Sunday, June 15, 2014

Psalm 139 eyes.

It's funny how some of the smallest things stick with you. A small favor or act, gesture, comments, or questions.

The first thing that my Georgia team workout decided to hold was a Stone Mountain Laser Show

It was such an amazing time!  During our time together at the top, I was asked a question that has stuck with me. 

We were discussing my raynaud's phenomenon when David (mentioned in my last post) thinks this has something to do with my low blood pressure. It tends to be about 96 and when it gets in the 100's I kinda get freaked a bit. I like my blood pressure low, like everything.  I like a low weight, body fat %...and in the midst of all this another friend, who really understands me when it comes to my issues, asked me, 

Why was a low weight, low numbers, so important to me.

Honestly I had to think cause I'm still not really sure, but here's my best attempt for an answer.

I've always liked numbers, I was good at math as a child it came naturally to me really.Addition and subtraction, multiplication, division, fractions, less than, more than, or equal to. They know there place, and they are unchanging, unwavering.  I however haven't always liked myself, I have rarely liked myself really. I'm a perfectionist who feels she's never as good as she wants herself to be. I do the one major no-no and compare myself to people with this killer workout and diet and me, struggling. Mind you we are in two very different places, they oftentimes have lives where it's not as much of a problem, living alone and financially able while I try to balance my healthy lifestyle at home while living with all my family and keep them from getting offended while being totally broke. Do I factor that in when I feel like I've failed, do I count my attempts? No, I failed and in the end, excuses and reasoning doesn't matter I didn't do what I should. This feeling of not meeting my own standards turns into standards I feel everyone else holds to me also, whether they do or not. Mix that with all the years I've been made fun of as a child, and I guess I've learned to not appreciate myself as much as I should. 

That turns into the basic factor that less of me must be a good thing.

Being that I've not dated much, and I've not been in any real long term relationships, subconsciously I've gotten to where I figure it must be me, so then again, less of me may be more appealing then more of me.  

I've always wanted to be this little, petite, girly girl. The one you see looking up at the guy, kissing him on, her toes.  I want to be little enough that I can run and leap randomly on a guy and he'll be able to hold me up. I want to be enveloped by him, covered. Why? Not sure, I guess I feel safer and protected that way. Here again, I'm really into the small thing, my favorite actress for instance is Audrey Hepburn, not that I will ever be as small as her, I find her beautiful on the inside and out. Maybe that's partly why I feel the way I do.

What's amazing about her is that it's not that she loved being small, but she embracd herself in a time when being small wasn't popular. She took what society said wasn't beautiful and dressed it up and believed it was anyways.

 It's something I'm working on.  While I've improved on my number obsession, and I've learned to love me (I like me more currently then I have previously in all of my life) but it is still a process, I've spent many years putting too much importance on the "less is more" concept and it's not something I can mentally just turn off. But we are all a work in progress, and this is just my own and with Christ's help I'll begin to see myself through Psalm 139 eyes.

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