingers as winter begins to take hold.

The Holy Spirit begins to settle all around me as a fog, I run towards it and He fills my lungs. As I breathe Him in He revitalizes me. Filling my lungs with each breath, releasing all the negative events of late.

One little tear at a time, the Lord begins to cry, cry for all those hurt and hurting, cry for the unfathomable love He feels for each and every one of us as He walks with us every moment of every day. He helps me release and all of the sudden I take off. Running faster and faster...all my emotions out, my fears out, my sorrow, running myself out so I can let more of Him in.

I run as fast as I can till I have nothing left.  Then the rain changes, from tear drops of understanding to his baptism. With every drop I am reborn in His image.  Recreated within His love. I feel a bond with all the nature around me, I become one with all of His creation. We running with Him....and I feel empowered!

Now I run quickly again, but not because of running away, not to empty my spirit but to fill it!  I can't get enough of His presence. I want more of Him, bless me oh Lord, BLESS ME.

Fog lies before me again and as my body tires I push myself toward it, I need to reach it. To feel His embrace once more and as I finally approach it I feel an intense love for me, one I don't understand.  One I don't deserve but gladly accept.

I finish my run with a new rejuvenated focus on my Heavenly Father and a greater connection with nature.  I needed this and praise the Lord for those in my life who understand this bond, and help motivate me to move beyond my fears of failure, of others hurting me, and most of all my fear of letting others down and what they want for me instead of worrying about letting myself down. Of figuring out what I want for me.  I realize due to my past I've created, to keep myself away from myself.

I cannot wait to rediscover who this Child of Christ really is, once she lets go of everything holding her back.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Trust and Thorns

It's sad when you lose trust in someone, especially when it's someone you care about...but what about when it's yourself?

I've been talking with someone everyday for almost a month now (the small highlights of my day honestly) and something he's helped me realize is how little trust I have in myself.

For instance, on losing weight...I can't trust myself to lose weight on my own judgement since the last time I did that I lost so much weight I almost lost my job and had to find a counselor or someone at work to talk to. That would be how I met one of my best pals ever, my brother-in-Christ Russell.  But I also have a fear of trusting myself to just eat like I want cause I don't trust myself to stop eating when I should. 

Another I've just recently realized is my passionate side. I find I am a VERY passionate person, to the point I don't trust myself with them, at all. I tend to tie them up, lock them, and hide them somewhere deep inside. Either out of insecurities, or I think just fear of what I would do if I were to let go. I also hide them with my perfectionism, striving to be perfect at not giving in, not letting myself out of my box. but what happens if I want out? When I do finally meet that God-given person, how do I let them in, how do I let my reins loose?  When I get married, how on earth do I plan to ever make love when I'm scared to let myself touch them, when I'm scared to be touched...How do I get myself to let go of all my constraints and take down all the walls I've built?

This is why I don't draw anymore I think, I drew things I was passionate about, but over the years I've locked them so tight I can't get myself to be inspired to draw anything anymore.

How do I earn my own trust back?

(So I guess maybe this is why I'm not the best at swimming either lol)

How do I stop fearing myself, fearing my passionate side...and most of all, how do I let someone else see the real me, feel the real me. Especially when I'm not even sure who the real me is anymore.

All things cannot be fixed without realizing they need to be so I find it a blessing that I've at least grown to a point I see this. My focus has changed from being consumed over a number on a scale and body fat percentage to my inner workings (at least partly changed-my weight still bugs me). It's the reason I love the quote I posted on Facebook today so much.

"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses." Alphonse Karr (French novelist)

Sometimes it takes hurt and sometimes you will bleed to get the perfect rose.  Now I've got to choose which part of me will I let win, the thorn or the flower.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Life at the Top of the Tower

I've learned that I have a LOT of people protecting me.

I've been set up with a few gentlemen recently and all the different people in my life have something they generally are looking for to gauge whether or not they are worthy.

From opening and closing my doors,  driving to meet me, introducing themselves to the family, and so many more I'm sure I'm not thinking of right now.

I've waited for the right guy for so long and my mother has always talked about the amazing person God was going to bring me because I've given myself to Him first and foremost and I've left the choice up to him, that high expectations have arisen. Others just say I'm too trusting, innocent/naive, sweet (and thanks btw), or that I get attached too easily to be left to myself.  I guess for whatever reason I need to be protected. 

The biggest person who has stepped up on this honestly is one of my brother-in-laws. I have always considered him like a big brother, but through this process he has been the hardest to get to like anyone.  He's very picky and even has to approve of what I wear...but as annoying as this can be, it's nice to know I'm so loved.

I sort of feel like one of those princesses in a tower, with all the different obstacles hindering princes everywhere from even wanting to attempt to rescue me.  I'm just not worth the trouble to most.

So will there ever be a prince that will find me worth the fight?  Is there really a Prince Charming in my future?  Sometimes its not about how cute, strong, or charming you can be but about the heart and passion.

I'm a virgin of 28 years and going, and there have been many times along the path that I've thought of giving up on him...throwing in the towel to the whole idea and just start saving my money for cats, but my faith and family have helped me to stay strong.

The fear of the wicked, it shall come upon him: but the desire of the righteous shall be granted.

Proverbs 10:24KJV

He is out there and he will come, one day.

On a side note, here are some tips for anyone thinking of trying to be a girls prince charming, at least for a girl like myself.

  • Don't brag about women at the bar who wanted you or were hitting on you, especially if they were married
  • Don't try to talk to me about what you are NOT wearing while we are on the phone, I am not impressed.
  • Open doors, be a gentlemen
  • Come to my house and pick me up on the first date, don't make me drive a gazillion miles cause you don't feel like driving them.
  • Text or call on your own. Don't make me always have to contact you first. This applies to friendships as well as dating, they work both ways. I've lost a good friend just by waiting for her to contact me.
  • Be yourself
and for all guys, don't stare at me while I do dead lifts, or anything else that required bending...that's an extra for you at no charge.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Crazy Cats & Turkeys

It's been awhile, sorry about that.

I finally ran on the trail the other day, only 6 miles but it was nice to be back there, even for a moment, with just God and nature.

First it was how I was going to be meeting my husband soon, and now it's how amazing I look-God has been really trying to get messages through to me. No matter how I try I cannot seem to get this recent weight gain off, so I've decided to try and accept it, and just be healthy instead.  Not easy for someone like myself especially since it's the heaviest I've weighed in years and years. Fears of being my old overweight self come flooding to my memory still, and it's a continuous battle to fight them off. Could I be happy at this weight, sure probably but the real question is will I let myself?  After that the fact that I'm now 28 it was really hitting home that I'm 2 years from 30 and still single as ever.  It took a bit for me to become comfortable with it, but I think I'm alright now. Not only the little love messages from God, but just finally not caring and enjoying my life either way. As much as I do want someone, I will be totally happy at this point being all on my own for the rest of my life, although I may need to start my cat collection soon, no old maid is complete without one.

Why do I let my weight effect me so much?  Why cannot I get past this?  Who knows, but being a female in today's society I guess it's a battle that I will be fighting until the Lord returns. On that note, a friend posted a really great article about cellulite:

Cellulite: It’s Time We All Just Get the Hell Over It

For any (and every honestly) lady out there, I think this is a good read and really helps put your self evaluations back in the real world, a world where women have cellulite, no matter the size.

In other news, I've wanted to order a new book and have a (free) phone consultation with a new doctor from FloLiving. The book is called Women Code, by Alisa Vitti. A Friend recommended her and she's a holistic doctor so we shall see how this goes!

Also I signed myself, my friend Chelsi, and sister Christina up for the Gobblejog 10k this year!  W00t w00t! Hopefully Tina can get herself back into running mode, but either way it'll be a fun way to start Thanksgiving. This will be Chelsi's first 10k, & since I was there for her first 5k I'm glad I get to be a part of it.

And to end on a happy note, my bff Marie is pregnant again!!! So excited!!!  She has the cutest little girl in all the world.


Friday, August 2, 2013

Little things, little thoughts

It is amazing how some of the simplest things can help you're self esteem and make you feel beautiful.

I recently went to Panama City with a friend for a christian teaching seminar (to keep her company) for the A Beka Program. The seminar itself was in Pensacola Florida but we decided to stop in Panama for the weekend before and after to hit the beach. So fun! Anyhoo the seminar was quite amazing, we attended the 1st grade classes since that's what she will be teaching in a few weeks and I'm so excited for her. You could really feel the love of the Lord there.

That's me and my bestie Chelsi!

Before we arrived, back in Panama I decided to pick up some quality face wash, extra make up, a couple of dresses, and some new blouses to maybe try wearing when I got back to work. It's amazing how just taking the time to take care of my skin and put on some nice makeup really helps you love yourself more. It's such a small thing but I've felt a great deal better about myself the first 3 days so rock on, the last few have been a little tougher.

We are worth it!

I'm also trying to get into eating right and better workout habits, not end up munching, skipping the gym so much, or only doing cardio. I'm only doing a little weights each time, but it's something! Once I get into healthier habits and better shape I think the joy will return.
I know this is a step that will help me get there again.

While I'm slowly working on these I've got to learn to hold my head up high and love myself regardless,which is the hardest step of all and one I've never truly passed I don't think. It's hard to really grasp with such an ambiguous nature, how does one really make a concrete attainable goal out of this?   If you've followed my blog any you've read all the different attempts I've used so far...

Lastly I'm currently working on growing spiritually. I want my relationship with the Lord to grow, to have a stronger foundation, stronger relationship, more wisdom, and more faith.  To really understand what He meant by loving the LORD with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. With passion and actions, God will attend to my cry.

I wish I could say I'm still as happy and joyous currently as I was with the simple makeup earlier this week but I'm not, I feel like I've let myself down, failed, but realization of failure is just my turning point.  I shouldn't let my weight and physical appearance affect my mood so much, but I am a work in progress, and honestly healthy living is part of who I am, so by not taking care of myself the way I should, I'm hurting myself in ways others might not understand.

Things I need to remember mentally & work on while reaching these goals:
  • Not feeling like a failure every skip day
  • Not comparing ANYTHING of mine to ANYONE ELSE, I am unique
  •  It isn't about weight, body fat, isn't about numbers, its about healthy living and taking care of myself
  • Pay more attention to caloric quality and not just quantity.
  • Smiling regardless of how I feel.

Things I need to remember nutritionally speaking:
  • Don't eat so much dairy! As little as possible without obsessing
  • Remember protein after workouts
  • Talk to an RD student intern and get guidance 
  • Cut back/out grains, as little as possible
  • Eat as clean and natural as possible
  • no munching
  • smaller portions, no seconds!

Things I need to remember workout-wise
  • always remember to push myself
  • stick to an hour 6 days/week
  •  remember weights!
  • stretch after working out a little
  • stretch routine at least on off day
  • Fit in chiropractic back wellness routine sometime during the day.
The need is here, the desire is here, so just do it!

Friday, May 24, 2013


 I don't try to do a lot of these, but heck why not? Here's one from a Peanut Butter Fingers blog I thought was entertaining enough to pass some time at work:

Current Book(s):
I have two I'm reading, one is titled Cosmic Codes: Hidden Messages From the Edge of Eternity, by Chuck Missler

Other then that, I'm reading over a coworkers-husband's-friend's novel called Paradise by Mark Cahill, it's alright so far, but not really my cup of tea for a fiction novel, christian or otherwise. 

Current Music:
A new alternative radio station called radio 105.7 (96.7) which I'm totally rockin' to, otherwise just Christian Contemporary really.

Current Guilty Pleasure:
Coffee, I drink way more then I should

Current Nail Color:
Natural with little old flakes of purple on my toes. Next pedicure I'm thinking bright pink, light green of some sorts, or maybe white with a cute design...who knows!
Current Drink:
Flavored Sparkling &/or carbonated water (sugar free)

Current Food:
baby carrots and fruit

Current Favorite Show:
The Big Bang Theory with my sister at the gym, otherwise Bones & Fringe! Thanks to Netflix!

Current Wish List:
$300 to go to a homeschooling certificate training thing with my friend Chelsi! Also a new mattress, and money to catch my pets up at the vet...and a new fridge cause ours is dying sadly :(

Current needs:
A haircut, pedicure

Current Indulgence:
Coconut Ice cream! 

Current Blessing:
My friends and family, and all the love God provides for me every day through them and others! Also having a car that works well seeing as two members of my family can't say that!

Current Outfit:
yoga pants & a Life University tee with sparkly flip-flops for an easy change for the gym (which I'll be heading to soon!)

Current Excitement:
The Supercon with my friend Marie and her little girl Charlotte June 1st and then a massage with my friend Chelsi Sunday!

That did it I think, off to workout with a friend! Have an awesome Memorial day weekend!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Don't Judge Me

Female I'm not a psycho chick, or being stalked by one, these are just a few of the traits people can judge me by. Along with age, physical stature, religious views, sexual preferences, clothing style, hair & eye color, etc.,

I know throughout history race has caused much pain to others not like themselves. People sharing my shade of melanin have especially so maybe this is payback, but for the first time I can remember I was judged my my skin color and gender (with a small portion of my age and physical appearance probably on the side).

I went to workout with a black ex-trainer friend at a his gym, LA Fitness, for a quick workout after work. I've worked out with him and his other buddy (also black) once before no problem.

We first met at work and upon finding out we not only share the same initials, but also last name and church,  instantaneously we became friends. That afternoon right when we were getting started some guy who worked there stopped him to talk

and they talked

I didn't want to start without him since we usually circuit machines together so after a while I went to see what he was doing, I figured he just got involved in a conversation since he is a very charismatic person...but nope.  The gentlemen talking with him looked at me funny as I approached then glancing back at him I didn't see what was going on really.

Well the guy walked away and we were going to get started but I could tell my friend was really upset. I went on to workout as he waited for what seemed like an eternity and  after talking with two different people discovered what the problem really was...

"you were working out with your buddy and that's cool but now you're working out with these white chicks" (plural entitling my sister who had just bought a membership (and closed it just as fast).

Apparently it was alright for him to workout with a black gentlemen just fine, but if it is a female and she is Caucasian that is a no-no.  He said honestly even if I was a black chick they would probably not have an issue with it since I'd either be his sister, cousin, or 'the girl on the side' but since I'm white, I cannot possibly be a workout buddy.

Needless to say I will not be joining LA Fitness anytime soon, not that all of them are that way but I'd rather not after all this.

Why is it people seem to have such a problem accepting what is different then them?  We all are entitled to have our own opinion and feelings, and I'm not saying to disregard that, but that doesn't give anyone the right to hate what isn't them. Respect the other person's right for the same.

Enjoy our differences, I remember a DC Talk song "Colored People" that keeps playing in the back of my mind...

Pardon me, your epidermis is showing, mister
I couldn't help but note your shade of melanin
I tip my hat to the colorful arrangement
Cause I see the beauty in the tones of our skin

We've gotta come together
And thank the Maker of us all

We're colored people, and we live in a tainted place
We're colored people, and they call us the human race
We've got a history so full of mistakes
And we are colored people who depend on a Holy Grace

[1, 1, 1, 1... 2, 2, 2, 2... 3, 3, 3, 3... 4, 4, 4, 4]

A piece of canvas is only the beginning for
It takes on character with every loving stroke
This thing of beauty is the passion of an Artist's heart
By God's design, we are a skin kaleidoscope

We've gotta come together,
Aren't we all human after all?

(repeat chorus)

Ignorance has wronged some races
And vengeance is the Lord's
If we aspire to share this space
Repentance is the cure

[1, 1, 1, 1... 2, 2, 2, 2... 3, 3, 3, 3... 4, 4, 4, 4]

Well, just a day in the shoes of a color blind man
Should make it easy for you to see
That these diverse tones do more than cover our bones
As a part of our anatomy

(repeat chorus)

We're colored people, and they call us the human race
[Oh, colored people]
We're colored people, and we all gotta share this space
[Yeah we've got to come together somehow]
We're colored people, and we live in a tainted world
[Red and yellow, black and white]
We're colored people, every man, woman, boy, and girl
[Colored people, colored people, colored people, colored people, yeah]

Friday, May 10, 2013


What's beautiful? a blogger I follow recently asked that. Another wrote regarding her difficulty in not comparing and demeaning herself.  Along with friends, sisters, and so many other women out there it seems no matter how we try, loving ourselves is the hardest part for most women.

"Love others as ourselves" Matthew and Mark both mention Jesus teaching on this and while society generally puts the focus on the loving others part but that has a condition attached we all tend to look over.

love others as ourselves - others as = love ourselves

Why does this seem to be so hard?  Knowing God doesn't make junk  we heard growing up but for some reason it didn't really sink in.

So back to the original question, what's beautiful to me? How do I define beautiful?  

LOVE is beautiful, and to me nothing will be beautiful unless I view it through love. Or I have love for it...including myself.

God is love, so does that mean I automatically should find myself beautiful because I believe in Him, I'm made in His image, and have Jesus Christ residing within me? not necessarily.

Not if I don't see that love for myself.  

Not if my perfectionism gets in the way. 

Not if numbers gets in the way.

Not with a comparative, competitive nature.

Not without trusting my the strength God has given me. 

Not until I forgive and embrace myself for my imperfections.

Not unless I work towards it.

And I am, its a slow process with many failures and a filter that will take some elbow grease before I will be able to see clearly, or at least clearer.

"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." 1 Corinthians 13:12-13 KJV

I recommend rereading 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter, but think about yourself, and how you treat yourself.


Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Meditate on Him

So I've done a ton of races this year... we have a local St. Patty's day 5k, The Color Run, The Badass Dash, and the most recent Superhero Scramble

My next is the Supercon Fun Run with a best buddy (Marie to the left #73282) and her little girl. The best part? We are going to dress up! Cannot wait!
 (I'm a dork I know)

In other news, I'm getting better at accepting my weight gain. My family wants me to keep it, I don't necessarily but am learning to love me how I am, and also adjust to getting older and the higher body fat percentages that go along with it.  I figure getting more tone and back to a regular workout routine, something I've lacked with all the craziness recently, will not only help tone me again, but also with my opinion of myself and my mood (yay endorphins!) On a positive note it's kinda nice to have a decent tushy now. On a negative one, it is never alright to ask a girl if she's expecting!  And why is it only women who ask this?  Really you would think they would know better!

My Work has recently really gotten into meditation which is kinda weird for some people, and I'm sure there are those that think this is only a new-age or middle-eastern practice but it's not. Actually even the bible mentions meditating, actually the New King James does 20 times (taken from

  1. Genesis 24:63
    And Isaac went out to meditate in the field in the evening; and he lifted his eyes and looked, and there, the camels were coming.
    Genesis 24:62-64 (in Context) Genesis 24 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  2. Joshua 1:8
    This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.
    Joshua 1:7-9 (in Context) Joshua 1 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  3. Psalm 1:2
    But his delight is in the law of the Lord, And in His law he meditates day and night.
    Psalm 1:1-3 (in Context) Psalm 1 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  4. Psalm 4:4
    Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Selah
    Psalm 4:3-5 (in Context) Psalm 4 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  5. Psalm 63:6
    When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches.
    Psalm 63:5-7 (in Context) Psalm 63 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  6. Psalm 77:6
    I call to remembrance my song in the night; I meditate within my heart, And my spirit makes diligent search.
    Psalm 77:5-7 (in Context) Psalm 77 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  7. Psalm 77:12
    I will also meditate on all Your work, And talk of Your deeds.
    Psalm 77:11-13 (in Context) Psalm 77 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  8. Psalm 119:15
    I will meditate on Your precepts, And contemplate Your ways.
    Psalm 119:14-16 (in Context) Psalm 119 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  9. Psalm 119:23
    Princes also sit and speak against me, But Your servant meditates on Your statutes.
    Psalm 119:22-24 (in Context) Psalm 119 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  10. Psalm 119:27
    Make me understand the way of Your precepts; So shall I meditate on Your wonderful works.
    Psalm 119:26-28 (in Context) Psalm 119 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  11. Psalm 119:48
    My hands also I will lift up to Your commandments, Which I love, And I will meditate on Your statutes.
    Psalm 119:47-49 (in Context) Psalm 119 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  12. Psalm 119:78
    Let the proud be ashamed, For they treated me wrongfully with falsehood; But I will meditate on Your precepts.
    Psalm 119:77-79 (in Context) Psalm 119 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  13. Psalm 119:148
    My eyes are awake through the night watches, That I may meditate on Your word.
    Psalm 119:147-149 (in Context) Psalm 119 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  14. Psalm 143:5
    I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Your works; I muse on the work of Your hands.
    Psalm 143:4-6 (in Context) Psalm 143 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  15. Psalm 145:5
    I will meditate on the glorious splendor of Your majesty, And on Your wondrous works.
    Psalm 145:4-6 (in Context) Psalm 145 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  16. Isaiah 33:18
    Your heart will meditate on terror: “Where is the scribe? Where is he who weighs? Where is he who counts the towers?”
    Isaiah 33:17-19 (in Context) Isaiah 33 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  17. Malachi 3:16
    [ A Book of Remembrance ] Then those who feared the Lord spoke to one another, And the Lord listened and heard them; So a book of remembrance was written before Him For those who fear the Lord And who meditate on His name.
    Malachi 3:15-17 (in Context) Malachi 3 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  18. Luke 21:14
    Therefore settle it in your hearts not to meditate beforehand on what you will answer;
    Luke 21:13-15 (in Context) Luke 21 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  19. Philippians 4:8
    [ Meditate on These Things ] Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.
    Philippians 4:7-9 (in Context) Philippians 4 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
  20. 1 Timothy 4:15
    Meditate on these things; give yourself entirely to them, that your progress may be evident to all.
    1 Timothy 4:14-16 (in Context) 1 Timothy 4 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations

The way the instructor described meditation it seems that you are calming and quieting the mind down, relaxing, and focusing on one thing, breath for example. Not being too awake but not dozing off either.

The first few times I focused on my breathing as he instructed (we have been doing his introduction to meditation) but this time I chose to focus and think on God Almighty.

To me it seems that prayer is us talking to God, and meditation is when we quiet ourselves down, internally and externally, and let God speak to us. We just listen.

It doesn't have to be long, but I want you to just try it don't need to sign praise songs to Him, you can be thankful but don't be thanking Him, just listen to Him...respectfully and lovingly quiet yourself before our loving Father and see how your relationship grows!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

I'm Only Responsible for Myself

In the end, it's only going to be God & & God, no one else, so what I do is all that matters

It's also all I can control. That and my emotional response...I'm still working on not letting the injustices that I see going on around me upset me. I tend to have a high moral and ethical standard for myself and some of those around me so I'm constantly having to remember that.

Why is it that some people, think that they are good people, making them better then others, which in turn puts them above the law, above the rest of us? That the same integrity and ethics don't apply to them anymore.

I hate to say it but there are many Christians I see do this all the time.

They are a good little christian so they are just "blessed" with the privilege to do what they want, but really if you were a true God-fearing soul, how could you honestly face the LORD Almighty and know

that you mistreat others and disrespect His creations, thus disrespecting Him. I don't know, I mean some people would say I'm blowing it out of proportion but as I stated earlier, I hold myself to a very high standard, so if I can see things this way, why can't others?

Are they messed up or is it my point of view that is?

And what makes a person good anyhoo? How does one believe in good?

I like how google defines the term:



To be desired or approved of.

That which is morally right; righteousness.

Well: "my mother could never cook this good".

adjective. nice - kind - fine
noun. benefit - profit - advantage - avail - welfare - use
adverb. well - nicely - fine - right - okay

I guess really good is, by definition, largely a self-determined term. We each decide what, for us, is morally right or righteous. My definition derives from the way I was raised, with two hard-working God-fearing parents, each with an amazing level of integrity and love for others. I try everyday to hold up to that, to what I feel the Lord expects of me, of what I expect of myself.

Since I have Christ within me, I expect only the best.

And maybe I'm a perfectionist but I'd rather fail and attempting perfection then to never try to reach it. My standards are way out of my reach but I'd rather break my arm and see how far I can make it then to just sit still and never aim at all. When I have my one-on-one with my heavenly Father I want to hear

"21 His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord." Matthew 25:21 KJV

But I must also realize that I cannot define "good" for others. Each of us has to determine how we wish to write it within our hearts. And that will change how we view not only ourselves, but others.

We each see others through the same eyes we see ourselves.

Just remember they aren't you. Don't let their actions determine you.

Here is Merriam-Webster's definition just for GOOD measure (teehee):

Monday, January 21, 2013

Defining Passion

I recently discussed with a friend our beliefs, and when I really began to have my passion and form my foundation spiritually. Honestly I was saved when I was nine years old after my mother watched a hell-fire preacher and scared the poop out of me of going to hell, I really didn't care much after that until the age fifteen when I doubted my salvation and wanted physical proof that I was saved (mainly in the form of God coming down and audibly telling me I was honestly). It took a while and many prayers to get past that point and to just trust Him that I rested safely in His almighty hands.  I had a relationship with God, but only in the form of fear of separation. 

I later really formed my beliefs after a Mormon friend on his mission asked me some questions in one of his letters. I remember after reading it, I sat in the bath tub and thought to God how on earth am I supposed to answer all these questions? After getting out I wrapped myself in a towel and before even getting dressed I sat myself at my desk and prayed to the Lord to help me and began to write.

I cut the introduction off and posted the body of the letter here, if there is anyone interested in what I believe.

"January 18, 2007 (printed and sent January 22, 2007)

Dear Elder Jake,

...I’m mainly writing you this to answer your question.  I do get this kind of thing from missionaries (or Richard! Ha-ha JK) although I’ve not seen them recently due to Richard and Nicole moving out to the boonies.  The exact question was “…what you [I] believe.  Like what is the nature of God? What is the meaning of life?  What is the role of families in God’s plan?”  Then you asked “What gives you the strength to get up every morning?  What do you want for your life? What are you going to do to get it?”  Well I’ll try to answer this as well as I can.  I believe the Apostles Creed which is:

I believe in God, the Father almighty, maker of heaven and earth.

I believe in Jesus Christ, God’s only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried; HE descended into hell.

On the third day he rose again; He ascended into heaven, He is seated at the right hand of the Father, and He will come to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Christian church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting.


My mother once paid me to memorize that and I did it just to get the money and then forgot it, but a few years later I memorized it again, and this time for the right reason, because I really love it, and it really says what I believe and feel.

God’s nature is Love, he is Love.  How else can you describe him better than that?  A friend of mine in high school used to say he couldn’t see how God loved us, and I would tell him I couldn’t see how he couldn’t.  I find it a bit hard to explain past that because love isn’t a physical thing you can see, but like a DC Talk song says “he’s like the wind, you can’t see the wind but you can see the effects of the wind”  I find that a good description.  The meaning of life for me is to serve the Father with all our mind, soul, heart, and strength, and to show his everlasting love to others and serve as a witness to all of His eternal love.  The role of families is the same for me as the meaning of life, to serve him with all our being.  The parents are to guide and teach their children about him and guide them along his glorious path.  Whether in families or as individuals, we are to serve him as children of God.

What gives me strength to get up every morning? The Lord of course and my desire to do his will, and get closer to him than I was the last day.  It is impossible to get to know every aspect of God, so I want to learn and build as close of a relationship with him as I possibly can.  And this life is too short to waste even a day.  He is the first one I talk to in the morning and the last one before I go to bed, He is who I see in all of nature; in trees, wind, the sea, waves, the sky, the grass, the flowers, in all his creations, including me.  I see him when I look at the ceiling, when I look in the mirror and talk to him, and when I look inside myself.  He is my father, my teacher, my professor, my almighty counselor, and my best closest friend.  He is someone I want to be like, and I can never get enough of.  In his own words he is I am that I am.  What I want for my life is whatever God’s will is, I want his plans for my life, because my life is devoted to him.  I want to worship Him and be a witness to as many as I can while I’m here.  I also want a family of course, I want to be a mother that embodies the Proverbs Wife but the rest I’m currently working on figuring out. What do I want out of life? I want the fullness of God. What am I going to do to get it?  I will pray and meditate on him, read his word (for the word was with God, and the word was God, in the beginning), continue to talk with him and follow the path that the lord sets before me. 

I hope that I answered your questions, I’ve never written my responses before to someone and as I’m sure you’ve noticed on occasions I tend to ramble, even when I write, so I tried to stay on topic and not ramble too much. J

I think I will leave it on that note and say adieu.  Have a glorious day and I’ll talk to you later!


Rebecca Wright (ReeBee)"

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Where my joy comes from

A lot happened this last year, a lot personally and financially, a lot with my family and a lot with my friends.  After a few emotional breakdowns my family all decided that I needed to go back on my antidepressant...why? Too much to get into and none of it worth it really.

With the ending of one year and the beginnings of another, many people create new year resolutions, goals, and such but there is one thing a blogger, +Tina Reale did that I liked and I think I'm going to try this year...creating myself a theme for the year.  She did it by one word, joy. 

While joy is definitely something I could use also, I think I'm more going to aim for peace.  Really I want to work on all the fruit of the spirit, but this one especially.  With the attaining of peace I expect joy and balance to follow and both are things I could use.

This holiday season, I found out that nothing can replace a firm relationship and foundation in Christ or family in your life.  God is the only solid thing we have in our lives, the only true thing we can put our trust into. Thankfully I've also been blessed by Him with a family I can rely on to be there for me though, which is a huge blessing. Out of all the things I've brought them through they've been there for me, and that means more then they'll ever realize.

Work is starting something called the happiness advantage and I really recommend watching it

in it he lists 5 ways to turn happiness into an advantage:

  1. write down what you're greatful for (3 things)
  2. journal for 2 minutes about something positive that happened within the past 24 hours
  3. exercise
  4. meditate (prayer) 
  5. send a positive email first thing at work.
I've done a greatful for journal before so just getting me back into the habit, along with the journaling 2 minutes. That I wont do on a blog because I feel it will benefit me more if I physically write it. For me there is something about the act of penmenship that cannot be replaced. Exercise I've covered with the help of +Tina Reale & her Best Body Bootcamp. Meditate and prayer I need to work on doing more regularly. I'm thinking of trying in the car maybe on my way to work, along with stretches at least 3 days a week. After that it's the positive email first thing at work which sounds easy enough but after a while I'm not so sure...

Anyhoo I'll keep you all posted!