A Few of My Favorite Things...

21. Walking the beach shore at dawn/dusk with the water hitting against my feet


22. Eskimo Kisses-the way noses gently touch before a kiss


23. The feeling after a good workout


24. Quilting with my mother

25. Wrapped up in a homemade quilt/blanket on a cold day


26.Porch Swings-relaxing, reading, or cuddling


27. Rockithing on to music, dancing like a dork when nobodys watching


28. Singing silly songs with my sister Christina over Heytell app on our iphones (thank you Terren lol)


29. lift hugs


30. Piggyback rides, or being able to run & leap on someone at random without fear of killing them


31. Hugging a cup of hot herbal tea warming my hands with the steam hitting against my face


32. Expressing myself through writting either by hand written letters, stories, or a blog


33. Photo booth pictures & just taking goofy pictures with friends in general

34. Sitting outside coffee shops drinking coffee with friends, just talking


35. Creek, lakes, rivers & the sound of the water


36. laying barefoot in the soft grass


37. my cat going spastic around the house at random moments


38. Dancing the running man


39. cross necklaces and pearls


40. Painting/drawing

From Running Away to Running Towards

Life goes by so quickly sometimes, changing in a blink of an eye.  So many things have occurred within the last few weeks its amazing, especially within the last few days, and yet-because He is with me-I will be alright.
So my grandmother died 2 weeks ago and having 9 living children (2 deceased) and no set will with a bunch of hearsay makes things interesting to say the least.

I cannot say I have a great deal of memories regarding my grandmother really, whenever we went down she was generally gossiping about one of her children so my sisters and I just went and watched TV most days, unless actual plans were made.  I only have one gift my grandmother gave me, a little bear when I was 9 years old which I still have today. 

It took a while for me to truly grasp the totality of what that meant.  It didn't really effect me too much it seemed and honestly the whole time I was more concerned about my mother because I know how close she was to her mom and I hadn't seen her really grieve. 

After going down to Florida for her memorial (which my mother was the speaker of), we left for a family-remembering type gathering afterwards, and along the way it finally came.  As usual all I wanted was to get away from everyone, to run.  From my feelings, from myself, from family.  But I couldn't this time, I HAD to face them, and I HAD to like it. 

As I walked in my cousin's house, her hug welcoming me was strange and uncomfortable and all I wanted was to hide, but of course that wasn't going to work and after a few minutes I grasped my sister, hid in the bathroom, and clung to her as hard as I could, I was held by her and held her in return and cried icy tears upon her shoulder. For the first time I opened up my full emotions to someone else, allowing someone to help me with the burden of my pain. I released.  Afterwards clearing my face, I managed to recollect wonderful memories with my sister and family of our trips to grandmother's house.

Due to disputes among my 8 aunts and uncles, my grandmother still has yet to be dealt with, she was supposed to be cremated, but only when all 9 living children signed in agreement.  This of course caused dissension among them, which stressed my 'peacemaker' mother out.   Well Easter Sunday was when God allowed her to hit the breaking point.  She ended up losing her short term memory, losing the entire last 2-weeks (her mother's death up till the present). She couldn't remember the month, day, where she got her shirt, her purse and shoes, where we were going, what she or we just said, that her mother died, that we had the memorial, or even that she spoke and sang at it.

This scared the crap out of me, but after looking at my older sister I realized I had to get a grip and get over it.  During church I just kept repeating by His stripes she IS healed. After church it started to get worse so we admitted her to a hospital, Tina staying with her and me taking up the responsibility of talking to everybody and informing until visiting hours.

Course this is the exact moment someone picked to discuss another personal matter, once which isn't worth even discussing now, but at the time, with so much going on already, wasn't quite the funnest thing to add on my quite-filled plate. I wanted to so badly but yet...still I couldn't run away, I had to be strong and face what lay head of me,  the feelings I was starting to crack under the weight of.

He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. ³ And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. ⁴ Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. ⁵ And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me. ~Matthew 18:2-5 NKJV

So I became like a child again, clutching my sister now as she cried upon the bed wrapped in the quilt my mother made her mother, ate my aunt's homemade brownies and cookies, and cried myself-finally calling out to my heavenly Father, needing him to give me His strength in these present times of trouble.  The next morning I got up and after my shower I read my devotional and just sat with Him alone for about an hour or so, and the peace that goes beyond understanding came.

Long story short, after a 3-day stay at a local hospital and MANY tests, it ended up being TGA, Transient Global Amnesia.  Basically due to the high amount of emotional stress she was under.  We returned home and although the phone calls from Florida still occur daily, we are basically back to normal.  Of course I wanted to workout, it had been far too long for me doing any form of working out but strangely I really didn't feel like running.  I brushed it off and worked out at the gym, assuming I would the next day, but it came and as beautiful as the day was, I didn't really want to run.  Now this was foreign to me, any ONE of those things would have been more than enough to cause me to go on a crazy, wear out my feelings to God run and after all that not wanting to?  As I worked out at the gym He revealed it to me: for once I didn't need to.  He showed me that despite all the psycho events: losing any chance to grow my relationship with my only grandmother, the scare of mentally losing my mother forever, and other issues-all I needed truly was Him, and I had Him all along.  He helped me form an even stronger bond and open up to my sister in a way I haven't allowed myself really to anyone, grow a relationship with my aunt I never had, and through Him find an inner strength I didn't know I had. 

So I decided that Saturday, I was going to run just for the pure enjoyment. And it was awesome, the gentle breeze upon my face bringing the perfume of the honeysuckles and cologne of the evergreens. The bright blue sky, warmth of the sun upon my shoulders, trees standing guard, and flowers dressed in their best awaiting me to pass.  All of God's creation worshiping Him in His glory in their own unique way with me running by trying to absorb it all within me.  Even during my stretch I was amazed as a spider started to weave a beautiful string masterpiece, one tiny piece of delicate clear thread at a time.

And how long will its hard worked creation last?  A few moments, but long enough for me to enjoy. It's amazing how God even gave each creation a talent or hobby.  Mine I'm not sure of really, but I'll keep trying different things, and enjoying every form of art I find, loving Him with each expression.

embrace the inner turtle

*Originally written on October 17th, 2010*

Today I went for a run outside, I had just eaten & decided to take it easy this time for at least a bit (till I digested some lol), but God used it as my lesson this time.

These past few weeks, maybe even months, He's been really pushing me to relax lately, He reminded me of the 23rd Psalms first 3 verses last weekend, & they come back to mind today:

1The LORD is my shepherd;
         I shall not want.
 ² He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
         He leads me beside the still waters.
 ³ He restores my soul;
         He leads me in the paths of righteousness
         For His name’s sake.

the part I just noticed is the makes me part...He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.   Sometimes, God will make you to rest, rest in Him, when you need it & won't stop. He will lead you to rest beside His heavenly life giving waters.  This is one of my true weaknesses, I never stop. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I always am striving toward something. So this run, that's what I did, I just did a pleasant speed run & enjoyed nature, didn't expect some divine message, didn't try to break my speed records or push all I could out of myself, I just enjoyed it! The squirrels, the birds, sounds, colors of the leaves beginning to change.  The divine & active artwork created by the trees' shadows dancing across the road.  It brought back a song from a Disney movie (doesn't everything-if you're a girl at least).

Pocahontas "Colors of the Wind"

"You think you own whatever land you land on
The Earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name...
...Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sun-sweet berries of the Earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once, never wonder what they're worth"

This came to life to me as I ran today, a verse that comes to mind is Luke 19:37-40

^'37 Then, as He was now drawing near the descent of the Mount of Olives, the whole multitude of the disciples began to rejoice and praise God with a loud voice for all the mighty works they had seen, ³⁸ saying: 

      “‘Blessed is the King who comes in the name of the LORD!’^[d]
      Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!”

³⁹ And some of the Pharisees called to Him from the crowd, “Teacher, rebuke Your disciples.”
⁴⁰ But He answered and said to them, “I tell you that if these should keep silent, the stones would immediately cry out.”'

While nature may not have a soul, they may not have a spirit like ours, they may not have the Holy Spirit within them, there is still enough of a spirit, or knowledge & God-awareness that they knew Christ, & who He really is. Sometimes I think even more so than we do!   There is a song, a hymn, my mother has sung to me that I love that really expresses this, better than I am.  For some reason, I really see, feel, & experience God in nature & its silent praises to the LORD but if I don't slow down to enjoy it, hear it, & hear Him IN it, I will miss the experience, the relationship, & the way He expresses His love for me & all the world...I will miss out on so much of what really adds a rich quality to life.

This is my Father's World
This is my Father's world,
and to my listening ears
all nature sings, and round me rings
the music of the spheres.
This is my Father's world:
I rest me in the thought
of rocks and trees, of skies and seas;
his hand the wonders wrought.
2. This is my Father's world,
the birds their carols raise,
the morning light, the lily white,
declare their maker's praise.
This is my Father's world:
he shines in all that's fair;
in the rustling grass I hear him pass;
he speaks to me everywhere.
3. This is my Father's world.
O let me ne'er forget
that though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father's world:
why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!