All things in God's timing

So many things happened...and so many more to come.

I ran my marathon on December 28th, 2014 @ 3:47:16...12 minutes from Boston time, which I'm quite proud of really! I placed 4th for my age group which for my first full marathon I thought was really great.

Will I run another one? Maybe one day but not soon! Everyone calls me a runner, and maybe I am, maybe I was but I'm growing into something more...I don't know, but I do know there is more to me then just that. 

My goals for 2015:

1. To do an unassisted pull-up (which I have achieved btw)
2. To climb a rope without knots (which I have also done, albeit not well lol)
3. To move out

2 out of 3 is not bad, and much quicker then I expected to achieve them really, but that is thanks to someone who's really motivated me recently...that I am so honored that God blessed me with.

He has supported and pushed me far more then I probably deserve and the progress I've made is all thanks to him.  He has also helped me develop new goals, one which I am excited (and really scared of), if I get everything set up, I will tell everyone about later!

Moving out? Maybe, currently my challenge is just getting a better paying job and getting my debt under control. Once I have those dealt with I will move further.

I've really been having my mind on the Lord more recently, not necessarily anything in particular but just in general. 

1 Corinthians 2:16 - For who hath known the mind of the Lord, that he may instruct him? But we have the mind of Christ.
Romans 12:2 - And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what [is] that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
1 Corinthians 2:14-16 - But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know [them], because they are spiritually discerned.   (Read More...)
Philippians 2:5 - Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:
1 Corinthians 2:13-16 - Which things also we speak, not in the words which man's wisdom teacheth, but which the Holy Ghost teacheth; comparing spiritual things with spiritual.   (Read More...)
John 5:30 - I can of mine own self do nothing: as I hear, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me.
2 Timothy 1:7 - For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
1 Peter 1:13 - Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ;
Ephesians 5:1 - Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children;
1 Peter 4:17 - For the time [is come] that judgment must begin at the house of God: and if [it] first [begin] at us, what shall the end [be] of them that obey not the gospel of God?
1 Peter 1:3 - Blessed [be] the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which according to his abundant mercy hath begotten us again unto a lively hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,
1 John 2:6 - He that saith he abideth in him ought himself also so to walk, even as he walked.
James 1:27 - Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, [and] to keep himself unspotted from the world. 

KJV 

All things in God's timing, While things aren't perfect, I am happy where I am at and really excited to see what things will be coming soon! 

One of which is my 30th birthday! 

Perception

"It's hard for me to think about someone so beautiful doing something like that to themselves..."

Or something to that effect was a statement made to me on Sunday after church from an old friend of mine.  It's always hard for me to talk about....quite a shameful part of me, of my past.

Then this morning, reading my friend's blog Running Disciple followed by an article Philosophical conceptions of the self: implications for cognitive science, discussing the two perceptions of self:

This review examines two important concepts of self: the ‘minimal self’, a self devoid of temporal extension, and the ‘narrative self’, which involves personal identity and continuity across time.

really began me pondering upon perceptions, our own and others of something, anything, of each other.

The Three Brides by Jan Toorop 

I see a minimum of three versions of myself, three existing perceptions:

My own

Others

God's

There can possibly be more than 3 really, for every person we encounter has their own unique perception of 'me', but in general it's going to come down to seeing me in three general manners. 

I see 3 general ways I can be viewed:

• How I see myself:

Dirty, evil, sinner. Never good enough, always messing things up. Imperfect failure. Ugly, fat, unattractive, undesirable, rejected, pointless, worthless, unimportant. unloved and unlovable

• How Others see me:

While not the opinion of everyone, this is a view I've had expressed to me by a few that I respect the opinion of but don't really understand or agree with. 

To sum it up, a purity test once told me I was the 'virgin sacrifice'...Innocent, pure. Once in high school I got fussed at by my friends for saying the word 'pissed' to express my anger, apparently I am not allowed to say such things.  Older gentlemen tell me that 'if only they were younger' and a date once said that he thought if anyone was capable to earn their saint status, he thought I did (ex-catholic). Most generally sum me up as that church-going good little christian girl, who is a bit too innocent for them. I find humanity always seems to place higher judgements and expectations upon others than themselves, and await for our imminent failure-for we always have decent reasons for our own actions-everyone else just has excuses.

• How God sees me: How I REALLY am:

I see God seeing me as the the bride of Christ... I am imperfect alone but perfect through Him who cleanses me.  I am in His image, His temple, His light.  I am made of flesh and blood, bone and muscle.  I fall short sometimes, I fail, but all the while comforted by the warmth of His mighty palm where I reside. No one whispering to me what I should be, or trying to label me anything.

Imperfect made into perfection through the blood of His one and only son, the Son of God Jesus Christ who died just for me. 

For I do have worth against my own view.  I am worth the time, worth the seasons of my being.  worth the trials, worth the pain.  I'm somehow deserving of His love, I am beautiful and I am loved.

There is a deeper reason for my existence through Him, I have purpose.

The world always talks about "accepting yourself" and I started wondering when, if ever, I managed this during my recovery. The answer is I think never. 

I haven't accepted myself, I have put down myself and accepted Christ.

If I had of accepted myself, my self-view, or self-perception, would be better.  I don't think I want to accept myself, I just want to accept God's view.  I want to merge His view and make it my own. 

Putting down myself and lifting up Him.

"Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.

 Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time:

 Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." 1 Peter 5:5-7 KJV 

 For I am only worth anything if you see me through Him.  And any "good" others see in me, any beauty is really His beauty shining through me.  Any resemblance to anything remotely close to a Saint, any "virgin sacrifice"-like qualities are His grace being reflected through me.  

I think Paul really grasped this concept when he wrote 1 Corinthians 15:9 

"For I am the least of the apostles, who am not worthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me." NKJV

 

• Other's viewed Paul as either "Saul" the perfect Pharisee, or Saint Paul the powerful disciple.
• Paul saw himself for the murderer he was
• And God saw Paul as a perfect vessel to flow His mighty power though

Day by day I see Him in me, and I have learned to love myself, because I learned to love Him that is in me.  Him that shines through, Him that guides, Him that loves.

My Joshua Tree

*Originally written on March 12th, 2011*

I'm currently reading a new book, The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls, A Memoir...and although the beginning was kinda slow, I've really started to enjoy it.  Before I even hit 50 pages, I've already had a few lines speak to me.

It wasn't just any tree. It was an ancient Joshua tree. It stood in a crease of land where the desert ended and the mountain began, forming a wind tunnel. From the time the Joshua tree was a tiny sapling, it had been so beaten down by the whipping wind that, rather than trying to grow skyward, it had grown in the direction that the wind pushed it. It existed now in a permanent state of windblownness, leaning over so far that it seemed ready to topple, although, in fact, its roots held it firmly in place...One time I saw a tiny Joshua tree sapling growing not too far from the old tree, I wanted to dig it up and replant it near our house. I told Mom that I would protect it from the wind and water it every day so that it could grow nice and tall and straight.

Mom frowned at me. "You'd be destroying what makes it special," she said. "It's the Joshua tree's struggle that gives it its beauty."

 Now I know we've all heard variations of this type of story, I remember Joyce Meyer's using a version with a baby eagle, but there are so many elements to this one that make it reach me even deeper.  First off I love the name of the tree, it reminds me of Joshua in the bible, like the tree standing strong he was one of the only two Israelites who left Egypt to get to see the promise land after 40 years in the dessert.  Because he had faith in his God and knew that God kept His word.

 "No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life; as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and of good courage, for to this people you shall divide as an inheritance the land which I swore to their fathers to give them. Only be strong and very courageous, that you may observe to do according to all the law which Moses My servant commanded you; do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may prosper wherever you go.  This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:5-9

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." 1 Corinthians 10:13

All those who have accepted Christ are children of God, we are sons and daughters! Heirs of the King!  But we, just as the Joshua tree was made to withstand the wind and dessert weather, are made to withstand.

"Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. ¹¹ Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,^[c] against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." Ephesians 6:10-13

Its our struggle against all the opposing forces that shape us into who we are. If we never had any battles, we would never learn how strong our heavenly Father is, how much He loves us, adores us...like any relationship its the hard times that help the relationship blossom and the two people together even more.  We learn more of God's character, and more of the character He created us with. 

A friend of mine on facebook put up two statuses that God spoke to me though at around the same time:

"When you believe in Jesus you are saved, when you realize that Jesus believes in you, it will radically mess you up!!!!"

and "Jesus came to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable"

The more you learn and trust in Jesus and His unmerited favor (grace) that He blesses us with if we choose to accept it, the more battles we will have to endure to truly grasp even a fraction of the love Christ really has for us.  Until you have a hard battle, you never know you could endure that battle through His strength.  Until Peter stepped out of the boat to walk on the water, He never knew that through Christ, he could.  Before Job lost everything he had built around himself, he never knew-or would have probably believed-that he even could endure so much hardship though our Father. He never understood or grasped a fraction of the full power and love of the amazing YAH. I never knew I would be able to endure a Father with a tumor for 15 years, an eating disorder, running 13.1 miles, or even my biggest battle I'm currently undergoing~myself, until He brought me though all of them (and still is) with His peace and love. Holding me the whole way, cradling me, embracing me and capturing all my tears, crying some of His own while watching me go though these battles.  We have to be afflicted to find the true comfort that comes from Jesus. 

On a date, hiking Sweet Water Creek, Ga., after our picnic walking back we passed a tree covered in knotts and while my date thought it was hidious, I found it strangly intreguing, beautiful.  I think this is how the world sees us, our battles look ugly and they don't understand. They are outside of His peace, they are looking down at the problem and down at themselves. But through the eyes of God, when we keep our focus on things above, on Christ, on our Father above who guides us through His love, we are beautiful! 
We, like the little girl, try to protect ourselves, hide from the hardships, from the wind of the world that tries to tear out our roots, but that will just kill us, destroy our beauty. We cannot grow strong without something (or someone) to fight against. 

When we are planted in Christ...having done all, we WILL STAND no matter how the wind pulls at us. No matter how the battle is perceived from the outside world.  

And while we feel ugly, forgotten and alone in the cold dessert night, all the time God stands beside us, painting our lives into a personal and unique masterpiece, beautiful and unlike any other on earth.

my next painting, I think I too want to paint a Joshua tree...my Joshua tree...

What was it like Daddy?

*Originally written on November 19th, 2010*

This morning on my way to work a gentleman requested the radio station to play Mercy Me "I can only imagine" and mentioned that it was played at his nephew's funeral. As the song began to play, my mind began to reflect back upon my own father and what his meeting with the Lord that first time was like. I've not really gotten too emotional about my father's passing much, I guess growing up my whole life aware that he could pass on at any moment, taking care of him for a year while watching his tumor begin to take over more and more prepares  someone for something like that.  But I can recall how much he struggled down here and eagerly anticipated the moment God would call him home again.  I can honestly say this did actually make me get a tink emotional, something I've only done regarding his passing one other time after his death & funeral in 2004 (of course I was emotional then).

I never considered this song for a funeral, but it makes sense.  Funeral's can become so dreary and sad...so melancholy, but for someone saved, its just a welcome home celebration, till I see you again, and a way for everyone still left visiting this earth to let that person know the impact they had upon their lives and how much they will me missed.  For we all await the day that we will meet Christ face to face, our Savior and Redeemer, our Husband.

^"14 “I will deliver this people from the power of the grave;
I will redeem them from death.
Where, O death, are your plagues?
Where, O grave, is your destruction?
“I will have no compassion," Hosea 13:14 NIV

⁵ “Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?” 1 Corinthians 15:55 NIV

^"17 For if by the one man’s offense death reigned through the one, much more those who receive abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness will reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ.)" Romans 5:17 NKJV

^"18 I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore. Amen. And I have the keys of Hades and of Death." Revelation 1:18 NKJV

^"10 Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer. Indeed, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and you will have tribulation ten days. Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life." Revelation 2:10 NKJV

I can only Imagine

I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When your face is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus,
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence,
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Hallelujah,
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine when all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory,
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus,
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence,
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Hallelujah,
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine, yeah
I can only imagine
I can only imagine, yeah, yeah, yeah

Surrounded by your glory,
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus,
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence,
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Hallelujah,
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine, yeah

I can only imagine, yeah, yeah
I can only imagine, Yeah
I can only imagine
I can only imagine, Ohh yeah
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when all I will do
is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine