Saturday, April 30, 2011

From Running Away to Running Towards

Life goes by so quickly sometimes, changing in a blink of an eye.  So many things have occurred within the last few weeks its amazing, especially within the last few days, and yet-because He is with me-I will be alright.
So my grandmother died 2 weeks ago and having 9 living children (2 deceased) and no set will with a bunch of hearsay makes things interesting to say the least.

I cannot say I have a great deal of memories regarding my grandmother really, whenever we went down she was generally gossiping about one of her children so my sisters and I just went and watched TV most days, unless actual plans were made.  I only have one gift my grandmother gave me, a little bear when I was 9 years old which I still have today. 

It took a while for me to truly grasp the totality of what that meant.  It didn't really effect me too much it seemed and honestly the whole time I was more concerned about my mother because I know how close she was to her mom and I hadn't seen her really grieve. 

After going down to Florida for her memorial (which my mother was the speaker of), we left for a family-remembering type gathering afterwards, and along the way it finally came.  As usual all I wanted was to get away from everyone, to run.  From my feelings, from myself, from family.  But I couldn't this time, I HAD to face them, and I HAD to like it. 

As I walked in my cousin's house, her hug welcoming me was strange and uncomfortable and all I wanted was to hide, but of course that wasn't going to work and after a few minutes I grasped my sister, hid in the bathroom, and clung to her as hard as I could, I was held by her and held her in return and cried icy tears upon her shoulder. For the first time I opened up my full emotions to someone else, allowing someone to help me with the burden of my pain. I released.  Afterwards clearing my face, I managed to recollect wonderful memories with my sister and family of our trips to grandmother's house.

Due to disputes among my 8 aunts and uncles, my grandmother still has yet to be dealt with, she was supposed to be cremated, but only when all 9 living children signed in agreement.  This of course caused dissension among them, which stressed my 'peacemaker' mother out.   Well Easter Sunday was when God allowed her to hit the breaking point.  She ended up losing her short term memory, losing the entire last 2-weeks (her mother's death up till the present). She couldn't remember the month, day, where she got her shirt, her purse and shoes, where we were going, what she or we just said, that her mother died, that we had the memorial, or even that she spoke and sang at it.

This scared the crap out of me, but after looking at my older sister I realized I had to get a grip and get over it.  During church I just kept repeating by His stripes she IS healed. After church it started to get worse so we admitted her to a hospital, Tina staying with her and me taking up the responsibility of talking to everybody and informing until visiting hours.

Course this is the exact moment someone picked to discuss another personal matter, once which isn't worth even discussing now, but at the time, with so much going on already, wasn't quite the funnest thing to add on my quite-filled plate. I wanted to so badly but yet...still I couldn't run away, I had to be strong and face what lay head of me,  the feelings I was starting to crack under the weight of.
He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. 3 And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me. ~Matthew 18:2-5 NKJV
So I became like a child again, clutching my sister now as she cried upon the bed wrapped in the quilt my mother made her mother, ate my aunt's homemade brownies and cookies, and cried myself-finally calling out to my heavenly Father, needing him to give me His strength in these present times of trouble.  The next morning I got up and after my shower I read my devotional and just sat with Him alone for about an hour or so, and the peace that goes beyond understanding came.

Long story short, after a 3-day stay at a local hospital and MANY tests, it ended up being TGA, Transient Global Amnesia.  Basically due to the high amount of emotional stress she was under.  We returned home and although the phone calls from Florida still occur daily, we are basically back to normal.  Of course I wanted to workout, it had been far too long for me doing any form of working out but strangely I really didn't feel like running.  I brushed it off and worked out at the gym, assuming I would the next day, but it came and as beautiful as the day was, I didn't really want to run.  Now this was foreign to me, any ONE of those things would have been more than enough to cause me to go on a crazy, wear out my feelings to God run and after all that not wanting to?  As I worked out at the gym He revealed it to me: for once I didn't need to.  He showed me that despite all the psycho events: losing any chance to grow my relationship with my only grandmother, the scare of mentally losing my mother forever, and other issues-all I needed truly was Him, and I had Him all along.  He helped me form an even stronger bond and open up to my sister in a way I haven't allowed myself really to anyone, grow a relationship with my aunt I never had, and through Him find an inner strength I didn't know I had. 

So I decided that Saturday, I was going to run just for the pure enjoyment. And it was awesome, the gentle breeze upon my face bringing the perfume of the honeysuckles and cologne of the evergreens. The bright blue sky, warmth of the sun upon my shoulders, trees standing guard, and flowers dressed in their best awaiting me to pass.  All of God's creation worshiping Him in His glory in their own unique way with me running by trying to absorb it all within me.  Even during my stretch I was amazed as a spider started to weave a beautiful string masterpiece, one tiny piece of delicate clear thread at a time.

And how long will its hard worked creation last?  A few moments, but long enough for me to enjoy. It's amazing how God even gave each creation a talent or hobby.  Mine I'm not sure of really, but I'll keep trying different things, and enjoying every form of art I find, loving Him with each expression.

1 comment:

  1. It is a gift to be so transparent in your "run for the crown" with the Lord, so that others can be strong through your weakness where you draw your strength - His strength is made perfect here!