All of me matters as He holds my heart in His hands...

My feelings, emotions, and opinions are important to God my Father. What I say and feel has value and I am important to Him.

"Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?  When I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies turn back: this I know; for God is for me. In God will I praise his word: in the LORD will I praise his word. "

Psalm 56:8-10 KJV

"Behold, now I have opened my mouth, my tongue hath spoken in my mouth. My words shall be of the uprightness of my heart: and my lips shall utter knowledge clearly. The spirit of God hath made me, and the breath of the Almighty hath given me life."

Job 33:2-4 KJV

"Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer"

Psalm 19:14 KJV

"Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy."

Psalm 61:1-3 KJV

Feelings...nothing more than feelings...

*Originally written on March 14th, 2011*

I hate that I have such strong feelings, strong emotions, & a strong soul sometimes...One of the hardest things for me to do is express how I feel, I feel so much with such a passion it feels like I'm cracking into pieces...every tear is so loaded with more than any person I can imagine.  I know God doesn't give us more than we can bear, but this is such a heavy burden to carry sometimes...

so I run...like Forrest Gump I run with all I am, I harden myself, grab some sneakers and run till I'm numb or my legs won't carry me any further...why express things nobody else really is concerned or even knows exist.  Who would listen anyhoo, and why would they care to?  Part of me wonders why I'm even writing this blog.

I had planned on only running 6 miles, but you KNOW it's God when the Floyd Road Silver Comet trail light changes right when you reach it, its such a rarity, that I changed directions to my longer route and went up to 8.4 miles, but ended up running 10.5 instead.  While it wasn't enough to run away completely from myself-not even a corner really-I did connect with God by the end.

The blue sky and warmth from the sun, or for me the Son, powered me...cheered me up and on and even helped me bless others on the trail He brought along my path.  And the end, I felt heavy, but instead of it being from all the hurt and feelings and inner pain within my soul, it was heavy from the blessed weight of His unmerited favor and love, the weight of all that He is!

The more I know and experience Him the more I want to know and experience! And yet, the harder it is to really handle...I'm sure we don't even grasp an atom of the being and essence of God the Father, God the Son, or God the Holy Spirit.  At one point I almost wanted to collapse, but not from my own tears but from the glory of God upon me, it was like He was drawing me to Him, comforting me but in the act of His embrace, the closer I got the harder it was to bear the fullness of who He is...yet like a drug I still crave more!  It may overwhelm me, and the more it happens on my runs I wonder if my body will be able to handle it, but I want another hit of Christ, I want another dose but a bigger one!  Give me oh God as much as I can handle of You, and then even more!  If it kills me it would just draw me even closer to You!  And what a way to die, to die from the embrace of the LORD!

Not that I'm wanting to die or anything, just a thought.

On the way home a song came on that always reaches me, Beautiful by Mercy Me.

The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
I'm praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes
You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

A friend once posted this for me (and others) and it really does reach out to me...I just sat in the car, crying out to my Father, tears I cannot explain, for feelings I cannot explain.  My soul is tired, I'm tired of caring so much.  Wishing they would just leave me, but knowing He's given them to me for some reason and purpose I cannot fathom at this point in my life.

In all of this life, at least I'm beautiful to Him, at least I know that God desires me, loves me, understands me and accepts me just as I am, just as He created me to be. Knowing all the mistakes I would make, He loves me.  Knowing I would let Him down He loved me.  Knowing I would doubt Him, knowing my lack of faith, knowing how many times I would cry to Him over the same silly things that in the end, don't seem to matter much to anyone but me...He loved me.  He even made me to care about those silly little things...I may not be able to express my feelings, not even well to God, but I can cry with all my heart to Him, and He understands it all, the unspoken inexpressible feelings, emotions, the pain, the tears...He strengthens my Spirit and through it-my soul is nourished

and I carry on.

Through Him, and by Him and Him alone...despite He's lack of answers He has for my pain-filled questions, He carries me on with a joy amidst the storm of my life.  For the joy of the Lord is my strength and stronghold in times of trouble.  We don't have to understand, in fact I think that is when we receive His true peace, is when we let go and let God...

it just took me 10.5 miles and a cry on the Lord's shoulder to get there

God's cleansing stream is our river of life.

*Originally written on August 27th, 2010*

The few months before my father passed, while he was on hospice, they had a psychologist come over and talk to him and help him deal with some of his feelings to prepare him to take the final & grandest step of all, the step to be with our Lord & Savior.  I am starting to feel like this is what the Lord is doing to me right now, although not to take my final step, but a step to a closer walk with him.

Moses lead the Israelites out of Egypt & into the desert for there 40-year trial until they were ready for the promise land.  But before they even entered the desert, He lead them through the red sea by parting it, & then had them turn aside to Him for instructions before they even began the desert adventure.  Right now, I think I am crossing the Red sea, but instead of parting the waters on either side of me, He's letting them flow all around me, drenching me though my entire core.  Knocking down the walls I didn't even realize I had built up all to keep the waters out.

I've really had to relook at not only how I view myself & my goals, but all of it in perspective of my relationship with my heavenly Father.  Does what I'm doing really matter?  Does it edify Christ?  Is it helping blossom my walk with the Lord God Almighty?

I was listening to Joice Myers with my mother one morning and she said something that really spoke to me...she was talking about thoughts and whining and the such, using herself as an example, & said that one time while whining to God (I'm paraphrasing) He said to her 'you have asked a lot of me, now do you want it or not?'  How many times do we ask God for things, but when He tries to shape and prepare us for the blessing, we decide its not worth it?

By letting God chastise us, were growing closer to him. By accepting His blessings we are building our relationship with Him, & our love grows all the more.  But whenever we reject a blessing because we don't want the struggle, we are in a way rejecting God...were saying that we really don't want a closer relationship with you thanks anyway, your just not worth the struggle.  We cannot even fathom everything God the Father & Christ went through to save us through the cross, all because we were worth it to him, but after all that, we have the nerve to tell Him he's not?

I'm not just going to let God break down my walls, I want to help!  I want anything I can do to get closer to Him. I found I put so much importance on trivial things-running, health, food, physical relationships & intimacy, money & finances, job, an education-but really the only thing that truly matters, the only thing really worth fighting for is God.  I will step out of the boat for Him, I will tear down the walls of false protection and let his clensing stream wash over me...so I can have rivers of life flow through me and lead me on to life everlasting with Him