Naked Ugliness, continued...

It is very weird to be inspired to draw something like this while at church, when the pastor is preaching about Christ's goodness and power in Revelation...but God has his own timing on things...

now I warn you that I've not drawn in over 7 years, and I only have a middle school art education but here it is. It is titled The Embrace although it is my version of what I wrote about in a previous post.

How much I cannot wait to open up to someone, for someone to see my ugly side and accept it willingly. It's hard for me to believe that someone ever will truly accept me for all of me. It's easy to say but when it comes down to it, will my ugly side be acceptable? Or maybe it's my inability to accept my ugly side myself which makes me think this...and maybe the day I finally find that person who does, it will help me be able to accept my ugliness for myself. 

Coming downOne love, two mouthsOne love, one houseNo shirt, no blouseJust us, you find out

Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no, no, no 

This verse also does bring my desire to stand with someone, bearing all physically and feel their warmth against mine...hey I am a person!  It's not something I was going to put but to be totally open I will.  The idea of one day having the warmth of someone else's skin against mine, chest to chest, excites me.  Being someone who is always cold, getting warm and being embraced by something other then a hoodie or blanket sounds awesome.

 I'm not sure how much I like this, but it's a step toward something...I'm hoping God will inspire me further and perhaps I can develop my passion more. It is very hard for me to post this, publicly, it is like opening a very intimate secret part of myself for everyone but I am anyways, at least on here.

Yup

I've decided until God deems fit to prove otherwise, that all men suck.

Thank you.

Naked Ugliness

 This was a texting conversation I had with a guy friend two nights ago.  I wish sometimes I really could replace my mirrors and see myself the way others do, see what they see. While I'm growing more content with myself, gorgeous is not something I see.

Is this because of how I see myself physically alone or do my issues with myself inside reveal themselves on how I see myself from the outside also?  I know I'm a perfectionist but how far does that desire for the unobtainable and drive for self improvement affect me and my self perception.

"Sweater Weather"

All I am is a man

I want the world in my hands

I hate the beach

But I stand

In California with my toes in the sand

Use the sleeves of my sweater

Let's have an adventure

Head in the clouds but my gravity's centered

Touch my neck and I'll touch yours

You in those little high-waisted shorts, oh

She knows what I think about

And what I think about

One love, two mouths

One love, one house

No shirt, no blouse

Just us, you find out

Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no

'Cause it's too cold

For you here and now

So let me hold

Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

And if I may just take your breath away

I don't mind if there's not much to say

Sometimes the silence guides our minds

So move to a place so far away

The goose bumps start to raise

The minute that my left hand meets your waist

And then I watch your face

Put my finger on your tongue

'Cause you love to taste, yeah

These hearts adore

Everyone the other beats hardest for

Inside this place is warm

Outside it starts to pour

Coming down

One love, two mouths

One love, one house

No shirt, no blouse

Just us, you find out

Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no, no, no

[2x]

'Cause it's too cold

For you here and now

So let me hold

Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

Whoa, whoa...

Whoa, whoa... whoa

Whoa, whoa... [2x]

'Cause it's too cold

For you here and now

So let me hold

Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

It's too cold

For you here and now

Let me hold

Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

It's too cold,

It's too cold

The holes of my sweater...

So for some reason I keep getting this song stuck in my head, which I like the song so I don't mind, but the verse that keeps repeating in my mind got me thinking today:

Coming down
One love, two mouths
One love, one house
No shirt, no blouse
Just us, you find out
Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no, no, no

How much I cannot wait to open up to someone, for someone to see my ugly side and accept it willingly. It's hard for me to believe that someone ever will truly accept me for all of me. It's easy to say but when it comes down to it, will my ugly side be acceptable? Or maybe it's my inability to accept my ugly side myself which makes me think this...and maybe the day I finally find that person who does, it will help me be able to accept my ugliness for myself.

This verse also does bring my desire to stand with someone, bearing all physically and feel their warmth against mine...hey I am a person!  It's not something I was going to put but to be totally open I will.  The idea of one day having the warmth of someone else's skin against mine, chest to chest, excites me.  Being someone who is always cold, getting warm and being embraced by something other then a hoodie or blanket sounds awesome.

Running in Heavenly Fog

Running today, the beauty of autumn still lingers as winter begins to take hold.

The Holy Spirit begins to settle all around me as a fog, I run towards it and He fills my lungs. As I breathe Him in He revitalizes me. Filling my lungs with each breath, releasing all the negative events of late.

One little tear at a time, the Lord begins to cry, cry for all those hurt and hurting, cry for the unfathomable love He feels for each and every one of us as He walks with us every moment of every day. He helps me release and all of the sudden I take off. Running faster and faster...all my emotions out, my fears out, my sorrow, running myself out so I can let more of Him in.

I run as fast as I can till I have nothing left.  Then the rain changes, from tear drops of understanding to his baptism. With every drop I am reborn in His image.  Recreated within His love. I feel a bond with all the nature around me, I become one with all of His creation. We running with Him....and I feel empowered!

Now I run quickly again, but not because of running away, not to empty my spirit but to fill it!  I can't get enough of His presence. I want more of Him, bless me oh Lord, BLESS ME.

Fog lies before me again and as my body tires I push myself toward it, I need to reach it. To feel His embrace once more and as I finally approach it I feel an intense love for me, one I don't understand.  One I don't deserve but gladly accept.

I finish my run with a new rejuvenated focus on my Heavenly Father and a greater connection with nature.  I needed this and praise the Lord for those in my life who understand this bond, and help motivate me to move beyond my fears of failure, of others hurting me, and most of all my fear of letting others down and what they want for me instead of worrying about letting myself down. Of figuring out what I want for me.  I realize due to my past I've created, to keep myself away from myself.

I cannot wait to rediscover who this Child of Christ really is, once she lets go of everything holding her back.