Am I Part of the Cure...

While taking ride this morning at the gym with my bestie, the working recovery song started to play, a remix of Coldplay's "Clocks" and although I've heard this song many-a-time this one lyric stuck out in my thoughts

"Am I part of the cure or am I part of the disease"

Thinking on the journey both my friend and I have been on. All the struggles, trials, ups and downs. The failures, the falling upon our knees and the cries to God.  The pain...it all came with something else, the love. The love of God, our Father being shown to us through it all. The love of others, especially each other as we edify each other along this road we walk along in this life.  

I attended her graduation from college, a very tough journey and amazing accomplishment for her.  I felt honored to be included in this event.  It's been one of the best weeks I've had for awhile and while now she prepares mentally as much as physically for her congratulations reward trip with her family cruise trip to the Bahamas, I think back on all that we've been through together, these few years I've known her.

  

Through all this, all we've done wrong and right. Positive and negative what kind of impact am I leaving? What have I already left?  Through the pain and trials I still battle with inside, have I left the world a better place?  Am I helping to cure this world of this disease?  The disease of hatred? Hatred toward yourself and toward others?  It is a question I not only cannot answer, I don't feel I have the right to, I think it's one that needs to be answered by those around me.  Those who come after.

It's one that will be answered before the Great Judge, the KING of Kings & LORD of Lords.  

What kind of life did I live?  What kind of light did I shine?  What kind of love did I show?

Pride

^"I wisdom dwell with prudence, and find out knowledge of witty inventions. The fear of the LORD is to hate evil: pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward mouth, do I hate. Counsel is mine, and sound wisdom: I am understanding; I have strength." Proverbs 8:12-14 KJV

^"When pride cometh, then cometh shame: but with the lowly is wisdom" Proverbs 11:2 KJV

So I have a secret, a humbling sorta something in my life I am not proud of...again.  Through past posts some are aware of my ongoing hormone/period battle. Well after many-a-tears over really dumb unexplainable things my sister FINALLY convinced me to see one of her doctors at her work and they put me on a anti-depressant (a very mild one might I just say). I am not proud of this, and hope to not be on it long, but for the time being it's kept me from crying everyday.

Why am I so ashamed of this? Especially when more than half the world is on some sorta medication.  Well while just being against drugs in any form anyways...I dunno, maybe because I feel like I am supposed to be 'not of this world'. When you get down to it though, it's really more about my own pride as a believer. 

^"Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever." 1 John 2:15-17 KJV

"The good christian wouldn't need these" my mind keeps telling me, "they would be able to pray it away; their faith is stronger then yours...they have a better relationship with God then you do. Some Christian I am. I failed at one of the most basic of all of His requirements, loving thyself".

My pride says I should be strong enough to overcome this, my pride calls me a failure.  I fear the judgement from those at church if they were to find out. The hurtful words my brothers & sisters in Christ would say behind my back. 

^"The highway of the upright is to depart from evil: he that keepeth his way preserveth his soul. Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. Better it is to be of an humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud." Proverbs 16:17-19 KJV

"A man's pride shall bring him low: but honour shall uphold the humble in spirit." Proverbs 29:23 KJV

I prayed beforehand and this is where He guided me. But why, why not just 'fix' me?  My hormones, cycle, emotions...fix it all. Well, I am not God Almighty for certain, but maybe because my pride would get in the way. Let's be honest, I can't say I would probably give Him the credit and glory He deserved if He did.  I wouldn't realize how much I need and rely on Him, even for the little overlooked things.  I wouldn't learn the painful lesson of humility. 

^"For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness: all these evil things come from within, and defile the man." Mark 7:21-23 KJV

I don't completely grasp why God never fully healed my father of his brain tumor, but I know that he is in heaven now because of it and I know that many others are just by watching him live with a tumor and without a healing. I know things are better for it. Now, could things have worked out just as awesome if he was healed? I'm certain they would have, but that doesn't matter now. My dad is in heaven and I'll get to be with him for all eternity, love and show him the respect  I should have when he was alive.  I don't claim to understand why I still have the health issues I do, I work out and eat as healthy (and balanced) as possible.  I try to take care of myself in all aspects: spiritually, physically, and mentally...but for whatever the reason, weather I don't have enough faith or something else, I know God will and is using this to shape me into a better person.  It is through my failures and shortcomings that I grow to become a more Christ-like christian. 

With each step I learn to lean more and more upon Him

"Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men!

 Thou shalt hide them in the secret of thy presence from the pride of man: thou shalt keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues.

Blessed be the LORD: for he hath shewed me his marvellous kindness in a strong city."

Psalm 10:3-5 KJV 

Heavenly Auras

"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." Matthew 5:16 KJV

Random thought I had one day that I've meant to post on for awhile...most people read this verse and think figuratively. The light being the light of Christ in our hearts shining through us by love, but what if this light He emits within us actually could be seen?  What if this light was truly what auras are all about?

The first chiropractor I ever went to believed in auras. He actually had a photograph of one of his client's aura before and after being adjusted. While I've no idea what a negative aura versus a positive aura really looks like, that's just a physical example of how auras are connected to us.

There are also people referred to as energy vampires due to their aura's absorbing the energy and lights of other peoples around them. But if someone can negatively affect others then why not positively?  Maybe just by loving Christ and holding Him inside us, living for Him, our aura will be His light shining through us...a heavenly aura.

Just a quick strange thought!

Here are some links:

Aura: Wikipedia

Aura Color Meanings

Closings

There is a song by Semisonic that says "Closing time...every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

I can only believe that God 'popped' it into my brain because it really spoke to me today, while I walked outside in the gorgeous weather...to my car so I can drive to the gym and workout instead of running outside on the trail. Why?  My stalker of course, while nothing more has happened, since this would be the second scare (I've had one previously a few years back), I told everyone I wouldn't run on the trail alone for awhile.

It's just now, with the time change keeping it sunny much later and the amazing temperatures and gentle breeze that this truly becomes difficult.


I've really been working at not letting it steal my joy, not letting the creepo that sent me those stupid texts, or the old man who authored the crazy letter I now have to keep forever, to take that from me also.  It's kind of ironic, I started as a social runner and really had to work at adjusting to running alone, to accepting that no one wanted to run with me.  But now I've grown so accustomed to running with the Lord and having that quiet-time, quality alone-time with Him in nature that the idea of only being able to run with others is  hard for me to accept. Yes, supposedly after a while I should be able to run alone again on the trail, but will it ever be the same, or will I always be worrying someone, perhaps occasionally myself, every-time I do?

All I can think of is that maybe God is using this to close that door, and open another.  I've always wanted the person that God has for me to be someone I can do stuff with and not feel like I annoy them, be active with, hold hands and just hangout with. Someone who would enjoy being around me always, loving me, and take part in my healthy lifestyle.  So maybe this is in preparation for that person. Maybe the Lord took everyone away from me for a time to help my relationship with Him to cultivate, strengthen.  And now that I have an unshakable bond with Him, now that I know and am completely confident that He really is all I need no matter what, He is beginning to prepare for uniting me with my soul mate.

Honestly this thought made me jealous of my private-time with God, will I never get that once I am married?  What will become of my runs with the Lord?  And then it came to me, why can't I share my God-time with my future-spouse? If we really are uniting and becoming one flesh, then shouldn't we bond with our heavenly Father together? His relationship with God is a major part of what I look for in a person, shouldn't we share and grow that relationship together?  This doesn't mean I wont get my own moments with just God as His daughter, but maybe my solitary long runs with Him are meant to one day be shared with a third person...what's the harm in that?  There's enough God in this universe to share.

This is just another step in preparation for bringing into my life whomever the Lord has for me.

untitled

So I had a controlled anger-run today...which will be the norm for awhile. I had a someone send me a picture of himself and then his "little buddy" and made a comment regarding the time I got off work and what I did for fun. After totally freaking out, I realized that when I upgraded my Facebook they re-posted my phone number. I had a suspect I thought it may be so I blocked him.  I then talked to my boss, then the campus cop to make a report where he helped me retrieve the number and will be calling him for me to let him know I don't appreciate him contacting me, ever. When I returned to the library for some reason my boss and coworkers couldn't pull his profile so I unblocked him to pull it up and lo, it's gone....and here I was starting to feel like I was jumping to conclusions, and I may still be, but how creepy is that? 

Now I am being walked to my car after work, and basically trail running outside in this beautiful early spring weather is out of the question for the moment. My walks at lunch around the building while reading are even being questioned and I've had to locate my pepper spray....the pervert.

In other news, I have yet another blood test tomorrow, this one I can't shower beforehand in case the soap causes a reaction, and is also fasting.  After this I'm being put on two more medications for a month. One is an estrogen-hormone pill I'll take for 28 days, the other is one I start on day 14 and take through day 26, which is supposed to yet again cause some bleeding 2 days after the fact.  The last time they put me on it alone for 10 days I never started so we shall see.  Then I have another follow-up appointment, this one after the routine physical I scheduled at my primary care doctor. 

So what's wrong with me you may ask, sorry I'm asking the same question.  For those who I haven't talked to about this, I'll finally be open (I guess if you've stuck around reading my blog for this long you deserve it), I haven't had my monthly cycle for over 6 months.  Why? that's what is being tested.  I started the first day of high school and was irregular from the beginning, of course being told that it's normal for the first year. Then it was normal for the first couple years, then few years until I graduated at 17 still skipping months all the time. Sometime after age 18 when they started growing closer together (more than 1 per month) I finally saw the doctor regarding them and started my trials of different birth controls, which always screwed me up by the end.  I've been told it's due to my weight, exercise habit, both of which are perfectly under control now and have been for awhile and still...nothing folks. 

I don't want a pill, I want to know why...early menopause, Celiac disease, genetics, I don't care at this point as long as I knew what! I don't want to sit here and be a birth control test subject, I don't want to take it at all honestly. I don't want to take the stupid pills they're giving me now, I'm just dealing with them since it's only temporary and will hopefully bring closure to this horrible chapter of my life.

Part of me feels that it, along with my IBS issues, are both somehow also related to the crap they keep putting into foods-by genetically modifying them or spraying them with crazy chemicals-but that's just a theory, and a subject of another blog.

Well there's my rant, sorry I just need to get it all off my chest.  I know these trials will draw me closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior Christ Jesus as it is only His strength I'm running on at this point. My faith in Him, His love and protection, are what are keeping me sane at this point.  But all I ask is that I remain in your prayers.

Unattainable Love

"I, I have wasted so much time

Pushing You away from me

I just never saw how You could cherish me

'Cause You're a God who has all things And still You want me

And I need You to love me

And I, I won't keep my heart from You this time

And I'll stop this pretending that I can

Somehow deserve what I already have..."

I Need You to Love Me by BarlowGirl 

This song really spoke to me today, there is just something to think about there for me. 

Of all the men I've dated I have to say that the last guy would be the one that intimated me the most...I guess while I was attracted to them all he was the most attractive to me (in all manners) and I often wondered why on earth he would want to date me in the first place.  When he asked I thought it was either a joke or he was just wanting something I wasn't willing to give out.  But every time he would stop by to talk to me I wondered what a guy like that would ever see in me.  Of all the girls available and I'm sure he could of dated any, why some dorky, quirky librarian girl who's really only known for walking outside around the library building while reading...still not sure really...

And he's nothing in comparison to God, my word. If I had a hard time with just a silly guy I didn't even date that long, how on earth could I honestly fully grasp the entirety of the love of my Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven & Earth.  He hand-crafted and hand-formed each and every one of us. His thoughts regarding us individually began before our beginning.  He could create any type of person He wanted, someone more talented, loving, caring, intelligent. Someone who hasn't screwed up as many times, who listens more and obeys more.

God comes to grow close towards me and I have the hardest times really understanding why.

Pushing away the unattainable seems to be my trend whether it be people, goals, or ideals. I try to push those things I don't believe I can have or I don't deserve.  What do I deserve?  Hell? Isolation?  Without Christ yes, but through Him I have this infinitely larger than life love, forgiveness, and grace bestowed unto me.. I have His plans for me. I'm not sure which is harder-accepting this amazing love or understanding why. 

Maybe it's not about undersanding, it's about believing. Isn't that what faith is all about?  Without faith it is impossible to please God because without faith it is impossible to fully grasp hold of Him.   

"Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near: Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." 

Isaiah 55: 6-9 KJV

God is calling to grow close towards you. Don't try to understand why, just accept through faith.

Reflection

"Celebrate your uniqueness and rejoice in the future God has planed for you. Be confident and start enjoying you!" Joyce Myers from The Confident Women Devotional

So while at the gym today I watched the new show The Revolution, and the style dude made a challenge for everyone to find a trait they like about themselves and dress to show it off all week.

So while watching the rest of the show I tried to think of what I thought my best asset was...then I continued this pondering while running errands with my mother, before my bath while staring at myself naked, and afterwards, in my pjs....then came to the conclusion that I cannot think of a single cotton-pickin' thing.

Staring into the mirror, it's not that I think myself unattractive necessarily, I just can't seem to see it currently.  I know that what is being reflected from the mirror isn't my actual appearance because it differs depending upon who is observing it. All that is being revealed is the person I see myself as within my own mind.

While I know logically there probably is something, I don't feel it right now.  I know logically that I'm not fat or huge, I know logically one cannot feel fat, you either are or aren't-that doesn't stop me from feeling it. 

I feel fat, I feel ugly...so sue me.  I'm not going to lie just because it's illogical; since when did a women's feelings EVER become logical in the first place? The words don't mix.

I would probably drive Spock insane.

The difference is that just because I feel fat and ugly, doesn't mean I think on it, or focus on it.  I acknowledge that is how I feel because I don't see the point in lying about it, but I also acknowledge that the feelings are probably to most untrue and choose to think on other things.

It's hard to 'celebrate my uniqueness' when I don't honestly feel that unique (yes those pesky feelings again I know) I guess I'm not that confident. My mind replays all the classic good christian responses.

"God doesn't make junk (or trash)"
"I was beautifully and wonderfully made"
"I was made in God's image, carefully hand-formed"
Psalm 139
"Pray for God to reveal your talents"
"You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength"
"You're good at lots of things..."

I myself have said these to others struggling, and yet when thinking them to myself, find very little comfort or warmth. I have wrote blogs on what I like about myself but cant seem to connect to them currently.  So what to do?  I shave my legs, put a small, but loose, tee and my little red shorts. TELL myself in my head, "no matter what you think, what you feel-you know you are beautiful, and deserve to be treated with love and respect. You are a nice person, and should therefore be nice to yourself, regardless of your feelings at the moment. You have a purpose, through Christ Jesus"

"Even if you are finding difficulty loving yourself, you are still loved. You will always be loved by and for Him, regardless"

After that, I busy myself with chores of the night and good conversation. Write a basically pointless venting blog, and decide to write a letter to my friend.