Yup

I've decided until God deems fit to prove otherwise, that all men suck.

Thank you.

Naked Ugliness

 This was a texting conversation I had with a guy friend two nights ago.  I wish sometimes I really could replace my mirrors and see myself the way others do, see what they see. While I'm growing more content with myself, gorgeous is not something I see.

Is this because of how I see myself physically alone or do my issues with myself inside reveal themselves on how I see myself from the outside also?  I know I'm a perfectionist but how far does that desire for the unobtainable and drive for self improvement affect me and my self perception.

"Sweater Weather"

All I am is a man

I want the world in my hands

I hate the beach

But I stand

In California with my toes in the sand

Use the sleeves of my sweater

Let's have an adventure

Head in the clouds but my gravity's centered

Touch my neck and I'll touch yours

You in those little high-waisted shorts, oh

She knows what I think about

And what I think about

One love, two mouths

One love, one house

No shirt, no blouse

Just us, you find out

Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no

'Cause it's too cold

For you here and now

So let me hold

Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

And if I may just take your breath away

I don't mind if there's not much to say

Sometimes the silence guides our minds

So move to a place so far away

The goose bumps start to raise

The minute that my left hand meets your waist

And then I watch your face

Put my finger on your tongue

'Cause you love to taste, yeah

These hearts adore

Everyone the other beats hardest for

Inside this place is warm

Outside it starts to pour

Coming down

One love, two mouths

One love, one house

No shirt, no blouse

Just us, you find out

Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no, no, no

[2x]

'Cause it's too cold

For you here and now

So let me hold

Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

Whoa, whoa...

Whoa, whoa... whoa

Whoa, whoa... [2x]

'Cause it's too cold

For you here and now

So let me hold

Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

It's too cold

For you here and now

Let me hold

Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

It's too cold,

It's too cold

The holes of my sweater...

So for some reason I keep getting this song stuck in my head, which I like the song so I don't mind, but the verse that keeps repeating in my mind got me thinking today:

Coming down
One love, two mouths
One love, one house
No shirt, no blouse
Just us, you find out
Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no, no, no

How much I cannot wait to open up to someone, for someone to see my ugly side and accept it willingly. It's hard for me to believe that someone ever will truly accept me for all of me. It's easy to say but when it comes down to it, will my ugly side be acceptable? Or maybe it's my inability to accept my ugly side myself which makes me think this...and maybe the day I finally find that person who does, it will help me be able to accept my ugliness for myself.

This verse also does bring my desire to stand with someone, bearing all physically and feel their warmth against mine...hey I am a person!  It's not something I was going to put but to be totally open I will.  The idea of one day having the warmth of someone else's skin against mine, chest to chest, excites me.  Being someone who is always cold, getting warm and being embraced by something other then a hoodie or blanket sounds awesome.

Running in Heavenly Fog

Running today, the beauty of autumn still lingers as winter begins to take hold.

The Holy Spirit begins to settle all around me as a fog, I run towards it and He fills my lungs. As I breathe Him in He revitalizes me. Filling my lungs with each breath, releasing all the negative events of late.

One little tear at a time, the Lord begins to cry, cry for all those hurt and hurting, cry for the unfathomable love He feels for each and every one of us as He walks with us every moment of every day. He helps me release and all of the sudden I take off. Running faster and faster...all my emotions out, my fears out, my sorrow, running myself out so I can let more of Him in.

I run as fast as I can till I have nothing left.  Then the rain changes, from tear drops of understanding to his baptism. With every drop I am reborn in His image.  Recreated within His love. I feel a bond with all the nature around me, I become one with all of His creation. We running with Him....and I feel empowered!

Now I run quickly again, but not because of running away, not to empty my spirit but to fill it!  I can't get enough of His presence. I want more of Him, bless me oh Lord, BLESS ME.

Fog lies before me again and as my body tires I push myself toward it, I need to reach it. To feel His embrace once more and as I finally approach it I feel an intense love for me, one I don't understand.  One I don't deserve but gladly accept.

I finish my run with a new rejuvenated focus on my Heavenly Father and a greater connection with nature.  I needed this and praise the Lord for those in my life who understand this bond, and help motivate me to move beyond my fears of failure, of others hurting me, and most of all my fear of letting others down and what they want for me instead of worrying about letting myself down. Of figuring out what I want for me.  I realize due to my past I've created, to keep myself away from myself.

I cannot wait to rediscover who this Child of Christ really is, once she lets go of everything holding her back.

Trust and Thorns

It's sad when you lose trust in someone, especially when it's someone you care about...but what about when it's yourself?

I've been talking with someone everyday for almost a month now (the small highlights of my day honestly) and something he's helped me realize is how little trust I have in myself.

For instance, on losing weight...I can't trust myself to lose weight on my own judgement since the last time I did that I lost so much weight I almost lost my job and had to find a counselor or someone at work to talk to. That would be how I met one of my best pals ever, my brother-in-Christ Russell.  But I also have a fear of trusting myself to just eat like I want cause I don't trust myself to stop eating when I should. 

Another I've just recently realized is my passionate side. I find I am a VERY passionate person, to the point I don't trust myself with them, at all. I tend to tie them up, lock them, and hide them somewhere deep inside. Either out of insecurities, or I think just fear of what I would do if I were to let go. I also hide them with my perfectionism, striving to be perfect at not giving in, not letting myself out of my box. but what happens if I want out? When I do finally meet that God-given person, how do I let them in, how do I let my reins loose?  When I get married, how on earth do I plan to ever make love when I'm scared to let myself touch them, when I'm scared to be touched...How do I get myself to let go of all my constraints and take down all the walls I've built?

This is why I don't draw anymore I think, I drew things I was passionate about, but over the years I've locked them so tight I can't get myself to be inspired to draw anything anymore.

How do I earn my own trust back?

(So I guess maybe this is why I'm not the best at swimming either lol)

How do I stop fearing myself, fearing my passionate side...and most of all, how do I let someone else see the real me, feel the real me. Especially when I'm not even sure who the real me is anymore.

All things cannot be fixed without realizing they need to be so I find it a blessing that I've at least grown to a point I see this. My focus has changed from being consumed over a number on a scale and body fat percentage to my inner workings (at least partly changed-my weight still bugs me). It's the reason I love the quote I posted on Facebook today so much.

"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses." Alphonse Karr (French novelist)

Sometimes it takes hurt and sometimes you will bleed to get the perfect rose.  Now I've got to choose which part of me will I let win, the thorn or the flower.

Life at the Top of the Tower

I've learned that I have a LOT of people protecting me.

I've been set up with a few gentlemen recently and all the different people in my life have something they generally are looking for to gauge whether or not they are worthy.

From opening and closing my doors,  driving to meet me, introducing themselves to the family, and so many more I'm sure I'm not thinking of right now.

I've waited for the right guy for so long and my mother has always talked about the amazing person God was going to bring me because I've given myself to Him first and foremost and I've left the choice up to him, that high expectations have arisen. Others just say I'm too trusting, innocent/naive, sweet (and thanks btw), or that I get attached too easily to be left to myself.  I guess for whatever reason I need to be protected. 

The biggest person who has stepped up on this honestly is one of my brother-in-laws. I have always considered him like a big brother, but through this process he has been the hardest to get to like anyone.  He's very picky and even has to approve of what I wear...but as annoying as this can be, it's nice to know I'm so loved.

I sort of feel like one of those princesses in a tower, with all the different obstacles hindering princes everywhere from even wanting to attempt to rescue me.  I'm just not worth the trouble to most.

So will there ever be a prince that will find me worth the fight?  Is there really a Prince Charming in my future?  Sometimes its not about how cute, strong, or charming you can be but about the heart and passion.

I'm a virgin of 28 years and going, and there have been many times along the path that I've thought of giving up on him...throwing in the towel to the whole idea and just start saving my money for cats, but my faith and family have helped me to stay strong.

The fear of the wicked, it shall come upon him: but the desire of the righteous shall be granted.

Proverbs 10:24.  KJV

He is out there and he will come, one day.



On a side note, here are some tips for anyone thinking of trying to be a girls prince charming, at least for a girl like myself.

• Don't brag about women at the bar who wanted you or were hitting on you, especially if they were married
• Don't try to talk to me about what you are NOT wearing while we are on the phone, I am not impressed.
• Open doors, be a gentlemen
• Come to my house and pick me up on the first date, don't make me drive a gazillion miles cause you don't feel like driving them.
• Text or call on your own. Don't make me always have to contact you first. This applies to friendships as well as dating, they work both ways. I've lost a good friend just by waiting for her to contact me.
• Be yourself

and for all guys, don't stare at me while I do dead lifts, or anything else that required bending...that's an extra for you at no charge.

Crazy Cats & Turkeys

It's been awhile, sorry about that.

I finally ran on the trail the other day, only 6 miles but it was nice to be back there, even for a moment, with just God and nature.

First it was how I was going to be meeting my husband soon, and now it's how amazing I look-God has been really trying to get messages through to me. No matter how I try I cannot seem to get this recent weight gain off, so I've decided to try and accept it, and just be healthy instead.  Not easy for someone like myself especially since it's the heaviest I've weighed in years and years. Fears of being my old overweight self come flooding to my memory still, and it's a continuous battle to fight them off. Could I be happy at this weight, sure probably but the real question is will I let myself?  After that the fact that I'm now 28 it was really hitting home that I'm 2 years from 30 and still single as ever.  It took a bit for me to become comfortable with it, but I think I'm alright now. Not only the little love messages from God, but just finally not caring and enjoying my life either way. As much as I do want someone, I will be totally happy at this point being all on my own for the rest of my life, although I may need to start my cat collection soon, no old maid is complete without one.

Why do I let my weight effect me so much?  Why cannot I get past this?  Who knows, but being a female in today's society I guess it's a battle that I will be fighting until the Lord returns. On that note, a friend posted a really great article about cellulite:

Cellulite: It’s Time We All Just Get the Hell Over It

For any (and every honestly) lady out there, I think this is a good read and really helps put your self evaluations back in the real world, a world where women have cellulite, no matter the size.


In other news, I've wanted to order a new book and have a (free) phone consultation with a new doctor from FloLiving. The book is called Women Code, by Alisa Vitti. A Friend recommended her and she's a holistic doctor so we shall see how this goes!

Also I signed myself, my friend Chelsi, and sister Christina up for the Gobblejog 10k this year!  W00t w00t! Hopefully Tina can get herself back into running mode, but either way it'll be a fun way to start Thanksgiving. This will be Chelsi's first 10k, & since I was there for her first 5k I'm glad I get to be a part of it.

And to end on a happy note, my bff Marie is pregnant again!!! So excited!!!  She has the cutest little girl in all the world.

 

Little things, little thoughts

It is amazing how some of the simplest things can help you're self esteem and make you feel beautiful.

I recently went to Panama City with a friend for a christian teaching seminar (to keep her company) for the A Beka Program. The seminar itself was in Pensacola Florida but we decided to stop in Panama for the weekend before and after to hit the beach. So fun! Anyhoo the seminar was quite amazing, we attended the 1st grade classes since that's what she will be teaching in a few weeks and I'm so excited for her. You could really feel the love of the Lord there.

That's me and my bestie Chelsi!

Before we arrived, back in Panama I decided to pick up some quality face wash, extra make up, a couple of dresses, and some new blouses to maybe try wearing when I got back to work. It's amazing how just taking the time to take care of my skin and put on some nice makeup really helps you love yourself more. It's such a small thing but I've felt a great deal better about myself the first 3 days so rock on, the last few have been a little tougher.

We are worth it!

I'm also trying to get into eating right and better workout habits, not end up munching, skipping the gym so much, or only doing cardio. I'm only doing a little weights each time, but it's something! Once I get into healthier habits and better shape I think the joy will return.
I know this is a step that will help me get there again.

While I'm slowly working on these I've got to learn to hold my head up high and love myself regardless,which is the hardest step of all and one I've never truly passed I don't think. It's hard to really grasp with such an ambiguous nature, how does one really make a concrete attainable goal out of this?   If you've followed my blog any you've read all the different attempts I've used so far...

Lastly I'm currently working on growing spiritually. I want my relationship with the Lord to grow, to have a stronger foundation, stronger relationship, more wisdom, and more faith.  To really understand what He meant by loving the LORD with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. With passion and actions, God will attend to my cry.

I wish I could say I'm still as happy and joyous currently as I was with the simple makeup earlier this week but I'm not, I feel like I've let myself down, failed, but realization of failure is just my turning point.  I shouldn't let my weight and physical appearance affect my mood so much, but I am a work in progress, and honestly healthy living is part of who I am, so by not taking care of myself the way I should, I'm hurting myself in ways others might not understand.

Things I need to remember mentally & work on while reaching these goals:

• Not feeling like a failure every skip day
• Not comparing ANYTHING of mine to ANYONE ELSE, I am unique
•  It isn't about weight, body fat, BMI...it isn't about numbers, its about healthy living and taking care of myself
• Pay more attention to caloric quality and not just quantity.
• Smiling regardless of how I feel.

Things I need to remember nutritionally speaking:

• Don't eat so much dairy! As little as possible without obsessing
• Remember protein after workouts
• Talk to an RD student intern and get guidance 
• Cut back/out grains, as little as possible
• Eat as clean and natural as possible
• no munching
• smaller portions, no seconds!

Things I need to remember workout-wise

• always remember to push myself
• stick to an hour 6 days/week
•  remember weights!
• stretch after working out a little
• stretch routine at least on off day
• Fit in chiropractic back wellness routine sometime during the day.

The need is here, the desire is here, so just do it!