Pride

^"I wisdom dwell with prudence, and find out knowledge of witty inventions. The fear of the LORD is to hate evil: pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward mouth, do I hate. Counsel is mine, and sound wisdom: I am understanding; I have strength." Proverbs 8:12-14 KJV

^"When pride cometh, then cometh shame: but with the lowly is wisdom" Proverbs 11:2 KJV

So I have a secret, a humbling sorta something in my life I am not proud of...again.  Through past posts some are aware of my ongoing hormone/period battle. Well after many-a-tears over really dumb unexplainable things my sister FINALLY convinced me to see one of her doctors at her work and they put me on a anti-depressant (a very mild one might I just say). I am not proud of this, and hope to not be on it long, but for the time being it's kept me from crying everyday.

Why am I so ashamed of this? Especially when more than half the world is on some sorta medication.  Well while just being against drugs in any form anyways...I dunno, maybe because I feel like I am supposed to be 'not of this world'. When you get down to it though, it's really more about my own pride as a believer. 

^"Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever." 1 John 2:15-17 KJV

"The good christian wouldn't need these" my mind keeps telling me, "they would be able to pray it away; their faith is stronger then yours...they have a better relationship with God then you do. Some Christian I am. I failed at one of the most basic of all of His requirements, loving thyself".

My pride says I should be strong enough to overcome this, my pride calls me a failure.  I fear the judgement from those at church if they were to find out. The hurtful words my brothers & sisters in Christ would say behind my back. 

^"The highway of the upright is to depart from evil: he that keepeth his way preserveth his soul. Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. Better it is to be of an humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud." Proverbs 16:17-19 KJV

"A man's pride shall bring him low: but honour shall uphold the humble in spirit." Proverbs 29:23 KJV

I prayed beforehand and this is where He guided me. But why, why not just 'fix' me?  My hormones, cycle, emotions...fix it all. Well, I am not God Almighty for certain, but maybe because my pride would get in the way. Let's be honest, I can't say I would probably give Him the credit and glory He deserved if He did.  I wouldn't realize how much I need and rely on Him, even for the little overlooked things.  I wouldn't learn the painful lesson of humility. 

^"For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness: all these evil things come from within, and defile the man." Mark 7:21-23 KJV

I don't completely grasp why God never fully healed my father of his brain tumor, but I know that he is in heaven now because of it and I know that many others are just by watching him live with a tumor and without a healing. I know things are better for it. Now, could things have worked out just as awesome if he was healed? I'm certain they would have, but that doesn't matter now. My dad is in heaven and I'll get to be with him for all eternity, love and show him the respect  I should have when he was alive.  I don't claim to understand why I still have the health issues I do, I work out and eat as healthy (and balanced) as possible.  I try to take care of myself in all aspects: spiritually, physically, and mentally...but for whatever the reason, weather I don't have enough faith or something else, I know God will and is using this to shape me into a better person.  It is through my failures and shortcomings that I grow to become a more Christ-like christian. 

With each step I learn to lean more and more upon Him

"Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men!

 Thou shalt hide them in the secret of thy presence from the pride of man: thou shalt keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues.

Blessed be the LORD: for he hath shewed me his marvellous kindness in a strong city."

Psalm 10:3-5 KJV