Psalm 139 eyes.

It's funny how some of the smallest things stick with you. A small favor or act, gesture, comments, or questions.

The first thing that my Georgia team workout decided to hold was a Stone Mountain Laser Show

It was such an amazing time!  During our time together at the top, I was asked a question that has stuck with me. 

We were discussing my raynaud's phenomenon when David (mentioned in my last post) thinks this has something to do with my low blood pressure. It tends to be about 96 and when it gets in the 100's I kinda get freaked a bit. I like my blood pressure low, like everything.  I like a low weight, body fat %...and in the midst of all this another friend, who really understands me when it comes to my issues, asked me, 

Why was a low weight, low numbers, so important to me.

Honestly I had to think cause I'm still not really sure, but here's my best attempt for an answer.

I've always liked numbers, I was good at math as a child it came naturally to me really.Addition and subtraction, multiplication, division, fractions, less than, more than, or equal to. They know there place, and they are unchanging, unwavering.  I however haven't always liked myself, I have rarely liked myself really. I'm a perfectionist who feels she's never as good as she wants herself to be. I do the one major no-no and compare myself to people with this killer workout and diet and me, struggling. Mind you we are in two very different places, they oftentimes have lives where it's not as much of a problem, living alone and financially able while I try to balance my healthy lifestyle at home while living with all my family and keep them from getting offended while being totally broke. Do I factor that in when I feel like I've failed, do I count my attempts? No, I failed and in the end, excuses and reasoning doesn't matter I didn't do what I should. This feeling of not meeting my own standards turns into standards I feel everyone else holds to me also, whether they do or not. Mix that with all the years I've been made fun of as a child, and I guess I've learned to not appreciate myself as much as I should. 

That turns into the basic factor that less of me must be a good thing.

Being that I've not dated much, and I've not been in any real long term relationships, subconsciously I've gotten to where I figure it must be me, so then again, less of me may be more appealing then more of me.  

I've always wanted to be this little, petite, girly girl. The one you see looking up at the guy, kissing him on, her toes.  I want to be little enough that I can run and leap randomly on a guy and he'll be able to hold me up. I want to be enveloped by him, covered. Why? Not sure, I guess I feel safer and protected that way. Here again, I'm really into the small thing, my favorite actress for instance is Audrey Hepburn, not that I will ever be as small as her, I find her beautiful on the inside and out. Maybe that's partly why I feel the way I do.

What's amazing about her is that it's not that she loved being small, but she embracd herself in a time when being small wasn't popular. She took what society said wasn't beautiful and dressed it up and believed it was anyways.

 It's something I'm working on.  While I've improved on my number obsession, and I've learned to love me (I like me more currently then I have previously in all of my life) but it is still a process, I've spent many years putting too much importance on the "less is more" concept and it's not something I can mentally just turn off. But we are all a work in progress, and this is just my own and with Christ's help I'll begin to see myself through Psalm 139 eyes.

Be Your Own Kind Of Beautiful, His Kind Of Beautiful

 

Psalm 139

King James Version (KJV)

Psalm 139

 ¹O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
 ²Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
 ³Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
 ⁴For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.

 ⁵Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
 ⁶Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
 ⁷Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
 ⁸If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
 ⁹If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
 ¹⁰Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
 ¹¹If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
 ¹²Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
 ¹³For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.
 ¹⁴I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
 ¹⁵My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
 ¹⁶Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
 ¹⁷How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
 ¹⁸If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
 ¹⁹Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.
 ²⁰For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.
 ²¹Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?
 ²²I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.
 ²³Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
 ²⁴And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Something quick that's been on my mind...I've been thinking about and talking with  my mother about the beauty of nature & she made a comment about if the world so beautiful  now just imagine what it will be like in heaven.   I realized how  unique & beautiful we are....if nature is that amazing, and when we see angels we think how beautiful they are & yet we were made in the image of God!  How awesome is that!  

Right now, after the holidays & the weight-gain associated with it, all the junk I've ate and how much I feel icky, ugly, fat, & gross. No matter how many people have told me they think I'm beautiful, or look a lot better it's just hard to see it myself.  So when this came to mind, I'd like to think that it was my heavenly Father reminding me.

Joyce's Confident Women Devotional I started this year talked about a verse in this Psalm (my favorite Psalm by-the-way) & how we are unique; that no talent we have increases our value or a talent we don't have decreases it.  With my battle at finding my self-worth & not giving in to my feelings at the start of this year, this was a nice reminder.

 

I'm about to start a fast on sweets &  portion sizes & I think my focus may be to begin my 'things I'm thankful for journal' this time with at least one thing I'm thankful for each night.  Also I'm sure that when I start eating healthy again it will help me feel better about myself because honestly when you take care of yourself & eat healthy, you feel better & more confident. You should love God enough to take care of the hand-crafted, personal, & unique image of Himself He gave you & ONLY you.

Me on Purpose

 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;^[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
Psalm 139: 13-16 KJV

I was prethought out, hand crafted, unique, designed and formed.  Each feature and aspect of me and my body were shaped softly by the very hands of my God that way on purpose.



My Mosaic

^"O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.

 Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.

 Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.

 For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether...

My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

 Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them. "

Psalm 139: 1-4, 15-16 KJV

I am a mosaic, a collection of broken pieces of glass that He brought together to make into the unique artwork that became me.

Hand-crafted along with my imperfections and shortcomings, for it is in those that I find true perfection, acceptance, and love through the grace of Christ Jesus.

"And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. "

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 KJV

Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof." 

Proverbs 18:21 KJV

Today I began a fast, its a small one but still I feel the Lord guiding me.  I know I tend to be a bit on the pessimistic side of things in regards to myself, others can reach for the stars but all I feel I'm able to accomplish is helping to push them up to reach them. But in giving up sweets these 21 days I will replace them with the sweet fruit of my own lips...each day I will speak a positive statement about myself that counters a negative one I've made or thought of far too often in the past, along with scripture and a photo.

So today it starts.

I am beautiful in the eyes of my heavenly Father the most High God. 

"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well."

Psalm 139:14

"Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes. ...As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters"

Song of Solomon 1:15 & 2:2

Amazing Love, How Can it be?

*Originally written on Sunday, April 3rd, 2011*

 

Psalm 139 (KJV)

 ¹O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.

 ²Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.

 ³Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.

 ⁴For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.

 ⁵Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.

 ⁶Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.

 ⁷Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?

 ⁸If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

 ⁹If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;

 ¹⁰Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.

 ¹¹If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.

 ¹²Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

 ¹³For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.

 ¹⁴I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

 ¹⁵My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

 ¹⁶Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

 ¹⁷How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!

 ¹⁸If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.

 ¹⁹Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.

 ²⁰For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.

 ²¹Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?

 ²²I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.

 ²³Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

 ²⁴And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

 This has to be my favorite psalm, I will look at the others and love them but everytime I read this one, it just reaches in and speaks to me in a way I don’t understand and cannot explain.  I guess its one of those personal things between God and me.  I think its because I feel that I understand the way David felt when he wrote this. I cannot begin to fathom Him thinking of me, especially that much.  I cannot imagine that He loved me enough to write an entire book of just what He planned on accomplishing through me, who He wanted to bless through me.  He wrote about our relationship, His amazing love for me, and every word hand written by Him was written with Christ’s blood redeeming me, allowing me to be held in God’s arms, wrapped in His amazing unsearchable love!  

Picture this, God sitting with a book of blank pages before Him, as He takes His finger and gently places it upon the page. 

And He starts to write…   

As He writes the first few letters, then a word or two, and it begins…

Excitement starts to shine from His face just thinking of you, just you as you are, just as he made you,  good and bad…

Love flows as Christ’s blood forms words, words of Your future through Christ that your heavenly Father plans for you! Just for you, only for you. He ends the book with a single tear of love falling upon the page, blending with the blood and forming His signature.

As I finished my study this morning, ending with just looking over this Psalm, soaking it in, I folded myself upon my bed and layed all before Him.  And I just loved Him.  I can’t offer Him anything, do anything for Him, all I can do honestly is LOVE Him and allow Him to use me, work through me.  I want to be a dry sponge and absorb as much of God as I can!  I want to drip of His being so others can experience at least a taste of who I have loving me, thinking of me nonstop, watching over me.

“ ⁹Thou whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, and called thee from the chief men thereof, and said unto thee, Thou art my servant; I have chosen thee, and not cast thee away. ¹⁰Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”     Isaiah 41:9-10

 Just laying before Him, letting Him have me, being silent and thinking of all the aspects of God my physical mind will allow…there is just something about it.  As I slowly, grudgingly, began to rise I saw the Sun shine brilliantly through my window, through my bamboo blinds, stronger than ever before.  His love shone through my room and touched me…warmed me…let me know that although I am not seeking His presence, His presence is still there, loving me no matter what, and always will be…

“For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
         The LORD will give grace and glory;
         No good thing will He withhold
         From those who walk uprightly.”

Psalm 84:10-12 (NKJV)

^~

^“2 Blessed be the name of the LORD
         From this time forth and forevermore!
 ³ From the rising of the sun to its going down
         The LORD’s name is to be praised.
 ⁴ The LORD is high above all nations,
         His glory above the heavens.”

Psalm  113:2-4 (NKJV)

~

“² Praise Him, all His angels;
         Praise Him, all His hosts!
 ³ Praise Him, sun and moon;
         Praise Him, all you stars of light!
 ⁴ Praise Him, you heavens of heavens,
         And you waters above the heavens!”

Psalm 142:2-4 (NKJV)

~

“But the path of the just is like the shining sun,
      That shines ever brighter unto the perfect day.”

Proverbs 4:18 (NKJV)

His will & His perspective

*Originally written on December 23rd, 2010*

Sorry, I know its been awhile but I've returned!  I went for a run outside today in the beautiful, crisp, cold, December weather!  It was awesome, no music needed as I spent some very important & missed quiet personal time with God :)  As I ran, He reminded me about running with Him, not thinking of anybody else, what they were thinking, not who was competing with me, not how fast I could go, not how far-just Him.  Being with Him, running with Him, for Him, running towards Him, my running being about Him, being surrounded in Him, through Him.  It wasn't about what divine message He would reveal to me (which honestly was what I was expecting since its Christmas week & all) it was just about HIM.  I AM, my personal Father, Prince of Peace, mighty Councilor, my Friend, my Savior, my God, my All.  I suddenly became aware that I am nothing without Him, all that I am is involved with Him.  He is in my heart, His cleansing blood pumping through my heart into my veins & throughout my body, keeping me warm & moving.

My love for giving to others is only there because of His presence in my life, my love for health, for art, for expression is His loves showing though me.  He gave the ultimate gift. Himself. And more-so, in the fact that He didn't give because of any repercussions if He didn't, He gave all of Himself, His life, His being, His place beside the Father in heaven & did the ultimate gift of even separating Himself from His Father-something He'd never been through before, just for me, just for us, just because.  That is a true gift from the heart. It is what our gifts strive for but will never measure up to.

Why?  That's what comes to mind.  As king David said who am I, God, that You are mindful of me.  Why do you care?  Sometimes I really wonder how the Lord can have so much faith in me, and if I've made Him proud more than I've let Him down.

As I finished up my run and began to stretch I overheard two gentlemen talking, I'm not sure about what really-but one of the gentlemen said stood out to me...that God said that He revealed His will to Him, not His perspective.

How simple of a concept and yet how deep and complex!  Moses was probably closer to God than any man was and yet, he never knew God's perspective, only His will.

Isaiah 55: 8-13
⁸ “ For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
      Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.
       ⁹ “ For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
      So are My ways higher than your ways,
      And My thoughts than your thoughts.
       ¹⁰ “ For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven,
      And do not return there,
      But water the earth,
      And make it bring forth and bud,
      That it may give seed to the sower
      And bread to the eater,
       ¹¹ So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
      It shall not return to Me void,
      But it shall accomplish what I please,
      And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
       ¹² “ For you shall go out with joy,
      And be led out with peace;
      The mountains and the hills
      Shall break forth into singing before you,
      And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
       ¹³ Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree,
      And instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree;
      And it shall be to the LORD for a name,
      For an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

We cannot and will never be able to comprehend His ways, for we will never see from His perspective. Nor do we need to try to, all we are called to do is focus on His will for our lives

Psalm 139:14-18
¹⁴ I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;^[b]
         Marvelous are Your works,
         And that my soul knows very well.
 ¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from You,
         When I was made in secret,
         And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
 ¹⁶ Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
         And in Your book they all were written,
         The days fashioned for me,
         When as yet there were none of them.
        
 ¹⁷ How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
         How great is the sum of them!
 ¹⁸ If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
         When I awake, I am still with You.

I will never see myself within the beauty that the Lord does, only He knows my full potential and all I can do is with His help try to achieve His will He reveals to me.  To fulfill His plans-His book just about me.  I'll never be able to fully comprehend all the many thoughts God has about me, or even honestly why He chooses to think of me as much as He does.  I am just thankful that for whatever reason He has, He feels I'm important enough for Him to consider and that's enough for me!

As long as I keep my eye on the prize. Not on my running partners, not on my opponents, not on my surroundings, not on my traps and trails, not on the obstacles in my way...as long as I don't focus on the fiery furnace that I'm in, not on how hot it is, not on who's standing around watching and waiting for the flames to engulf me, hoping they will and stay focused on the Him, then He will pull me though. Then will I be given the power to finish the race.  Just keep my reverential fear of the Lord, realizing that He is so far above me, and yet, loves me anyhoo.  Remember that I am in His hand, and while He has the power to squish me into paste-He doesn't. He just gently holds me, guides me, and protects me from others and most importantly-from myself.

Malachi 3:16-18
¹⁶ Then those who feared the LORD spoke to one another,
      And the LORD listened and heard them;
      So a book of remembrance was written before Him
      For those who fear the LORD
      And who meditate on His name.
       ¹⁷ “ They shall be Mine,” says the LORD of hosts,
      “ On the day that I make them My jewels.^[a]
      And I will spare them
      As a man spares his own son who serves him.”
       ¹⁸ Then you shall again discern
      Between the righteous and the wicked,
      Between one who serves God
      And one who does not serve Him.

Gotta love God, and those He brings along the way to speak to you!  Just think, if that gentlemen didn't decide to go walk on the trail at the time he did, and if I decided to not run when I did, or go farther like I wanted to, or go shorter... if he didn't decide to share with his friend the message God revealed to him, this blog might not have ever happened!  His revelation never would have come!  Oh the glory of being in nature and among other believers!   Lord give me the strength, wisdom,  and revelation to achieve Your will!  Whatever plans you have, let me achieve it.  How much I love you Lord, I cannot fathom!  For my love for You reaches within the depths of my heart and being that only You can  fully grasp and understand...and yet, my love for You doesn't even come close to comparing to the love You have for me!