Trust and Thorns

It's sad when you lose trust in someone, especially when it's someone you care about...but what about when it's yourself?

I've been talking with someone everyday for almost a month now (the small highlights of my day honestly) and something he's helped me realize is how little trust I have in myself.

For instance, on losing weight...I can't trust myself to lose weight on my own judgement since the last time I did that I lost so much weight I almost lost my job and had to find a counselor or someone at work to talk to. That would be how I met one of my best pals ever, my brother-in-Christ Russell.  But I also have a fear of trusting myself to just eat like I want cause I don't trust myself to stop eating when I should. 

Another I've just recently realized is my passionate side. I find I am a VERY passionate person, to the point I don't trust myself with them, at all. I tend to tie them up, lock them, and hide them somewhere deep inside. Either out of insecurities, or I think just fear of what I would do if I were to let go. I also hide them with my perfectionism, striving to be perfect at not giving in, not letting myself out of my box. but what happens if I want out? When I do finally meet that God-given person, how do I let them in, how do I let my reins loose?  When I get married, how on earth do I plan to ever make love when I'm scared to let myself touch them, when I'm scared to be touched...How do I get myself to let go of all my constraints and take down all the walls I've built?

This is why I don't draw anymore I think, I drew things I was passionate about, but over the years I've locked them so tight I can't get myself to be inspired to draw anything anymore.

How do I earn my own trust back?

(So I guess maybe this is why I'm not the best at swimming either lol)

How do I stop fearing myself, fearing my passionate side...and most of all, how do I let someone else see the real me, feel the real me. Especially when I'm not even sure who the real me is anymore.

All things cannot be fixed without realizing they need to be so I find it a blessing that I've at least grown to a point I see this. My focus has changed from being consumed over a number on a scale and body fat percentage to my inner workings (at least partly changed-my weight still bugs me). It's the reason I love the quote I posted on Facebook today so much.

"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses." Alphonse Karr (French novelist)

Sometimes it takes hurt and sometimes you will bleed to get the perfect rose.  Now I've got to choose which part of me will I let win, the thorn or the flower.

Life at the Top of the Tower

I've learned that I have a LOT of people protecting me.

I've been set up with a few gentlemen recently and all the different people in my life have something they generally are looking for to gauge whether or not they are worthy.

From opening and closing my doors,  driving to meet me, introducing themselves to the family, and so many more I'm sure I'm not thinking of right now.

I've waited for the right guy for so long and my mother has always talked about the amazing person God was going to bring me because I've given myself to Him first and foremost and I've left the choice up to him, that high expectations have arisen. Others just say I'm too trusting, innocent/naive, sweet (and thanks btw), or that I get attached too easily to be left to myself.  I guess for whatever reason I need to be protected. 

The biggest person who has stepped up on this honestly is one of my brother-in-laws. I have always considered him like a big brother, but through this process he has been the hardest to get to like anyone.  He's very picky and even has to approve of what I wear...but as annoying as this can be, it's nice to know I'm so loved.

I sort of feel like one of those princesses in a tower, with all the different obstacles hindering princes everywhere from even wanting to attempt to rescue me.  I'm just not worth the trouble to most.

So will there ever be a prince that will find me worth the fight?  Is there really a Prince Charming in my future?  Sometimes its not about how cute, strong, or charming you can be but about the heart and passion.

I'm a virgin of 28 years and going, and there have been many times along the path that I've thought of giving up on him...throwing in the towel to the whole idea and just start saving my money for cats, but my faith and family have helped me to stay strong.

The fear of the wicked, it shall come upon him: but the desire of the righteous shall be granted.

Proverbs 10:24.  KJV

He is out there and he will come, one day.



On a side note, here are some tips for anyone thinking of trying to be a girls prince charming, at least for a girl like myself.

• Don't brag about women at the bar who wanted you or were hitting on you, especially if they were married
• Don't try to talk to me about what you are NOT wearing while we are on the phone, I am not impressed.
• Open doors, be a gentlemen
• Come to my house and pick me up on the first date, don't make me drive a gazillion miles cause you don't feel like driving them.
• Text or call on your own. Don't make me always have to contact you first. This applies to friendships as well as dating, they work both ways. I've lost a good friend just by waiting for her to contact me.
• Be yourself

and for all guys, don't stare at me while I do dead lifts, or anything else that required bending...that's an extra for you at no charge.