ablaze

Looking over some of my old blog posts, trying to find one for a friend got me rereading a few, these in particular

BeYOUtiful

The Embrace

It's amazing how although written so long ago, it can really speak to me even now.  I realize despite all my efforts I'm still battling the same self disapproval...but I still hold the same hope :) I can see how I've grown from then till now and look over some of my walk with the Lord.

I've really recently been wanting to start back on my morning studies with the Lord, and now after meeting some wonderful fitness-minded Christians I really want to work again on improving my health. While my trip to Florida was amazing and blessed, I ate so much crap I've really and how that effects my body.  While I do believe in balance and moderation, I think I need to gain some moderation again.  So I will be trying to eat healthy again, getting back into shape and treating my temple with the respect it deserves.  Cause it's more then a bunch of crap I plop on the scale and get annoyed at once in awhile, it's me.  It's His temple and artwork...while I won't go into writing all that again, It's amazing how the passions of others can ignite you the embers of a fire that once burned so much more fierce!

Just wait, one day maybe I will be a fitness model, or at least one day I'll be able to achieve every obstacle during a race. 

Maybe one day I will look in the mirror and not find one single thing wrong with myself.

beauty-filled

What's beautiful? a blogger I follow recently asked that. Another wrote regarding her difficulty in not comparing and demeaning herself.  Along with friends, sisters, and so many other women out there it seems no matter how we try, loving ourselves is the hardest part for most women.

"Love others as ourselves" Matthew and Mark both mention Jesus teaching on this and while society generally puts the focus on the loving others part but that has a condition attached we all tend to look over.

love others as ourselves - others as = love ourselves

Why does this seem to be so hard?  Knowing God doesn't make junk  we heard growing up but for some reason it didn't really sink in.

So back to the original question, what's beautiful to me? How do I define beautiful?  

LOVE is beautiful, and to me nothing will be beautiful unless I view it through love. Or I have love for it...including myself.

God is love, so does that mean I automatically should find myself beautiful because I believe in Him, I'm made in His image, and have Jesus Christ residing within me? not necessarily.

Not if I don't see that love for myself.  

Not if my perfectionism gets in the way. 

Not if numbers gets in the way.

Not with a comparative, competitive nature.

Not without trusting my the strength God has given me. 

Not until I forgive and embrace myself for my imperfections.

Not unless I work towards it.

And I am, its a slow process with many failures and a filter that will take some elbow grease before I will be able to see clearly, or at least clearer.

^"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." 1 Corinthians 13:12-13 KJV

I recommend rereading 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter, but think about yourself, and how you treat yourself.

 

Be Your Own Kind Of Beautiful, His Kind Of Beautiful

 

Psalm 139

King James Version (KJV)

Psalm 139

 ¹O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
 ²Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
 ³Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
 ⁴For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.

 ⁵Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
 ⁶Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
 ⁷Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
 ⁸If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
 ⁹If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
 ¹⁰Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
 ¹¹If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
 ¹²Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
 ¹³For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.
 ¹⁴I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
 ¹⁵My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
 ¹⁶Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
 ¹⁷How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
 ¹⁸If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
 ¹⁹Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.
 ²⁰For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.
 ²¹Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?
 ²²I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.
 ²³Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
 ²⁴And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Something quick that's been on my mind...I've been thinking about and talking with  my mother about the beauty of nature & she made a comment about if the world so beautiful  now just imagine what it will be like in heaven.   I realized how  unique & beautiful we are....if nature is that amazing, and when we see angels we think how beautiful they are & yet we were made in the image of God!  How awesome is that!  

Right now, after the holidays & the weight-gain associated with it, all the junk I've ate and how much I feel icky, ugly, fat, & gross. No matter how many people have told me they think I'm beautiful, or look a lot better it's just hard to see it myself.  So when this came to mind, I'd like to think that it was my heavenly Father reminding me.

Joyce's Confident Women Devotional I started this year talked about a verse in this Psalm (my favorite Psalm by-the-way) & how we are unique; that no talent we have increases our value or a talent we don't have decreases it.  With my battle at finding my self-worth & not giving in to my feelings at the start of this year, this was a nice reminder.

 

I'm about to start a fast on sweets &  portion sizes & I think my focus may be to begin my 'things I'm thankful for journal' this time with at least one thing I'm thankful for each night.  Also I'm sure that when I start eating healthy again it will help me feel better about myself because honestly when you take care of yourself & eat healthy, you feel better & more confident. You should love God enough to take care of the hand-crafted, personal, & unique image of Himself He gave you & ONLY you.

BeYOUtiful

"Lucky that my lips not only mumble
They spill kisses like a fountain
Lucky that my breasts are small and humble
So you don't confuse them with mountains
Lucky I have strong legs like my mother
To run for cover when I need it
And these two eyes that for no other
The day you leave will cry a river"

Shakira "Whenever, Wherever"

Whenever I hear that song, I think of my friend Marie saying how that line made her think of me.  I do have small breasts...and I do have stong legs-just like my mother.  It's funny how different Marie and I grew up to be in appearance, and yet, I think we are both uniquely and beautifuly designed.  

While we look similar, my two older sisters, my mother, and myself each carry a separate beauty all ours. My friend Chelsi and I get mistaken for each other quite often, but even then we're our own masterpiece, each fingerprint and strand of hair, each shadow we cast is perfectly personalized.

.

Today is National Love Your Body Day, a day when women of all sizes, colors, ages and abilities come together to celebrate self-acceptance and to promote positive body image.

So I decided to write about something that's been on my mind lately. 

I love...

...my muscular legs, thighs, calves. Partly I inherited and partly I worked hard for.

...my brown hair, brown eyes. Simple yet complex, unique, one shade that's many.  Can be hidden in the crowd or stand out alone.

...my olive skin tone, & all the different shades it comes in depending where your eyes land.

...my long piano fingers, with boney knuckles.

...my toes, abused & abstract in design.

...my small bust, chest, collar bones.

...my long neck.

...my butt. Little, but well earned.

...my pear body shape.

...my eyes, my eyelashes & all the tears that have washed them.

...my cheek bones.

...my face, shape & structure.

...my nose, slightly off-center cherry and all.  I even love how when I cry, I turn into Rudolph.

...my lips, light pink & not too big, not too small.

...my smile.

...my teeth.

...my long waist, my hips.

...my stomach, just how it is. The abs I have defined and the stomach I haven't.

...my height, not too tall.

...my curves, my shape.

...my heritage, genetics, roots.

...my drive, energy.

...my strong emotions, feelings.

...my passionate heart.

...my spirit, guided by His grace.

...my love for the Lord.

...my dorkiness & goofy since of humor.

...my love for the arts, for nature, the environment, & for God creatures.

...my weaknesses, my failures-for they have and will help shape me. They reveal to me how much I really do need God.

...my uniqueness, my artistic design. Handcrafted by my Heavenly Father.

...me! & all that it embodies

Charlotte's Web of Love

81. Charlotte Elizabeth Jernigan

I've always felt that Marie and I were in some way soul sisters.  Whereas sometimes you feel family has to love you out of obligation, she has always out of choice (although sometimes I have began to wonder why)

I think she's one of the few people that have managed to find my obnoxiousness and over-emotional tendencies more amusing than annoying at this point.  No matter what, she always has been & I know she always will be there for me. I can talk to her about anything and she always understands, and can generally make me smile no matter what my day has been like.  I am one of the few lucky people in this world to have known my best friend my entire life, and hope to continue to do so for the rest of it.

I love her art, and her love of art...I love her, but out of all of her artistic expressions, I love her little artwork hand-formed by the fingers of God our Father the most.

She is the most beautiful thing I think I've ever seen...

...inside and out, throughout her being.

I don't believe I have ever seen such a beautiful baby, such a beautiful lady for that matter.  Her smile has to be one of the most amazing things ever, her expression of pure joy.  While I know what I feel has no comparison to her mother, sometimes I feel I've had a child myself.  I can only hope that if God is willing to fix my hormones and allow me to have children one day, that I will be able to be the mother Marie is.

Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof." 

Proverbs 18:21 KJV

Today I began a fast, its a small one but still I feel the Lord guiding me.  I know I tend to be a bit on the pessimistic side of things in regards to myself, others can reach for the stars but all I feel I'm able to accomplish is helping to push them up to reach them. But in giving up sweets these 21 days I will replace them with the sweet fruit of my own lips...each day I will speak a positive statement about myself that counters a negative one I've made or thought of far too often in the past, along with scripture and a photo.

So today it starts.

I am beautiful in the eyes of my heavenly Father the most High God. 

"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well."

Psalm 139:14

"Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes. ...As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters"

Song of Solomon 1:15 & 2:2

Feelings...nothing more than feelings...

*Originally written on March 14th, 2011*

I hate that I have such strong feelings, strong emotions, & a strong soul sometimes...One of the hardest things for me to do is express how I feel, I feel so much with such a passion it feels like I'm cracking into pieces...every tear is so loaded with more than any person I can imagine.  I know God doesn't give us more than we can bear, but this is such a heavy burden to carry sometimes...

so I run...like Forrest Gump I run with all I am, I harden myself, grab some sneakers and run till I'm numb or my legs won't carry me any further...why express things nobody else really is concerned or even knows exist.  Who would listen anyhoo, and why would they care to?  Part of me wonders why I'm even writing this blog.

I had planned on only running 6 miles, but you KNOW it's God when the Floyd Road Silver Comet trail light changes right when you reach it, its such a rarity, that I changed directions to my longer route and went up to 8.4 miles, but ended up running 10.5 instead.  While it wasn't enough to run away completely from myself-not even a corner really-I did connect with God by the end.

The blue sky and warmth from the sun, or for me the Son, powered me...cheered me up and on and even helped me bless others on the trail He brought along my path.  And the end, I felt heavy, but instead of it being from all the hurt and feelings and inner pain within my soul, it was heavy from the blessed weight of His unmerited favor and love, the weight of all that He is!

The more I know and experience Him the more I want to know and experience! And yet, the harder it is to really handle...I'm sure we don't even grasp an atom of the being and essence of God the Father, God the Son, or God the Holy Spirit.  At one point I almost wanted to collapse, but not from my own tears but from the glory of God upon me, it was like He was drawing me to Him, comforting me but in the act of His embrace, the closer I got the harder it was to bear the fullness of who He is...yet like a drug I still crave more!  It may overwhelm me, and the more it happens on my runs I wonder if my body will be able to handle it, but I want another hit of Christ, I want another dose but a bigger one!  Give me oh God as much as I can handle of You, and then even more!  If it kills me it would just draw me even closer to You!  And what a way to die, to die from the embrace of the LORD!

Not that I'm wanting to die or anything, just a thought.

On the way home a song came on that always reaches me, Beautiful by Mercy Me.

The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
I'm praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes
You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

A friend once posted this for me (and others) and it really does reach out to me...I just sat in the car, crying out to my Father, tears I cannot explain, for feelings I cannot explain.  My soul is tired, I'm tired of caring so much.  Wishing they would just leave me, but knowing He's given them to me for some reason and purpose I cannot fathom at this point in my life.

In all of this life, at least I'm beautiful to Him, at least I know that God desires me, loves me, understands me and accepts me just as I am, just as He created me to be. Knowing all the mistakes I would make, He loves me.  Knowing I would let Him down He loved me.  Knowing I would doubt Him, knowing my lack of faith, knowing how many times I would cry to Him over the same silly things that in the end, don't seem to matter much to anyone but me...He loved me.  He even made me to care about those silly little things...I may not be able to express my feelings, not even well to God, but I can cry with all my heart to Him, and He understands it all, the unspoken inexpressible feelings, emotions, the pain, the tears...He strengthens my Spirit and through it-my soul is nourished

and I carry on.

Through Him, and by Him and Him alone...despite He's lack of answers He has for my pain-filled questions, He carries me on with a joy amidst the storm of my life.  For the joy of the Lord is my strength and stronghold in times of trouble.  We don't have to understand, in fact I think that is when we receive His true peace, is when we let go and let God...

it just took me 10.5 miles and a cry on the Lord's shoulder to get there

Thinking in a New Way

*Originally written on May 27th, 2010*

God has really started to reveal my wrong thought patterns I've never noticed before so I'm going to confront them, and re-write them

Wrong thought:
I feel like whenever I'm full that I'm fat & ugly
Corrected thought:
Being full does not mean I'm fat, I am thin, fit & beautiful even when I"m full

Wrong thought:
Whenever I'm hungry I'm more attractive & beautiful, I have more self esteem and confidence
Corrected thought:
Being hungry & depriving myself does not make me more attractive or thinner, I am always beautiful no matter what. I have confidence in being a child of God and his holy temple and dwelling place. I have confidence in & through him and not myself or restricting or deprivation.

I never realized that just eating had such an effect on how I viewed myself...how sad is that?  But hey, at least I know it now and I'm working on correcting it