The Embrace

*Originally written on March17th, 2011*

I almost didn't post this. It is going to be a personal, more intimate, blog-harder for me even than the last...which trust me was a stepping out. The only reason I have the strength to type this, besides God who inspired me in the first place, was a friend who helped me realize, although painful, open rejection is worth it if you can help just one soul. For isn't that exactly what Christ came and did, for each and every individual.  This subject came at random Tuesday morning on my way to work after a nice hour and a half oversleeping.

It all started with a song, but not one on the radio, not on my car CD player, not on my iPod or iPhone, but it played in my mind.

Natalie Imbruglia "Torn"

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm
He came around
And he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry

Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know
Or seem to care
What your heart is for
I don't know him anymore

There's nothin' where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothings right
I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
I should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins
And now, I don't care
I have no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can't touch
I'm torn

There's nothin' he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's right
I'm torn
Chorus

The chorus is what played continuously in my head.  Why on earth was I thinking of this song?  I've not heard its overplayed lyrics in years...and it came to me.

It's how the world leaves us and how we first embrace God. 

We start by seeking this spouse, beautiful looking, seeming to care...so we stray from God and instead pour out ourselves-our souls, revealing ourselves and all to be fooled and left alone bound and broken on the floor.  The 'perfect' sky, perfect idealistic life is torn slowly before our eyes. Like that famous emperor we are all promised by the world such a beautiful set of clothing, when really we are too prideful to realize how naked and foolish we really are.

"Bound, naked, ashamed".  We just want to hide, but it is this state that God wants to embrace us, comfort us...and its in this state we finally surrender all of ourselves to him, revealing our more sacred, tender side.

Our intimate parts.

I think this is a major part of why our relationship with Christ is compared to a marriage, there is just something about a newlywed couple...the wedding night, and the first time she undresses before Him-before anyone.  The first time she makes herself vulnerable to someone, to touch and to be touched.  For me, its something I fear-and yet-excitedly await.  As a girl who's waiting till she's married in a society where sex is something you do with anyone when your bored.

I have a horrible fear of being vulnerable.  I try to hide my true inner feelings, oh so many to hide it hurts so badly as they bleed forth from my heart, my eyes, and my knees as my legs collapse because I'd rather run then reveal who I really am to the world.  The pain of being ashamed that you feel makes the idea of any kind of intimacy difficult to grasp, especially that kind.  I can't even stare at some people in the eyes when I can tell they see through who I am (which is why cute shoes are always important) much less having that same person stare at me, undressed inside and out.

But there must be something to this, for Solomon wrote an entire book of the bible about the relationship between a man and a women. A relationship that, at least as a girl, is what I've been awaiting my heavenly Father to bring me. My soul mate, the one who I complete, that I can unite with and create one being with. A Song of Solomon is book too often skipped and overlooked, under-read, its become the scarlet letter of the bible. Ashamed, people often try to make excuses about how it 'accidently' got inserted...But I find it to be one of the most intriguing and beautiful books within the bible. 

Now I'm not saying I believe that it represents our relationship with God, but to me it reveals why God creates sex as such an important event.  It was the first command God gave Adam and Eve. To multiply-well there is only one way to really do that. And I'm not trying to glamorize sex.  It is a very physical event between two people and not the fairytale they make little girls believe to keep them a virgin as long as possible. I realize this, but I guess as someone on the outside of things, and very inexperienced in this area (OBVIOUSLY), its what I see and feel.

Since we are the bride of Christ, we begin our marriage when we come to Him naked and broken...awaiting His touch to heal our hearts as we then lovingly embrace each other.  There is something about being in the arms of Christ that I think cannot be compared to anything earthly and yet...every true believer that has a deep relationship with the Lord understands, in their own personal way; a way no other being does. 

Not to get on this again, but we would never understand the deep meaningful intimate embrace of our Lord Jesus Christ if it wasn't for the painful rejection of the world. 

*Comment from original post:

Love it love! Thanks for being so raw and open. I LOVE reading your writings! It inspires me to want to write in my blog… if I could only bring myself to do it haha

Chelsi

What can a wife do for a husband?

*Originally written November 14th, 2010*

I hear so many preachers, women, men, books, talk shows, psychologists, therapists, & many others always talk about what a women really want that will help with the relationship...but something seems lacking to me, it's so one-sided. I want to hear what a wife can do for her husband.  Why is it we always focus on the female, I guess because were so hard to  read and tend to just expect our men to know what we want...but love is self-sacrificing.  It isn't that I think it not that important what women want and need, it is!  But its also important for us to talk with our husbands, our men, and TELL THEM OURSELVES!  I think it will form more of a bond, a mutual respect for one another, by confronting and talking about your needs and each other's needs.  You will grow closer not just by talking to each other about your more intimate needs but also by doing each other's more intimate needs.

Anyways, I'm not married, and I'm not a man obviously, so if there are men or husbands that read this, let the world know what it is YOU want in a marriage, in a wife, in a God-centered relationship...what you need from us...what can a wife do for a husband.

Intertwine with Him

*Originally written on November 11th, 2010*

Due to weather, I've ran on my treadmill the last few times, and last week I ran after my girl appointment...a big day for me since I've not weighed myself for about a month, & along with some health concerns it was a day I was awaiting to get over with.  Well after that lovely appointment I ran my long run at home, and  once I reached 8.5 miles I decided to go and run the last 1.5 and make it 10 miles.  Well that last 1.5 miles were the ones God really spoke to me, but what was more amazing (and disgusting really) was I've never sweated like I did then in my life. It was a sticky thicker kinda sweat that seemed to ooze from everywhere yucko-ness.

To me, it felt like God was purging me of something, what I'm not entirely sure...maybe Ed and all my eating issues, maybe something else He has yet to reveal...

This week He just focused me on trusting Him and not always needing some proof or growth, but enjoying just the everyday with God and letting Him guide you in the way you should go...learning His voice and guidance within your own individual life and relationship with Him.

 Oh yes and His sunrise today was a beautiful blue & pink gently swirlled together.  With the sun shinning a dark gold behind the amber, and crimson leaves as it starts its decent.

It reminded me of how God has made us to intertwine with Him, for now and all eternity. How beautiful of a thought that is to me!

random thoughts from a few runs I thought I'd pass along!

Moring Run Together

*Originally written on September 4th, 2010*

There is a spot in my heart that only you can fill

There is a spot in Your heart that only I can fill

Thank You for coming and filling my heart and for giving me the desire and drive to fill Yours...

[I've been reading  Captivating by John & Staci Eldredge and just finished the Romanced section where they talk about how God wants to be romanced and wants to romance us, He wants an intimate relationship and it really put a desire in me to be romanced by God and to try and see how He reaches out daily to show me His unwavering love]

As I began my morning run with the Lord today, I turned on my ipod and began to listen to my music when I felt the Lord tell me to turn it off, that He wanted to sing to me. At first I wondered if I should, but then decided I could turn it off for a little while and if I got tired of silence I could always turn it back on. I was amazed at the music He played for me, just for me.

The orchestra of different insects harmonizing themselves and the breeze whistling softly.  Water trickling as the triangles, frogs adding their beat.  And then I saw God as the great conductor, tuning them all perfectly, and tuning myself also, my feet adding a unique drumming that only I can drum...my breath rhythmically playing notes only I can preform, no one else. I was part of the grand orchestra!

I passed over an opening of the trees and saw the beautiful sky, this day He paints a much softer hue than last time, with such a gentle heavenly glow about it.

"be still and know Me, be still and know that I AM GOD"

As I run I am still with you Lord, Speak to my heart, fill my heart in such a way, such a place only You can fill...let me embrace You and fill Your heart in such a way, such a place that only I can fill. That I was created and woven together just to fill.

I suddenly just wish He could hold me, embrace me, bear me against His chest and let me listen to His heartbeat...and then I open my eyes and beheld how He reached out to me through every branch, trying to embrace me, hold me close to Him, grasp me so tightly and securely...and then I hear it. Amongst the crickets I hear His heart beat, beating along side mine, I feel the warmth that flows out from His chest.  We go a ways this way, Him holding me tightly and me releasing myself, finally opening myself up to Him and all He is, opening places within myself I don't open to anyone, I don't bear upon anybody, the silent places and I release them to him. I hand it all to Him and feel comforted.  Then I smell Him, oh how His scent is amazing!
Better than anything heaven or earth, I soaked it in, absorbed it within myself.  His music continues to play, sometimes as soft as a whisper and sometimes more robust as an opera!

I hear machines in the background, at first it troubles me, but He reveals to me how even the roughness plays a part in the song, for it brings out the majisty of the rest!

Now the tune switches, it changes from God playing just for me to nature singing His praises!  Oh the glorious music and solos from the birds, the grand choir of nature giving their all to show His glory and honor and majesty.  Showing their love and adoration to Him!  and yet still in the background His heart beats alongside my own.

I then begin to hear footsteps with mine, I glance behind me and see no one, we are alone, alone with nature, I am alone with the Lord.  I hear His feet running with mine now, and a smile forms on my face...then He runs past me, and as I turn the corner I see Him, His light brightly shining through the trees past the corner and I speed up to meet Him there.  As I'm running toward Him I realize how dark it had become...you never realize how dark the darkness truly is until you see the honesty of the light.

We run together again, His presence helps me press forward and after a while, we begin to race!  I feel his joy and laughter as we push ourselves faster, and then just slow down and laugh as He grasps me once more.

As I near the end of our run, I begin to slowdown and walk with Him, soak up more of Him before we're through, and He shows me all the glorious morning glories, oh how beautiful they are!  All the purple and white, and then I see this small blue morning glory all alone, radiating the love of God.

"You are unique" He tells me "Small but mighty through Me! You are far more beautiful then these"

Thank you for filling my heart Lord, thank you for revealing Yours to me and allowing me to fill it in such a way that only I can fill. Thank you for spending Your time, Your morning with me, for wanting to spend Your morning romancing me!  Showing me Your love, your beauty and splendor!