untitled

So I had a controlled anger-run today...which will be the norm for awhile. I had a someone send me a picture of himself and then his "little buddy" and made a comment regarding the time I got off work and what I did for fun. After totally freaking out, I realized that when I upgraded my Facebook they re-posted my phone number. I had a suspect I thought it may be so I blocked him.  I then talked to my boss, then the campus cop to make a report where he helped me retrieve the number and will be calling him for me to let him know I don't appreciate him contacting me, ever. When I returned to the library for some reason my boss and coworkers couldn't pull his profile so I unblocked him to pull it up and lo, it's gone....and here I was starting to feel like I was jumping to conclusions, and I may still be, but how creepy is that? 

Now I am being walked to my car after work, and basically trail running outside in this beautiful early spring weather is out of the question for the moment. My walks at lunch around the building while reading are even being questioned and I've had to locate my pepper spray....the pervert.

In other news, I have yet another blood test tomorrow, this one I can't shower beforehand in case the soap causes a reaction, and is also fasting.  After this I'm being put on two more medications for a month. One is an estrogen-hormone pill I'll take for 28 days, the other is one I start on day 14 and take through day 26, which is supposed to yet again cause some bleeding 2 days after the fact.  The last time they put me on it alone for 10 days I never started so we shall see.  Then I have another follow-up appointment, this one after the routine physical I scheduled at my primary care doctor. 

So what's wrong with me you may ask, sorry I'm asking the same question.  For those who I haven't talked to about this, I'll finally be open (I guess if you've stuck around reading my blog for this long you deserve it), I haven't had my monthly cycle for over 6 months.  Why? that's what is being tested.  I started the first day of high school and was irregular from the beginning, of course being told that it's normal for the first year. Then it was normal for the first couple years, then few years until I graduated at 17 still skipping months all the time. Sometime after age 18 when they started growing closer together (more than 1 per month) I finally saw the doctor regarding them and started my trials of different birth controls, which always screwed me up by the end.  I've been told it's due to my weight, exercise habit, both of which are perfectly under control now and have been for awhile and still...nothing folks. 

I don't want a pill, I want to know why...early menopause, Celiac disease, genetics, I don't care at this point as long as I knew what! I don't want to sit here and be a birth control test subject, I don't want to take it at all honestly. I don't want to take the stupid pills they're giving me now, I'm just dealing with them since it's only temporary and will hopefully bring closure to this horrible chapter of my life.

Part of me feels that it, along with my IBS issues, are both somehow also related to the crap they keep putting into foods-by genetically modifying them or spraying them with crazy chemicals-but that's just a theory, and a subject of another blog.

Well there's my rant, sorry I just need to get it all off my chest.  I know these trials will draw me closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior Christ Jesus as it is only His strength I'm running on at this point. My faith in Him, His love and protection, are what are keeping me sane at this point.  But all I ask is that I remain in your prayers.

His Joy

My chest hurts with love & pain mixed, my stomach feels sick...so much has gone on outside & inside within me. Some good some bad.  Old friends returned, close friends felt pushed away...I've hurt those I love.

I want to run & I can't.  I just want to hold onto someone & cry, but can't.  I want to write the feelings, but no words flow from my finger tips, I want to draw out my emotions, but no pictures form within my mind. 

God give me your peace, your sweet serenity, comfort, joy amongst the storm that envelops this holiday season. Help me remember the true meaning of this holiday, the birth of Your son, Jesus Christ, and His love for all mankind.

I know that with You, Your love, all will be okay.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 KJV

Call me, oh God my Father, help me achieve your will for me. 

Shoreline

There's something about sitting on the beach, no matter the season, and watching the tide. The wind brushing against you, the waves as they finally grasp the edge of the shoreline just to get pulled right back into the ocean.

How many times do our lives feel as if they are doing the same thing?

I know so many people who are going through some very difficult and trying times this holiday season, and others who are finally seeing the much needed blessings come after their long trials have finally seemed to come to an end.

But isn't that what life is generally about; the trials and how we pull through them?  Dont the trying times of our lives form our character, and strengthen our trust in the Lord?  If we never needed to be rescued by Him, how would we ever know that He could, or would for that matter? We all know that God the Father gave His one and only son, Jesus Christ, for our sins and that whoever believes in Him has everlasting life, but I think too many times we take this sacrifice for granted. We just expect it and think His love stops there, never realizing that God's tears at every trial we encounter create the current that lovingly pushes us closer and closer to the sand. 

And how would we know what we are truly made of?  The shells and sea creatures we carry along with us and deposit on the shore's edge, painting a different backdrop with each powerful drop of water against the sand. Each one of our lives is a work of art, and the things we carry along with us and deposit upon the shore are what its made of.

Time Ticking Away

So much happens so quickly nowadays, it's hard to keep a hold on time and not letting it get wasted away...

Today is Leap Second Adjustment Time, one of the times that have been favored for the addition or subtraction of a second from our clock time to coordinate atomic and astronomical time. The determination to adjust is made by the International Earth Rotation Service of the International Bureau of Weights and Measures, at Paris, France.

This brings to my mind thoughts of the value of time, of seconds.  We tend to think of time as so fixed and finite but in reality, maybe not so much?

"But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day." 2 Peter 3:8 KJV

How do we then define time, how does one go about having the 'time of their lives'?  I don't think humanity really has a hold of what it is to begin with.  To me then, it's the quality of our moments on this earth that I define as time.

This is something that has been bouncing within my brain-quality versus quantity of time.  We are always looking for more time, we want to live longer lives but what's the use of having a mass quantity of years here if the quality of the time was pathetic?

Who lived a fuller life, a baby who dies in the hands of its mother in perfect peace, with love and immense joy...or an extremely old man, angry and alone, with no friends and loved ones?

I think we all search for more time because we secretly realize how much of time we have wasted so far and are scared to try and discover something worthy within ourselves to express our lives by.  Maybe we all have a fear that we have no depth or quality, so we'd rather keep delaying our finish line to see if we will ever discover something worth anything. The truth is that the only good thing inside, the only thing that gives us quality, is the Lord God almighty.  Jesus within each of us, His Holy Spirit, is the only part that really can add to this life anything of value.

Strange as it is, I started this on a run (shocker I know) after a friend wanted me to help them get back into running.  Everybody who wants to always tells me that they don't want to hold me back, but in reality they aren't, they add to me.

Yes, I can run pretty far compared to some people, but also when looking at others my miles seem slow and pathetic, just a warm up for multi-day runners.  What makes a run worth anything is the experience you have during.  My time with God the Father, or wonderful conversations with friends are what truly define a good run I think, not how hard I pushed myself...not how fast I ran...not how many calories I just burned...not how high is my heart rate...not how out of breath I am...& not how many people I passed along the way.

Like with dancing, I don't think it's about how well someone danced...how on step they were, but more how much of themselves they poured into it...this is what I love about art and dance honestly, seeing people expressed so openly.

This concept I then realized applies to me whether your talking about a physical run, spiritual run, or just the running of our lives.

Be Joyous

So my best friend Chelsi started this 100 things that bring her joy-picture list thing, & my sister Elena started one also.  Seeing both of theirs I wondered what I would put on my own.  So here part of it is!


1. God the Father


2. Jesus Christ my Savior

3. Holy Spirit who guides me


4. God's Word, the Holy Bible


5. Psalm 139


6. running in nature with God


7. Childhood forever friends-Marie Jernigan


8. hanging out with best friends, people who accept you for who you are


 9. Hikes or Nature walks (esp with my Chelsibabe)


10. Being with my sisters

11. accidentally falling asleep on the couch with my mom


12. veggies/ fresh produce

13. Salads














13. Salads



14. growing things


15. going to the theater/orchestra


16. musieums, especially art


17. Ballets


18. the night sky/star-gazing


19. Sunrises & Sunsets, whether outside running or in my car.


20. Cat head rubs

Healed though Him

"Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved: for thou art my praise."

Jeremiah 17:14 KJV

I am a healthy and well child of God & by the stripes of Jesus Christ I am healed, complete, & whole!

^"Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all."

Isaiah 53:4-6 KJV

The Embrace

*Originally written on March17th, 2011*

I almost didn't post this. It is going to be a personal, more intimate, blog-harder for me even than the last...which trust me was a stepping out. The only reason I have the strength to type this, besides God who inspired me in the first place, was a friend who helped me realize, although painful, open rejection is worth it if you can help just one soul. For isn't that exactly what Christ came and did, for each and every individual.  This subject came at random Tuesday morning on my way to work after a nice hour and a half oversleeping.

It all started with a song, but not one on the radio, not on my car CD player, not on my iPod or iPhone, but it played in my mind.

Natalie Imbruglia "Torn"

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm
He came around
And he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry

Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know
Or seem to care
What your heart is for
I don't know him anymore

There's nothin' where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothings right
I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
I should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins
And now, I don't care
I have no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can't touch
I'm torn

There's nothin' he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's right
I'm torn
Chorus

The chorus is what played continuously in my head.  Why on earth was I thinking of this song?  I've not heard its overplayed lyrics in years...and it came to me.

It's how the world leaves us and how we first embrace God. 

We start by seeking this spouse, beautiful looking, seeming to care...so we stray from God and instead pour out ourselves-our souls, revealing ourselves and all to be fooled and left alone bound and broken on the floor.  The 'perfect' sky, perfect idealistic life is torn slowly before our eyes. Like that famous emperor we are all promised by the world such a beautiful set of clothing, when really we are too prideful to realize how naked and foolish we really are.

"Bound, naked, ashamed".  We just want to hide, but it is this state that God wants to embrace us, comfort us...and its in this state we finally surrender all of ourselves to him, revealing our more sacred, tender side.

Our intimate parts.

I think this is a major part of why our relationship with Christ is compared to a marriage, there is just something about a newlywed couple...the wedding night, and the first time she undresses before Him-before anyone.  The first time she makes herself vulnerable to someone, to touch and to be touched.  For me, its something I fear-and yet-excitedly await.  As a girl who's waiting till she's married in a society where sex is something you do with anyone when your bored.

I have a horrible fear of being vulnerable.  I try to hide my true inner feelings, oh so many to hide it hurts so badly as they bleed forth from my heart, my eyes, and my knees as my legs collapse because I'd rather run then reveal who I really am to the world.  The pain of being ashamed that you feel makes the idea of any kind of intimacy difficult to grasp, especially that kind.  I can't even stare at some people in the eyes when I can tell they see through who I am (which is why cute shoes are always important) much less having that same person stare at me, undressed inside and out.

But there must be something to this, for Solomon wrote an entire book of the bible about the relationship between a man and a women. A relationship that, at least as a girl, is what I've been awaiting my heavenly Father to bring me. My soul mate, the one who I complete, that I can unite with and create one being with. A Song of Solomon is book too often skipped and overlooked, under-read, its become the scarlet letter of the bible. Ashamed, people often try to make excuses about how it 'accidently' got inserted...But I find it to be one of the most intriguing and beautiful books within the bible. 

Now I'm not saying I believe that it represents our relationship with God, but to me it reveals why God creates sex as such an important event.  It was the first command God gave Adam and Eve. To multiply-well there is only one way to really do that. And I'm not trying to glamorize sex.  It is a very physical event between two people and not the fairytale they make little girls believe to keep them a virgin as long as possible. I realize this, but I guess as someone on the outside of things, and very inexperienced in this area (OBVIOUSLY), its what I see and feel.

Since we are the bride of Christ, we begin our marriage when we come to Him naked and broken...awaiting His touch to heal our hearts as we then lovingly embrace each other.  There is something about being in the arms of Christ that I think cannot be compared to anything earthly and yet...every true believer that has a deep relationship with the Lord understands, in their own personal way; a way no other being does. 

Not to get on this again, but we would never understand the deep meaningful intimate embrace of our Lord Jesus Christ if it wasn't for the painful rejection of the world. 

*Comment from original post:

Love it love! Thanks for being so raw and open. I LOVE reading your writings! It inspires me to want to write in my blog… if I could only bring myself to do it haha

Chelsi

You are...

*Originally written on August 14th, 2010*

You are my DJ

You are the music

You are the bird singing out to me

You are the distance

You are my endurance

You keep me going

You are my path

You are my choice

You are the embracing breeze

You are the heavenly light above

You are its warmth

You are the warmth within me

You are the sweat that makes my face shine in the sun

You are the beat in my chest

You are the beat between my feet

You are the beat within my heart

You are the branch reaching out to touch me

You are the my starting line

You are the prize at the end

You are my partner

You are beside me

You are before me

You are my rear guard

Your glory surrounds me

Your love is within me

Your essence I feed on

You are my reason

You are my purpose

You are my all

You are I AM!