Blessings

The blessings of others should be a blessing to us.

Have you every had a hard time with that before? Sometimes, while I really truly am excited for the individual, I start to feel a little neglected myself.  You wonder where God is in your life?

My sister just got a second great paying amazing job, only this time it really will be an amazing job! She has been through so much recently that I am really excited for her, and she's a great worker so she deserves it. With all that her and her husband have been through recently it has been a long time coming. 

And while I'm glad things are looking up for her, part of me wonders where God is for me. 

Once years back, one of the few times I attended youth church (although ironically I was no longer youth-they were trying to get me to become a youth leader which didn't happen) the youth pastor's dad was preaching and had a word for someone. I knew it wouldn't be me cause it never is...which is was.

He said that it was like I had a "to do" list for God and he wanted me to know he knew about it and was working on it. That was so true, and still is. 

While driving to work today I was thinking on this, all my desires: to have a soul mate, a better job, get out of debt, tone up, move out,...praying to God again for these things. Especially the soul mate, since I NEVER wanted to be single at the age of 28 and here I am and only have a little over 3 months left before I become 29. Why God is making me wait for so long only He knows, and I have learned to be happy being single, I can't say I still don't want my other half.  

I want a job where people like me there, where my boss likes me there, and where I actually earn enough to live off of instead of just barely scraping by.  Where there is a chance of promotion and I won't be stagnant. 

I'm tired of debt, which is self explanatory...I never imagined I would have so much debt at this age, but tis the american way I guess. My sister always says I shouldn't stress cause I can't take it with me and while that's true, to me it doesn't mean I need to keep letting it build up and not do anything about it.

Build muscle and lose fat. To a point this will always be a goal for me. Health and fitness is something I'm into and while I do like my body and myself currently, I would like to tone up. I want to be able to do a pull-up finally!  I want to climb a rope and be strong enough to do all the obstacles in obstacle course races!

I want my own place, my own area, strangely enough the main thing I think I want is alone time. Living in a house with 6 other adults and 8 dogs, you are never really alone.  Whereas before I worked with people and then had my "me" time at the gym before I came home to my mother, now I work with people and then see family before working out with family, coming home again to family and restarting the whole thing the next day. I love family don't get me wrong, but I never get any time to myself, a time to just enjoy the quietness with my Lord, gather my thoughts. 

Anyways, praying to Him this morning...contemplating all this and laying it all finally down at His feet for the upteenth time, wondering if I'd hear anything from Him or just feel like I was talking out to dead air...I heard this: 

20 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us

in context it is: 

11 According to the eternal purpose which he purposed in Christ Jesus our Lord:

12 In whom we have boldness and access with confidence by the faith of him.

13 Wherefore I desire that ye faint not at my tribulations for you, which is your glory.

14 For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

15 Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,

16 That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man;

17 That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,

18 May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;

19 And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.

20 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,

21 Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.

Ephesians 3:11-21 KJV

How awesome is that? Gotta love when He answers so quickly. I had totally forgot I was listening to my bible CD on the way to work (which I do every morning generally).  I really needed this today, I needed this this year.  I am not sure what His plans are for me, or when any of them will take place, but I do know that He will come through. 

"The fear of the wicked, it shall come upon him: but the desire of the righteous shall be granted ." Proverbs 10:24 KJV.  

I will not let fear work through me. I will not give in to depression or any negativity.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him." Psalm 28:7 KJV

Comfort for my Soul

I look to you my God, for all that I am. For my worth, you take my shame, for my hope, you take my fears. You hold my heart and guide my soul.

Oh how I long for your embrace, your touch each day. Seeking your face each moment with each breath I take. Hold me oh my Father, place your cheek against mine, rest your heavenly face atop mine as I hide myself in all of you.  Your warmth resonating within me and dripping out between each finger and toe.  As I type I know you are looking upon me smiling.

Thank you for all that you are, thank you for all that you put into making me, and thank you for who you will help me to become.  May I bring honor and glory to your name.

ablaze

Looking over some of my old blog posts, trying to find one for a friend got me rereading a few, these in particular

BeYOUtiful

The Embrace

It's amazing how although written so long ago, it can really speak to me even now.  I realize despite all my efforts I'm still battling the same self disapproval...but I still hold the same hope :) I can see how I've grown from then till now and look over some of my walk with the Lord.

I've really recently been wanting to start back on my morning studies with the Lord, and now after meeting some wonderful fitness-minded Christians I really want to work again on improving my health. While my trip to Florida was amazing and blessed, I ate so much crap I've really and how that effects my body.  While I do believe in balance and moderation, I think I need to gain some moderation again.  So I will be trying to eat healthy again, getting back into shape and treating my temple with the respect it deserves.  Cause it's more then a bunch of crap I plop on the scale and get annoyed at once in awhile, it's me.  It's His temple and artwork...while I won't go into writing all that again, It's amazing how the passions of others can ignite you the embers of a fire that once burned so much more fierce!

Just wait, one day maybe I will be a fitness model, or at least one day I'll be able to achieve every obstacle during a race. 

Maybe one day I will look in the mirror and not find one single thing wrong with myself.

Naked Ugliness, continued...

It is very weird to be inspired to draw something like this while at church, when the pastor is preaching about Christ's goodness and power in Revelation...but God has his own timing on things...

now I warn you that I've not drawn in over 7 years, and I only have a middle school art education but here it is. It is titled The Embrace although it is my version of what I wrote about in a previous post.

How much I cannot wait to open up to someone, for someone to see my ugly side and accept it willingly. It's hard for me to believe that someone ever will truly accept me for all of me. It's easy to say but when it comes down to it, will my ugly side be acceptable? Or maybe it's my inability to accept my ugly side myself which makes me think this...and maybe the day I finally find that person who does, it will help me be able to accept my ugliness for myself. 

Coming downOne love, two mouthsOne love, one houseNo shirt, no blouseJust us, you find out

Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no, no, no 

This verse also does bring my desire to stand with someone, bearing all physically and feel their warmth against mine...hey I am a person!  It's not something I was going to put but to be totally open I will.  The idea of one day having the warmth of someone else's skin against mine, chest to chest, excites me.  Being someone who is always cold, getting warm and being embraced by something other then a hoodie or blanket sounds awesome.

 I'm not sure how much I like this, but it's a step toward something...I'm hoping God will inspire me further and perhaps I can develop my passion more. It is very hard for me to post this, publicly, it is like opening a very intimate secret part of myself for everyone but I am anyways, at least on here.

Yup

I've decided until God deems fit to prove otherwise, that all men suck.

Thank you.

Naked Ugliness

 This was a texting conversation I had with a guy friend two nights ago.  I wish sometimes I really could replace my mirrors and see myself the way others do, see what they see. While I'm growing more content with myself, gorgeous is not something I see.

Is this because of how I see myself physically alone or do my issues with myself inside reveal themselves on how I see myself from the outside also?  I know I'm a perfectionist but how far does that desire for the unobtainable and drive for self improvement affect me and my self perception.

"Sweater Weather"

All I am is a man

I want the world in my hands

I hate the beach

But I stand

In California with my toes in the sand

Use the sleeves of my sweater

Let's have an adventure

Head in the clouds but my gravity's centered

Touch my neck and I'll touch yours

You in those little high-waisted shorts, oh

She knows what I think about

And what I think about

One love, two mouths

One love, one house

No shirt, no blouse

Just us, you find out

Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no

'Cause it's too cold

For you here and now

So let me hold

Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

And if I may just take your breath away

I don't mind if there's not much to say

Sometimes the silence guides our minds

So move to a place so far away

The goose bumps start to raise

The minute that my left hand meets your waist

And then I watch your face

Put my finger on your tongue

'Cause you love to taste, yeah

These hearts adore

Everyone the other beats hardest for

Inside this place is warm

Outside it starts to pour

Coming down

One love, two mouths

One love, one house

No shirt, no blouse

Just us, you find out

Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no, no, no

[2x]

'Cause it's too cold

For you here and now

So let me hold

Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

Whoa, whoa...

Whoa, whoa... whoa

Whoa, whoa... [2x]

'Cause it's too cold

For you here and now

So let me hold

Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

It's too cold

For you here and now

Let me hold

Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

It's too cold,

It's too cold

The holes of my sweater...

So for some reason I keep getting this song stuck in my head, which I like the song so I don't mind, but the verse that keeps repeating in my mind got me thinking today:

Coming down
One love, two mouths
One love, one house
No shirt, no blouse
Just us, you find out
Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no, no, no

How much I cannot wait to open up to someone, for someone to see my ugly side and accept it willingly. It's hard for me to believe that someone ever will truly accept me for all of me. It's easy to say but when it comes down to it, will my ugly side be acceptable? Or maybe it's my inability to accept my ugly side myself which makes me think this...and maybe the day I finally find that person who does, it will help me be able to accept my ugliness for myself.

This verse also does bring my desire to stand with someone, bearing all physically and feel their warmth against mine...hey I am a person!  It's not something I was going to put but to be totally open I will.  The idea of one day having the warmth of someone else's skin against mine, chest to chest, excites me.  Being someone who is always cold, getting warm and being embraced by something other then a hoodie or blanket sounds awesome.

Running in Heavenly Fog

Running today, the beauty of autumn still lingers as winter begins to take hold.

The Holy Spirit begins to settle all around me as a fog, I run towards it and He fills my lungs. As I breathe Him in He revitalizes me. Filling my lungs with each breath, releasing all the negative events of late.

One little tear at a time, the Lord begins to cry, cry for all those hurt and hurting, cry for the unfathomable love He feels for each and every one of us as He walks with us every moment of every day. He helps me release and all of the sudden I take off. Running faster and faster...all my emotions out, my fears out, my sorrow, running myself out so I can let more of Him in.

I run as fast as I can till I have nothing left.  Then the rain changes, from tear drops of understanding to his baptism. With every drop I am reborn in His image.  Recreated within His love. I feel a bond with all the nature around me, I become one with all of His creation. We running with Him....and I feel empowered!

Now I run quickly again, but not because of running away, not to empty my spirit but to fill it!  I can't get enough of His presence. I want more of Him, bless me oh Lord, BLESS ME.

Fog lies before me again and as my body tires I push myself toward it, I need to reach it. To feel His embrace once more and as I finally approach it I feel an intense love for me, one I don't understand.  One I don't deserve but gladly accept.

I finish my run with a new rejuvenated focus on my Heavenly Father and a greater connection with nature.  I needed this and praise the Lord for those in my life who understand this bond, and help motivate me to move beyond my fears of failure, of others hurting me, and most of all my fear of letting others down and what they want for me instead of worrying about letting myself down. Of figuring out what I want for me.  I realize due to my past I've created, to keep myself away from myself.

I cannot wait to rediscover who this Child of Christ really is, once she lets go of everything holding her back.