beauty-filled

What's beautiful? a blogger I follow recently asked that. Another wrote regarding her difficulty in not comparing and demeaning herself.  Along with friends, sisters, and so many other women out there it seems no matter how we try, loving ourselves is the hardest part for most women.

"Love others as ourselves" Matthew and Mark both mention Jesus teaching on this and while society generally puts the focus on the loving others part but that has a condition attached we all tend to look over.

love others as ourselves - others as = love ourselves

Why does this seem to be so hard?  Knowing God doesn't make junk  we heard growing up but for some reason it didn't really sink in.

So back to the original question, what's beautiful to me? How do I define beautiful?  

LOVE is beautiful, and to me nothing will be beautiful unless I view it through love. Or I have love for it...including myself.

God is love, so does that mean I automatically should find myself beautiful because I believe in Him, I'm made in His image, and have Jesus Christ residing within me? not necessarily.

Not if I don't see that love for myself.  

Not if my perfectionism gets in the way. 

Not if numbers gets in the way.

Not with a comparative, competitive nature.

Not without trusting my the strength God has given me. 

Not until I forgive and embrace myself for my imperfections.

Not unless I work towards it.

And I am, its a slow process with many failures and a filter that will take some elbow grease before I will be able to see clearly, or at least clearer.

^"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." 1 Corinthians 13:12-13 KJV

I recommend rereading 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter, but think about yourself, and how you treat yourself.

 

Reflection

"Celebrate your uniqueness and rejoice in the future God has planed for you. Be confident and start enjoying you!" Joyce Myers from The Confident Women Devotional

So while at the gym today I watched the new show The Revolution, and the style dude made a challenge for everyone to find a trait they like about themselves and dress to show it off all week.

So while watching the rest of the show I tried to think of what I thought my best asset was...then I continued this pondering while running errands with my mother, before my bath while staring at myself naked, and afterwards, in my pjs....then came to the conclusion that I cannot think of a single cotton-pickin' thing.

Staring into the mirror, it's not that I think myself unattractive necessarily, I just can't seem to see it currently.  I know that what is being reflected from the mirror isn't my actual appearance because it differs depending upon who is observing it. All that is being revealed is the person I see myself as within my own mind.

While I know logically there probably is something, I don't feel it right now.  I know logically that I'm not fat or huge, I know logically one cannot feel fat, you either are or aren't-that doesn't stop me from feeling it. 

I feel fat, I feel ugly...so sue me.  I'm not going to lie just because it's illogical; since when did a women's feelings EVER become logical in the first place? The words don't mix.

I would probably drive Spock insane.

The difference is that just because I feel fat and ugly, doesn't mean I think on it, or focus on it.  I acknowledge that is how I feel because I don't see the point in lying about it, but I also acknowledge that the feelings are probably to most untrue and choose to think on other things.

It's hard to 'celebrate my uniqueness' when I don't honestly feel that unique (yes those pesky feelings again I know) I guess I'm not that confident. My mind replays all the classic good christian responses.

"God doesn't make junk (or trash)"
"I was beautifully and wonderfully made"
"I was made in God's image, carefully hand-formed"
Psalm 139
"Pray for God to reveal your talents"
"You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength"
"You're good at lots of things..."

I myself have said these to others struggling, and yet when thinking them to myself, find very little comfort or warmth. I have wrote blogs on what I like about myself but cant seem to connect to them currently.  So what to do?  I shave my legs, put a small, but loose, tee and my little red shorts. TELL myself in my head, "no matter what you think, what you feel-you know you are beautiful, and deserve to be treated with love and respect. You are a nice person, and should therefore be nice to yourself, regardless of your feelings at the moment. You have a purpose, through Christ Jesus"

"Even if you are finding difficulty loving yourself, you are still loved. You will always be loved by and for Him, regardless"

After that, I busy myself with chores of the night and good conversation. Write a basically pointless venting blog, and decide to write a letter to my friend.

Proverbs 31 Movement

Those who have read & kept up with my blog know that I've always tried to become more of a "Proverbs 31' type of girl, so this movement just excites me!  It's exactly what this world needs to me.






God is awesome! ...I know I get happy over the silliest things! I've learned to love myself, who I am and the characteristics and trademark details that make me unique, but still-for someone who struggles with knowing that I'll never look like the woman I wish I did, I'll never be a Victoria Secrets model, this speaks volumes.  I think this world would have more beautiful women in it if we worked on inner beauty instead of outer beauty. Usually the outside appearance will catch up with the inside, but the inside appearance doesn't generally tag along with the outside.

Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof." 

Proverbs 18:21 KJV

Today I began a fast, its a small one but still I feel the Lord guiding me.  I know I tend to be a bit on the pessimistic side of things in regards to myself, others can reach for the stars but all I feel I'm able to accomplish is helping to push them up to reach them. But in giving up sweets these 21 days I will replace them with the sweet fruit of my own lips...each day I will speak a positive statement about myself that counters a negative one I've made or thought of far too often in the past, along with scripture and a photo.

So today it starts.

I am beautiful in the eyes of my heavenly Father the most High God. 

"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well."

Psalm 139:14

"Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes. ...As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters"

Song of Solomon 1:15 & 2:2

Moring Run Together

*Originally written on September 4th, 2010*

There is a spot in my heart that only you can fill

There is a spot in Your heart that only I can fill

Thank You for coming and filling my heart and for giving me the desire and drive to fill Yours...

[I've been reading  Captivating by John & Staci Eldredge and just finished the Romanced section where they talk about how God wants to be romanced and wants to romance us, He wants an intimate relationship and it really put a desire in me to be romanced by God and to try and see how He reaches out daily to show me His unwavering love]

As I began my morning run with the Lord today, I turned on my ipod and began to listen to my music when I felt the Lord tell me to turn it off, that He wanted to sing to me. At first I wondered if I should, but then decided I could turn it off for a little while and if I got tired of silence I could always turn it back on. I was amazed at the music He played for me, just for me.

The orchestra of different insects harmonizing themselves and the breeze whistling softly.  Water trickling as the triangles, frogs adding their beat.  And then I saw God as the great conductor, tuning them all perfectly, and tuning myself also, my feet adding a unique drumming that only I can drum...my breath rhythmically playing notes only I can preform, no one else. I was part of the grand orchestra!

I passed over an opening of the trees and saw the beautiful sky, this day He paints a much softer hue than last time, with such a gentle heavenly glow about it.

"be still and know Me, be still and know that I AM GOD"

As I run I am still with you Lord, Speak to my heart, fill my heart in such a way, such a place only You can fill...let me embrace You and fill Your heart in such a way, such a place that only I can fill. That I was created and woven together just to fill.

I suddenly just wish He could hold me, embrace me, bear me against His chest and let me listen to His heartbeat...and then I open my eyes and beheld how He reached out to me through every branch, trying to embrace me, hold me close to Him, grasp me so tightly and securely...and then I hear it. Amongst the crickets I hear His heart beat, beating along side mine, I feel the warmth that flows out from His chest.  We go a ways this way, Him holding me tightly and me releasing myself, finally opening myself up to Him and all He is, opening places within myself I don't open to anyone, I don't bear upon anybody, the silent places and I release them to him. I hand it all to Him and feel comforted.  Then I smell Him, oh how His scent is amazing!
Better than anything heaven or earth, I soaked it in, absorbed it within myself.  His music continues to play, sometimes as soft as a whisper and sometimes more robust as an opera!

I hear machines in the background, at first it troubles me, but He reveals to me how even the roughness plays a part in the song, for it brings out the majisty of the rest!

Now the tune switches, it changes from God playing just for me to nature singing His praises!  Oh the glorious music and solos from the birds, the grand choir of nature giving their all to show His glory and honor and majesty.  Showing their love and adoration to Him!  and yet still in the background His heart beats alongside my own.

I then begin to hear footsteps with mine, I glance behind me and see no one, we are alone, alone with nature, I am alone with the Lord.  I hear His feet running with mine now, and a smile forms on my face...then He runs past me, and as I turn the corner I see Him, His light brightly shining through the trees past the corner and I speed up to meet Him there.  As I'm running toward Him I realize how dark it had become...you never realize how dark the darkness truly is until you see the honesty of the light.

We run together again, His presence helps me press forward and after a while, we begin to race!  I feel his joy and laughter as we push ourselves faster, and then just slow down and laugh as He grasps me once more.

As I near the end of our run, I begin to slowdown and walk with Him, soak up more of Him before we're through, and He shows me all the glorious morning glories, oh how beautiful they are!  All the purple and white, and then I see this small blue morning glory all alone, radiating the love of God.

"You are unique" He tells me "Small but mighty through Me! You are far more beautiful then these"

Thank you for filling my heart Lord, thank you for revealing Yours to me and allowing me to fill it in such a way that only I can fill. Thank you for spending Your time, Your morning with me, for wanting to spend Your morning romancing me!  Showing me Your love, your beauty and splendor!