Monday, November 18, 2013

Trust and Thorns

It's sad when you lose trust in someone, especially when it's someone you care about...but what about when it's yourself?

I've been talking with someone everyday for almost a month now (the small highlights of my day honestly) and something he's helped me realize is how little trust I have in myself.

For instance, on losing weight...I can't trust myself to lose weight on my own judgement since the last time I did that I lost so much weight I almost lost my job and had to find a counselor or someone at work to talk to. That would be how I met one of my best pals ever, my brother-in-Christ Russell.  But I also have a fear of trusting myself to just eat like I want cause I don't trust myself to stop eating when I should. 

Another I've just recently realized is my passionate side. I find I am a VERY passionate person, to the point I don't trust myself with them, at all. I tend to tie them up, lock them, and hide them somewhere deep inside. Either out of insecurities, or I think just fear of what I would do if I were to let go. I also hide them with my perfectionism, striving to be perfect at not giving in, not letting myself out of my box. but what happens if I want out? When I do finally meet that God-given person, how do I let them in, how do I let my reins loose?  When I get married, how on earth do I plan to ever make love when I'm scared to let myself touch them, when I'm scared to be touched...How do I get myself to let go of all my constraints and take down all the walls I've built?

This is why I don't draw anymore I think, I drew things I was passionate about, but over the years I've locked them so tight I can't get myself to be inspired to draw anything anymore.

How do I earn my own trust back?

(So I guess maybe this is why I'm not the best at swimming either lol)

How do I stop fearing myself, fearing my passionate side...and most of all, how do I let someone else see the real me, feel the real me. Especially when I'm not even sure who the real me is anymore.

All things cannot be fixed without realizing they need to be so I find it a blessing that I've at least grown to a point I see this. My focus has changed from being consumed over a number on a scale and body fat percentage to my inner workings (at least partly changed-my weight still bugs me). It's the reason I love the quote I posted on Facebook today so much.

"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses." Alphonse Karr (French novelist)

Sometimes it takes hurt and sometimes you will bleed to get the perfect rose.  Now I've got to choose which part of me will I let win, the thorn or the flower.

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