Fear & Trust

"For my sighing cometh before I eat, and my roarings are poured out like the waters. For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me. I was not in safety, neither had I rest, neither was I quiet; yet trouble came." Job 3:24-26 KJV

Would you feel just as beautiful if you looked like you dreamed of, but were 20 pounds heavier?  This is a fear that many women have, which God brought to a friend of mine through a dream.

As I head to the gym yet again, instead of running I decided to do the arc trainer and listen to the fireman who told me I shouldn't run outside till it cools down a bit (I run at 4:30 pm so its crazy hot).  Also telling myself I'm just letting my knee rest a bit more, since it's bothering me a tink.  

This way I'll stretch it out really well first.

If God took away my ability to run-our runs together-would I be alright? Would I love Him the same? Seek after Him just as much?  Would I listen?

My answer to this question is a reluctant "only if you make me"

Has the thing I feared come upon me already?  My fear of not being able to run has begun to take hold before I even permanently hurt myself-from my fear of permanently hurting myself. 

Would I feel just as close to God if He chose to take away my runs with Him?

I've realized my fear of not being able to run has lead me to not running already.  It has also made me think of an even greater fear...

What if I lose the desire to run?  

I tell others all the time, that not everyone is a runner and not to do it if you don't enjoy it...but am I okay with becoming one of those individuals? While I still enjoy running now, I will admit not as much as before (which is a good thing with how my knees are already I'm not sure they could handle much more). What is it about not running that scares me so?  I already know how to keep in shape regardless so that's not it, and I enjoy hiking just as much outside and can bond with God through that or other means...

Is it the change?  Although I can bond with Him in other ways, I guess part of me is scared to lose that bond I already have with a good run.  Why do I feel less beautiful if I don't run sometimes?

"Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him." 

Job 13:15 KJV

I cannot say I have answers to these questions I pose upon myself, but as I soaked in a hot bath today pondering upon all these things, I changed my answer...if it is your will Lord, I will obey.

“He’ll be coming and going” [...] “One day you'll see him and another you won't. He doesn't like being tied down — and of course he has other countries to attend to. It's quite all right. He'll often drop in. Only you mustn't press him. He's wild, you know. Not like a tame lion."

Mr. Beaver, in Ch. 17 : The Hunting of the White Stag

The Chronicles of Narnia

Time Ticking Away

So much happens so quickly nowadays, it's hard to keep a hold on time and not letting it get wasted away...

Today is Leap Second Adjustment Time, one of the times that have been favored for the addition or subtraction of a second from our clock time to coordinate atomic and astronomical time. The determination to adjust is made by the International Earth Rotation Service of the International Bureau of Weights and Measures, at Paris, France.

This brings to my mind thoughts of the value of time, of seconds.  We tend to think of time as so fixed and finite but in reality, maybe not so much?

"But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day." 2 Peter 3:8 KJV

How do we then define time, how does one go about having the 'time of their lives'?  I don't think humanity really has a hold of what it is to begin with.  To me then, it's the quality of our moments on this earth that I define as time.

This is something that has been bouncing within my brain-quality versus quantity of time.  We are always looking for more time, we want to live longer lives but what's the use of having a mass quantity of years here if the quality of the time was pathetic?

Who lived a fuller life, a baby who dies in the hands of its mother in perfect peace, with love and immense joy...or an extremely old man, angry and alone, with no friends and loved ones?

I think we all search for more time because we secretly realize how much of time we have wasted so far and are scared to try and discover something worthy within ourselves to express our lives by.  Maybe we all have a fear that we have no depth or quality, so we'd rather keep delaying our finish line to see if we will ever discover something worth anything. The truth is that the only good thing inside, the only thing that gives us quality, is the Lord God almighty.  Jesus within each of us, His Holy Spirit, is the only part that really can add to this life anything of value.

Strange as it is, I started this on a run (shocker I know) after a friend wanted me to help them get back into running.  Everybody who wants to always tells me that they don't want to hold me back, but in reality they aren't, they add to me.

Yes, I can run pretty far compared to some people, but also when looking at others my miles seem slow and pathetic, just a warm up for multi-day runners.  What makes a run worth anything is the experience you have during.  My time with God the Father, or wonderful conversations with friends are what truly define a good run I think, not how hard I pushed myself...not how fast I ran...not how many calories I just burned...not how high is my heart rate...not how out of breath I am...& not how many people I passed along the way.

Like with dancing, I don't think it's about how well someone danced...how on step they were, but more how much of themselves they poured into it...this is what I love about art and dance honestly, seeing people expressed so openly.

This concept I then realized applies to me whether your talking about a physical run, spiritual run, or just the running of our lives.