Feelings...nothing more than feelings...

*Originally written on March 14th, 2011*

I hate that I have such strong feelings, strong emotions, & a strong soul sometimes...One of the hardest things for me to do is express how I feel, I feel so much with such a passion it feels like I'm cracking into pieces...every tear is so loaded with more than any person I can imagine.  I know God doesn't give us more than we can bear, but this is such a heavy burden to carry sometimes...

so I run...like Forrest Gump I run with all I am, I harden myself, grab some sneakers and run till I'm numb or my legs won't carry me any further...why express things nobody else really is concerned or even knows exist.  Who would listen anyhoo, and why would they care to?  Part of me wonders why I'm even writing this blog.

I had planned on only running 6 miles, but you KNOW it's God when the Floyd Road Silver Comet trail light changes right when you reach it, its such a rarity, that I changed directions to my longer route and went up to 8.4 miles, but ended up running 10.5 instead.  While it wasn't enough to run away completely from myself-not even a corner really-I did connect with God by the end.

The blue sky and warmth from the sun, or for me the Son, powered me...cheered me up and on and even helped me bless others on the trail He brought along my path.  And the end, I felt heavy, but instead of it being from all the hurt and feelings and inner pain within my soul, it was heavy from the blessed weight of His unmerited favor and love, the weight of all that He is!

The more I know and experience Him the more I want to know and experience! And yet, the harder it is to really handle...I'm sure we don't even grasp an atom of the being and essence of God the Father, God the Son, or God the Holy Spirit.  At one point I almost wanted to collapse, but not from my own tears but from the glory of God upon me, it was like He was drawing me to Him, comforting me but in the act of His embrace, the closer I got the harder it was to bear the fullness of who He is...yet like a drug I still crave more!  It may overwhelm me, and the more it happens on my runs I wonder if my body will be able to handle it, but I want another hit of Christ, I want another dose but a bigger one!  Give me oh God as much as I can handle of You, and then even more!  If it kills me it would just draw me even closer to You!  And what a way to die, to die from the embrace of the LORD!

Not that I'm wanting to die or anything, just a thought.

On the way home a song came on that always reaches me, Beautiful by Mercy Me.

The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
I'm praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes
You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

A friend once posted this for me (and others) and it really does reach out to me...I just sat in the car, crying out to my Father, tears I cannot explain, for feelings I cannot explain.  My soul is tired, I'm tired of caring so much.  Wishing they would just leave me, but knowing He's given them to me for some reason and purpose I cannot fathom at this point in my life.

In all of this life, at least I'm beautiful to Him, at least I know that God desires me, loves me, understands me and accepts me just as I am, just as He created me to be. Knowing all the mistakes I would make, He loves me.  Knowing I would let Him down He loved me.  Knowing I would doubt Him, knowing my lack of faith, knowing how many times I would cry to Him over the same silly things that in the end, don't seem to matter much to anyone but me...He loved me.  He even made me to care about those silly little things...I may not be able to express my feelings, not even well to God, but I can cry with all my heart to Him, and He understands it all, the unspoken inexpressible feelings, emotions, the pain, the tears...He strengthens my Spirit and through it-my soul is nourished

and I carry on.

Through Him, and by Him and Him alone...despite He's lack of answers He has for my pain-filled questions, He carries me on with a joy amidst the storm of my life.  For the joy of the Lord is my strength and stronghold in times of trouble.  We don't have to understand, in fact I think that is when we receive His true peace, is when we let go and let God...

it just took me 10.5 miles and a cry on the Lord's shoulder to get there

Proverbs Lady

*Originally written on January 7th, 2011*

A friend recently posted her goals for the new year on her blog, and while I have some, I never thought about typing them out anywhere, but since I have some free time at work I decided why the heck not.  Writing (or typing currently) is supposed to help anyhoo.

• Work on being a 'Proverbs Woman' and all that it entitles. Study this chapter more intensely and let the Lord guide me.
• Take my workout routine and make it livable, I want to live for the Lord and take care of myself for Him, not before Him.  Keep my life centered around Him, His love and plans for me...to live and have my being centered around 'being about HIS business' and I think that health and fitness are a huge component of that, and He wouldn't have given me such a passion for it if it wasn't. We are His temple, His dwelling place-we shine His light & bear His image!  He hand crafted each and every one of us and how we take care of His temple, how we show it respect (or a lack there of) shows our love and respect toward Him and His gift and sacrifice.  He has become the primary reason for and a major component of my workout routine, and I want to keep that up also, I always feel such an amazing bond with Him during my workout times, it's a time I use to reflect upon Him and absorb as much of  Him in as possible! I don't want ANYTHING to hinder that, I don't want ANYTHING before Him so I want to just recheck myself this year and make sure everything remains in the proper order!
• Also, I want to help my Mother get back into fitness. We eat crazy healthy enough, but after some injuries she's had a hard time getting back into the routine, so I am giving myself a goal to help!  She's done and does so much for me it's the least I can do! I love her so much and want her to be around a long time! She already wants to herself so I just want to help!
• I've recently gotten into sewing and I would like to continue to grow my skills at it, I hope God continues to provide people to make quilts for so my talent can blossom!  I have gotten bitten by the quilt-giving bug lol, its all my Mom's fault, thank you so much Mom!
• Start a granny square afghan, complete my 'joy' collage, & would like to get back into drawing & painting (including pottery)...and maybe if I'm lucky, scrapbook sometime this year :p
• Make a mosaic & a batik, learn to knit.
• Continue with my goal to get out of debt and complete it within the 3 years I originally planned!
• Increase my distance run by 2 miles. A friend has bugged me about not making any major fitness goals so besides the one previously mentioned...this will be it.
• Work on my handwriting, I love writing letters, but I feel for the poor soul that is reading them!  My handwriting gets pretty bad at the end, especially when I am writing about some strange thought or idea the Lord gave me, or a bible verse He showed Me I excitedly wanted to share, and my thoughts are going faster than I can comprehend, and that's way faster than I can write!  While they've never said anything, I still would like to have a handwriting that wasn't described as what a serial killers would look like.
• Don't take life too seriously, or myself!  Work on keeping joy of the Lord in every and all situations, keeping an optimistic attitude always, continuously loving and laughing, and learning to continue to see myself though His eyes!

God has really been dealing with me regarding the 'law' I set for myself and my perfectionism...how I need to let go and let God.  Embrace His sacrifice and unmerited favor, His amazing grace that saved a retch like me. Joseph Prince, in his book Unmerited Favor, has been discussing Christ's success, and that even before the 10 commandments were created, Joseph obeyed them (think on the Potiphar's wife situation).  He had the guidance, grace, and righteousness of Christ, before Moses ever created the law, Before Christ came upon the earth.  This confuses me a bit and is something I want to think on and study more intensively so I find it ironic that without trying I managed to create 10 goals...this speaks of something but what I'm not sure lol.



According to Christian Resources Today

Ten : 10 - Biblical Meaning of Number: deals with completeness that happens in a divine order or completed during a course of time. There's nothing that is left wanting within the complete cycle the number "ten" has just completed.
(In today's society this number is looked at mostly when referring to some kind of ranking or describing something that's close to perfection)