Trust and Thorns

It's sad when you lose trust in someone, especially when it's someone you care about...but what about when it's yourself?

I've been talking with someone everyday for almost a month now (the small highlights of my day honestly) and something he's helped me realize is how little trust I have in myself.

For instance, on losing weight...I can't trust myself to lose weight on my own judgement since the last time I did that I lost so much weight I almost lost my job and had to find a counselor or someone at work to talk to. That would be how I met one of my best pals ever, my brother-in-Christ Russell.  But I also have a fear of trusting myself to just eat like I want cause I don't trust myself to stop eating when I should. 

Another I've just recently realized is my passionate side. I find I am a VERY passionate person, to the point I don't trust myself with them, at all. I tend to tie them up, lock them, and hide them somewhere deep inside. Either out of insecurities, or I think just fear of what I would do if I were to let go. I also hide them with my perfectionism, striving to be perfect at not giving in, not letting myself out of my box. but what happens if I want out? When I do finally meet that God-given person, how do I let them in, how do I let my reins loose?  When I get married, how on earth do I plan to ever make love when I'm scared to let myself touch them, when I'm scared to be touched...How do I get myself to let go of all my constraints and take down all the walls I've built?

This is why I don't draw anymore I think, I drew things I was passionate about, but over the years I've locked them so tight I can't get myself to be inspired to draw anything anymore.

How do I earn my own trust back?

(So I guess maybe this is why I'm not the best at swimming either lol)

How do I stop fearing myself, fearing my passionate side...and most of all, how do I let someone else see the real me, feel the real me. Especially when I'm not even sure who the real me is anymore.

All things cannot be fixed without realizing they need to be so I find it a blessing that I've at least grown to a point I see this. My focus has changed from being consumed over a number on a scale and body fat percentage to my inner workings (at least partly changed-my weight still bugs me). It's the reason I love the quote I posted on Facebook today so much.

"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses." Alphonse Karr (French novelist)

Sometimes it takes hurt and sometimes you will bleed to get the perfect rose.  Now I've got to choose which part of me will I let win, the thorn or the flower.

Life at the Top of the Tower

I've learned that I have a LOT of people protecting me.

I've been set up with a few gentlemen recently and all the different people in my life have something they generally are looking for to gauge whether or not they are worthy.

From opening and closing my doors,  driving to meet me, introducing themselves to the family, and so many more I'm sure I'm not thinking of right now.

I've waited for the right guy for so long and my mother has always talked about the amazing person God was going to bring me because I've given myself to Him first and foremost and I've left the choice up to him, that high expectations have arisen. Others just say I'm too trusting, innocent/naive, sweet (and thanks btw), or that I get attached too easily to be left to myself.  I guess for whatever reason I need to be protected. 

The biggest person who has stepped up on this honestly is one of my brother-in-laws. I have always considered him like a big brother, but through this process he has been the hardest to get to like anyone.  He's very picky and even has to approve of what I wear...but as annoying as this can be, it's nice to know I'm so loved.

I sort of feel like one of those princesses in a tower, with all the different obstacles hindering princes everywhere from even wanting to attempt to rescue me.  I'm just not worth the trouble to most.

So will there ever be a prince that will find me worth the fight?  Is there really a Prince Charming in my future?  Sometimes its not about how cute, strong, or charming you can be but about the heart and passion.

I'm a virgin of 28 years and going, and there have been many times along the path that I've thought of giving up on him...throwing in the towel to the whole idea and just start saving my money for cats, but my faith and family have helped me to stay strong.

The fear of the wicked, it shall come upon him: but the desire of the righteous shall be granted.

Proverbs 10:24.  KJV

He is out there and he will come, one day.



On a side note, here are some tips for anyone thinking of trying to be a girls prince charming, at least for a girl like myself.

• Don't brag about women at the bar who wanted you or were hitting on you, especially if they were married
• Don't try to talk to me about what you are NOT wearing while we are on the phone, I am not impressed.
• Open doors, be a gentlemen
• Come to my house and pick me up on the first date, don't make me drive a gazillion miles cause you don't feel like driving them.
• Text or call on your own. Don't make me always have to contact you first. This applies to friendships as well as dating, they work both ways. I've lost a good friend just by waiting for her to contact me.
• Be yourself

and for all guys, don't stare at me while I do dead lifts, or anything else that required bending...that's an extra for you at no charge.

Crazy Cats & Turkeys

It's been awhile, sorry about that.

I finally ran on the trail the other day, only 6 miles but it was nice to be back there, even for a moment, with just God and nature.

First it was how I was going to be meeting my husband soon, and now it's how amazing I look-God has been really trying to get messages through to me. No matter how I try I cannot seem to get this recent weight gain off, so I've decided to try and accept it, and just be healthy instead.  Not easy for someone like myself especially since it's the heaviest I've weighed in years and years. Fears of being my old overweight self come flooding to my memory still, and it's a continuous battle to fight them off. Could I be happy at this weight, sure probably but the real question is will I let myself?  After that the fact that I'm now 28 it was really hitting home that I'm 2 years from 30 and still single as ever.  It took a bit for me to become comfortable with it, but I think I'm alright now. Not only the little love messages from God, but just finally not caring and enjoying my life either way. As much as I do want someone, I will be totally happy at this point being all on my own for the rest of my life, although I may need to start my cat collection soon, no old maid is complete without one.

Why do I let my weight effect me so much?  Why cannot I get past this?  Who knows, but being a female in today's society I guess it's a battle that I will be fighting until the Lord returns. On that note, a friend posted a really great article about cellulite:

Cellulite: It’s Time We All Just Get the Hell Over It

For any (and every honestly) lady out there, I think this is a good read and really helps put your self evaluations back in the real world, a world where women have cellulite, no matter the size.


In other news, I've wanted to order a new book and have a (free) phone consultation with a new doctor from FloLiving. The book is called Women Code, by Alisa Vitti. A Friend recommended her and she's a holistic doctor so we shall see how this goes!

Also I signed myself, my friend Chelsi, and sister Christina up for the Gobblejog 10k this year!  W00t w00t! Hopefully Tina can get herself back into running mode, but either way it'll be a fun way to start Thanksgiving. This will be Chelsi's first 10k, & since I was there for her first 5k I'm glad I get to be a part of it.

And to end on a happy note, my bff Marie is pregnant again!!! So excited!!!  She has the cutest little girl in all the world.

 

Little things, little thoughts

It is amazing how some of the simplest things can help you're self esteem and make you feel beautiful.

I recently went to Panama City with a friend for a christian teaching seminar (to keep her company) for the A Beka Program. The seminar itself was in Pensacola Florida but we decided to stop in Panama for the weekend before and after to hit the beach. So fun! Anyhoo the seminar was quite amazing, we attended the 1st grade classes since that's what she will be teaching in a few weeks and I'm so excited for her. You could really feel the love of the Lord there.

That's me and my bestie Chelsi!

Before we arrived, back in Panama I decided to pick up some quality face wash, extra make up, a couple of dresses, and some new blouses to maybe try wearing when I got back to work. It's amazing how just taking the time to take care of my skin and put on some nice makeup really helps you love yourself more. It's such a small thing but I've felt a great deal better about myself the first 3 days so rock on, the last few have been a little tougher.

We are worth it!

I'm also trying to get into eating right and better workout habits, not end up munching, skipping the gym so much, or only doing cardio. I'm only doing a little weights each time, but it's something! Once I get into healthier habits and better shape I think the joy will return.
I know this is a step that will help me get there again.

While I'm slowly working on these I've got to learn to hold my head up high and love myself regardless,which is the hardest step of all and one I've never truly passed I don't think. It's hard to really grasp with such an ambiguous nature, how does one really make a concrete attainable goal out of this?   If you've followed my blog any you've read all the different attempts I've used so far...

Lastly I'm currently working on growing spiritually. I want my relationship with the Lord to grow, to have a stronger foundation, stronger relationship, more wisdom, and more faith.  To really understand what He meant by loving the LORD with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. With passion and actions, God will attend to my cry.

I wish I could say I'm still as happy and joyous currently as I was with the simple makeup earlier this week but I'm not, I feel like I've let myself down, failed, but realization of failure is just my turning point.  I shouldn't let my weight and physical appearance affect my mood so much, but I am a work in progress, and honestly healthy living is part of who I am, so by not taking care of myself the way I should, I'm hurting myself in ways others might not understand.

Things I need to remember mentally & work on while reaching these goals:

• Not feeling like a failure every skip day
• Not comparing ANYTHING of mine to ANYONE ELSE, I am unique
•  It isn't about weight, body fat, BMI...it isn't about numbers, its about healthy living and taking care of myself
• Pay more attention to caloric quality and not just quantity.
• Smiling regardless of how I feel.

Things I need to remember nutritionally speaking:

• Don't eat so much dairy! As little as possible without obsessing
• Remember protein after workouts
• Talk to an RD student intern and get guidance 
• Cut back/out grains, as little as possible
• Eat as clean and natural as possible
• no munching
• smaller portions, no seconds!

Things I need to remember workout-wise

• always remember to push myself
• stick to an hour 6 days/week
•  remember weights!
• stretch after working out a little
• stretch routine at least on off day
• Fit in chiropractic back wellness routine sometime during the day.

The need is here, the desire is here, so just do it!

Current

 I don't try to do a lot of these, but heck why not? Here's one from a Peanut Butter Fingers blog I thought was entertaining enough to pass some time at work:

Currently

Current Book(s):
I have two I'm reading, one is titled Cosmic Codes: Hidden Messages From the Edge of Eternity, by Chuck Missler

Other then that, I'm reading over a coworkers-husband's-friend's novel called Paradise by Mark Cahill, it's alright so far, but not really my cup of tea for a fiction novel, christian or otherwise. 

Current Music:
A new alternative radio station called radio 105.7 (96.7) which I'm totally rockin' to, otherwise just Christian Contemporary really.

Current Guilty Pleasure:
Coffee, I drink way more then I should

Current Nail Color:
Natural with little old flakes of purple on my toes. Next pedicure I'm thinking bright pink, light green of some sorts, or maybe white with a cute design...who knows!
Current Drink:
Flavored Sparkling &/or carbonated water (sugar free)

Current Food:
baby carrots and fruit

Current Favorite Show:
The Big Bang Theory with my sister at the gym, otherwise Bones & Fringe! Thanks to Netflix!

Current Wish List:
$300 to go to a homeschooling certificate training thing with my friend Chelsi! Also a new mattress, and money to catch my pets up at the vet...and a new fridge cause ours is dying sadly :(

Current needs:
A haircut, pedicure

Current Indulgence:
Coconut Ice cream! 

Current Blessing:
My friends and family, and all the love God provides for me every day through them and others! Also having a car that works well seeing as two members of my family can't say that!

Current Outfit:
yoga pants & a Life University tee with sparkly flip-flops for an easy change for the gym (which I'll be heading to soon!)

Current Excitement:
The Supercon with my friend Marie and her little girl Charlotte June 1st and then a massage with my friend Chelsi Sunday!

That did it I think, off to workout with a friend! Have an awesome Memorial day weekend!

Don't Judge Me

Single

White

Female

...no I'm not a psycho chick, or being stalked by one, these are just a few of the traits people can judge me by. Along with age, physical stature, religious views, sexual preferences, clothing style, hair & eye color, etc.,

I know throughout history race has caused much pain to others not like themselves. People sharing my shade of melanin have especially so maybe this is payback, but for the first time I can remember I was judged my my skin color and gender (with a small portion of my age and physical appearance probably on the side).

I went to workout with a black ex-trainer friend at a his gym, LA Fitness, for a quick workout after work. I've worked out with him and his other buddy (also black) once before no problem.

We first met at work and upon finding out we not only share the same initials, but also last name and church,  instantaneously we became friends. That afternoon right when we were getting started some guy who worked there stopped him to talk

and they talked

I didn't want to start without him since we usually circuit machines together so after a while I went to see what he was doing, I figured he just got involved in a conversation since he is a very charismatic person...but nope.  The gentlemen talking with him looked at me funny as I approached then glancing back at him I didn't see what was going on really.

Well the guy walked away and we were going to get started but I could tell my friend was really upset. I went on to workout as he waited for what seemed like an eternity and  after talking with two different people discovered what the problem really was...

"you were working out with your buddy and that's cool but now you're working out with these white chicks" (plural entitling my sister who had just bought a membership (and closed it just as fast).

Apparently it was alright for him to workout with a black gentlemen just fine, but if it is a female and she is Caucasian that is a no-no.  He said honestly even if I was a black chick they would probably not have an issue with it since I'd either be his sister, cousin, or 'the girl on the side' but since I'm white, I cannot possibly be a workout buddy.



Needless to say I will not be joining LA Fitness anytime soon, not that all of them are that way but I'd rather not after all this.

Why is it people seem to have such a problem accepting what is different then them?  We all are entitled to have our own opinion and feelings, and I'm not saying to disregard that, but that doesn't give anyone the right to hate what isn't them. Respect the other person's right for the same.

Enjoy our differences, I remember a DC Talk song "Colored People" that keeps playing in the back of my mind...

Pardon me, your epidermis is showing, mister
I couldn't help but note your shade of melanin
I tip my hat to the colorful arrangement
Cause I see the beauty in the tones of our skin


We've gotta come together
And thank the Maker of us all

(chorus)
We're colored people, and we live in a tainted place
We're colored people, and they call us the human race
We've got a history so full of mistakes
And we are colored people who depend on a Holy Grace

[1, 1, 1, 1... 2, 2, 2, 2... 3, 3, 3, 3... 4, 4, 4, 4]

A piece of canvas is only the beginning for
It takes on character with every loving stroke
This thing of beauty is the passion of an Artist's heart
By God's design, we are a skin kaleidoscope

We've gotta come together,
Aren't we all human after all?

(repeat chorus)

Ignorance has wronged some races
And vengeance is the Lord's
If we aspire to share this space
Repentance is the cure

[1, 1, 1, 1... 2, 2, 2, 2... 3, 3, 3, 3... 4, 4, 4, 4]

Well, just a day in the shoes of a color blind man
Should make it easy for you to see
That these diverse tones do more than cover our bones
As a part of our anatomy

(repeat chorus)

We're colored people, and they call us the human race
[Oh, colored people]
We're colored people, and we all gotta share this space
[Yeah we've got to come together somehow]
We're colored people, and we live in a tainted world
[Red and yellow, black and white]
We're colored people, every man, woman, boy, and girl
[Colored people, colored people, colored people, colored people, yeah]

beauty-filled

What's beautiful? a blogger I follow recently asked that. Another wrote regarding her difficulty in not comparing and demeaning herself.  Along with friends, sisters, and so many other women out there it seems no matter how we try, loving ourselves is the hardest part for most women.

"Love others as ourselves" Matthew and Mark both mention Jesus teaching on this and while society generally puts the focus on the loving others part but that has a condition attached we all tend to look over.

love others as ourselves - others as = love ourselves

Why does this seem to be so hard?  Knowing God doesn't make junk  we heard growing up but for some reason it didn't really sink in.

So back to the original question, what's beautiful to me? How do I define beautiful?  

LOVE is beautiful, and to me nothing will be beautiful unless I view it through love. Or I have love for it...including myself.

God is love, so does that mean I automatically should find myself beautiful because I believe in Him, I'm made in His image, and have Jesus Christ residing within me? not necessarily.

Not if I don't see that love for myself.  

Not if my perfectionism gets in the way. 

Not if numbers gets in the way.

Not with a comparative, competitive nature.

Not without trusting my the strength God has given me. 

Not until I forgive and embrace myself for my imperfections.

Not unless I work towards it.

And I am, its a slow process with many failures and a filter that will take some elbow grease before I will be able to see clearly, or at least clearer.

^"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." 1 Corinthians 13:12-13 KJV

I recommend rereading 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter, but think about yourself, and how you treat yourself.