Reflection

"Celebrate your uniqueness and rejoice in the future God has planed for you. Be confident and start enjoying you!" Joyce Myers from The Confident Women Devotional

So while at the gym today I watched the new show The Revolution, and the style dude made a challenge for everyone to find a trait they like about themselves and dress to show it off all week.

So while watching the rest of the show I tried to think of what I thought my best asset was...then I continued this pondering while running errands with my mother, before my bath while staring at myself naked, and afterwards, in my pjs....then came to the conclusion that I cannot think of a single cotton-pickin' thing.

Staring into the mirror, it's not that I think myself unattractive necessarily, I just can't seem to see it currently.  I know that what is being reflected from the mirror isn't my actual appearance because it differs depending upon who is observing it. All that is being revealed is the person I see myself as within my own mind.

While I know logically there probably is something, I don't feel it right now.  I know logically that I'm not fat or huge, I know logically one cannot feel fat, you either are or aren't-that doesn't stop me from feeling it. 

I feel fat, I feel ugly...so sue me.  I'm not going to lie just because it's illogical; since when did a women's feelings EVER become logical in the first place? The words don't mix.

I would probably drive Spock insane.

The difference is that just because I feel fat and ugly, doesn't mean I think on it, or focus on it.  I acknowledge that is how I feel because I don't see the point in lying about it, but I also acknowledge that the feelings are probably to most untrue and choose to think on other things.

It's hard to 'celebrate my uniqueness' when I don't honestly feel that unique (yes those pesky feelings again I know) I guess I'm not that confident. My mind replays all the classic good christian responses.

"God doesn't make junk (or trash)"
"I was beautifully and wonderfully made"
"I was made in God's image, carefully hand-formed"
Psalm 139
"Pray for God to reveal your talents"
"You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength"
"You're good at lots of things..."

I myself have said these to others struggling, and yet when thinking them to myself, find very little comfort or warmth. I have wrote blogs on what I like about myself but cant seem to connect to them currently.  So what to do?  I shave my legs, put a small, but loose, tee and my little red shorts. TELL myself in my head, "no matter what you think, what you feel-you know you are beautiful, and deserve to be treated with love and respect. You are a nice person, and should therefore be nice to yourself, regardless of your feelings at the moment. You have a purpose, through Christ Jesus"

"Even if you are finding difficulty loving yourself, you are still loved. You will always be loved by and for Him, regardless"

After that, I busy myself with chores of the night and good conversation. Write a basically pointless venting blog, and decide to write a letter to my friend.