Monday, August 29, 2011

Fear & Trust

"For my sighing cometh before I eat, and my roarings are poured out like the waters. For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me. I was not in safety, neither had I rest, neither was I quiet; yet trouble came." Job 3:24-26 KJV

Would you feel just as beautiful if you looked like you dreamed of, but were 20 pounds heavier?  This is a fear that many women have, which God brought to a friend of mine through a dream.

As I head to the gym yet again, instead of running I decided to do the arc trainer and listen to the fireman who told me I shouldn't run outside till it cools down a bit (I run at 4:30 pm so its crazy hot).  Also telling myself I'm just letting my knee rest a bit more, since it's bothering me a tink.  

This way I'll stretch it out really well first.

If God took away my ability to run-our runs together-would I be alright? Would I love Him the same? Seek after Him just as much?  Would I listen?

My answer to this question is a reluctant "only if you make me"

Has the thing I feared come upon me already?  My fear of not being able to run has begun to take hold before I even permanently hurt myself-from my fear of permanently hurting myself. 

Would I feel just as close to God if He chose to take away my runs with Him?

I've realized my fear of not being able to run has lead me to not running already.  It has also made me think of an even greater fear...
What if I lose the desire to run?  

I tell others all the time, that not everyone is a runner and not to do it if you don't enjoy it...but am I okay with becoming one of those individuals? While I still enjoy running now, I will admit not as much as before (which is a good thing with how my knees are already I'm not sure they could handle much more). What is it about not running that scares me so?  I already know how to keep in shape regardless so that's not it, and I enjoy hiking just as much outside and can bond with God through that or other means...

Is it the change?  Although I can bond with Him in other ways, I guess part of me is scared to lose that bond I already have with a good run.  Why do I feel less beautiful if I don't run sometimes?

"Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him." 
Job 13:15 KJV

I cannot say I have answers to these questions I pose upon myself, but as I soaked in a hot bath today pondering upon all these things, I changed my answer...if it is your will Lord, I will obey.

“He’ll be coming and going” [...] “One day you'll see him and another you won't. He doesn't like being tied down — and of course he has other countries to attend to. It's quite all right. He'll often drop in. Only you mustn't press him. He's wild, you know. Not like a tame lion."
Mr. Beaver, in Ch. 17 : The Hunting of the White Stag
The Chronicles of Narnia

1 comment:

  1. happy to have somewhat inspired a blog haha :)
    love you!