Preform a Work in & Through Me...

I want to be a better person than I am...

& I can only do that through Christ Jesus my Lord and Savior...

so I  pray, please Lord, guide to along a closer walk with thee, whisper in my ear...

teach me, forgive me for all the ways I have fallen short & help me grow...

use me...

Love me

The Embrace

*Originally written on March17th, 2011*

I almost didn't post this. It is going to be a personal, more intimate, blog-harder for me even than the last...which trust me was a stepping out. The only reason I have the strength to type this, besides God who inspired me in the first place, was a friend who helped me realize, although painful, open rejection is worth it if you can help just one soul. For isn't that exactly what Christ came and did, for each and every individual.  This subject came at random Tuesday morning on my way to work after a nice hour and a half oversleeping.

It all started with a song, but not one on the radio, not on my car CD player, not on my iPod or iPhone, but it played in my mind.

Natalie Imbruglia "Torn"

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm
He came around
And he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry

Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know
Or seem to care
What your heart is for
I don't know him anymore

There's nothin' where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothings right
I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
I should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins
And now, I don't care
I have no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can't touch
I'm torn

There's nothin' he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's right
I'm torn
Chorus

The chorus is what played continuously in my head.  Why on earth was I thinking of this song?  I've not heard its overplayed lyrics in years...and it came to me.

It's how the world leaves us and how we first embrace God. 

We start by seeking this spouse, beautiful looking, seeming to care...so we stray from God and instead pour out ourselves-our souls, revealing ourselves and all to be fooled and left alone bound and broken on the floor.  The 'perfect' sky, perfect idealistic life is torn slowly before our eyes. Like that famous emperor we are all promised by the world such a beautiful set of clothing, when really we are too prideful to realize how naked and foolish we really are.

"Bound, naked, ashamed".  We just want to hide, but it is this state that God wants to embrace us, comfort us...and its in this state we finally surrender all of ourselves to him, revealing our more sacred, tender side.

Our intimate parts.

I think this is a major part of why our relationship with Christ is compared to a marriage, there is just something about a newlywed couple...the wedding night, and the first time she undresses before Him-before anyone.  The first time she makes herself vulnerable to someone, to touch and to be touched.  For me, its something I fear-and yet-excitedly await.  As a girl who's waiting till she's married in a society where sex is something you do with anyone when your bored.

I have a horrible fear of being vulnerable.  I try to hide my true inner feelings, oh so many to hide it hurts so badly as they bleed forth from my heart, my eyes, and my knees as my legs collapse because I'd rather run then reveal who I really am to the world.  The pain of being ashamed that you feel makes the idea of any kind of intimacy difficult to grasp, especially that kind.  I can't even stare at some people in the eyes when I can tell they see through who I am (which is why cute shoes are always important) much less having that same person stare at me, undressed inside and out.

But there must be something to this, for Solomon wrote an entire book of the bible about the relationship between a man and a women. A relationship that, at least as a girl, is what I've been awaiting my heavenly Father to bring me. My soul mate, the one who I complete, that I can unite with and create one being with. A Song of Solomon is book too often skipped and overlooked, under-read, its become the scarlet letter of the bible. Ashamed, people often try to make excuses about how it 'accidently' got inserted...But I find it to be one of the most intriguing and beautiful books within the bible. 

Now I'm not saying I believe that it represents our relationship with God, but to me it reveals why God creates sex as such an important event.  It was the first command God gave Adam and Eve. To multiply-well there is only one way to really do that. And I'm not trying to glamorize sex.  It is a very physical event between two people and not the fairytale they make little girls believe to keep them a virgin as long as possible. I realize this, but I guess as someone on the outside of things, and very inexperienced in this area (OBVIOUSLY), its what I see and feel.

Since we are the bride of Christ, we begin our marriage when we come to Him naked and broken...awaiting His touch to heal our hearts as we then lovingly embrace each other.  There is something about being in the arms of Christ that I think cannot be compared to anything earthly and yet...every true believer that has a deep relationship with the Lord understands, in their own personal way; a way no other being does. 

Not to get on this again, but we would never understand the deep meaningful intimate embrace of our Lord Jesus Christ if it wasn't for the painful rejection of the world. 

*Comment from original post:

Love it love! Thanks for being so raw and open. I LOVE reading your writings! It inspires me to want to write in my blog… if I could only bring myself to do it haha

Chelsi

Feelings...nothing more than feelings...

*Originally written on March 14th, 2011*

I hate that I have such strong feelings, strong emotions, & a strong soul sometimes...One of the hardest things for me to do is express how I feel, I feel so much with such a passion it feels like I'm cracking into pieces...every tear is so loaded with more than any person I can imagine.  I know God doesn't give us more than we can bear, but this is such a heavy burden to carry sometimes...

so I run...like Forrest Gump I run with all I am, I harden myself, grab some sneakers and run till I'm numb or my legs won't carry me any further...why express things nobody else really is concerned or even knows exist.  Who would listen anyhoo, and why would they care to?  Part of me wonders why I'm even writing this blog.

I had planned on only running 6 miles, but you KNOW it's God when the Floyd Road Silver Comet trail light changes right when you reach it, its such a rarity, that I changed directions to my longer route and went up to 8.4 miles, but ended up running 10.5 instead.  While it wasn't enough to run away completely from myself-not even a corner really-I did connect with God by the end.

The blue sky and warmth from the sun, or for me the Son, powered me...cheered me up and on and even helped me bless others on the trail He brought along my path.  And the end, I felt heavy, but instead of it being from all the hurt and feelings and inner pain within my soul, it was heavy from the blessed weight of His unmerited favor and love, the weight of all that He is!

The more I know and experience Him the more I want to know and experience! And yet, the harder it is to really handle...I'm sure we don't even grasp an atom of the being and essence of God the Father, God the Son, or God the Holy Spirit.  At one point I almost wanted to collapse, but not from my own tears but from the glory of God upon me, it was like He was drawing me to Him, comforting me but in the act of His embrace, the closer I got the harder it was to bear the fullness of who He is...yet like a drug I still crave more!  It may overwhelm me, and the more it happens on my runs I wonder if my body will be able to handle it, but I want another hit of Christ, I want another dose but a bigger one!  Give me oh God as much as I can handle of You, and then even more!  If it kills me it would just draw me even closer to You!  And what a way to die, to die from the embrace of the LORD!

Not that I'm wanting to die or anything, just a thought.

On the way home a song came on that always reaches me, Beautiful by Mercy Me.

The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
I'm praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes
You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

A friend once posted this for me (and others) and it really does reach out to me...I just sat in the car, crying out to my Father, tears I cannot explain, for feelings I cannot explain.  My soul is tired, I'm tired of caring so much.  Wishing they would just leave me, but knowing He's given them to me for some reason and purpose I cannot fathom at this point in my life.

In all of this life, at least I'm beautiful to Him, at least I know that God desires me, loves me, understands me and accepts me just as I am, just as He created me to be. Knowing all the mistakes I would make, He loves me.  Knowing I would let Him down He loved me.  Knowing I would doubt Him, knowing my lack of faith, knowing how many times I would cry to Him over the same silly things that in the end, don't seem to matter much to anyone but me...He loved me.  He even made me to care about those silly little things...I may not be able to express my feelings, not even well to God, but I can cry with all my heart to Him, and He understands it all, the unspoken inexpressible feelings, emotions, the pain, the tears...He strengthens my Spirit and through it-my soul is nourished

and I carry on.

Through Him, and by Him and Him alone...despite He's lack of answers He has for my pain-filled questions, He carries me on with a joy amidst the storm of my life.  For the joy of the Lord is my strength and stronghold in times of trouble.  We don't have to understand, in fact I think that is when we receive His true peace, is when we let go and let God...

it just took me 10.5 miles and a cry on the Lord's shoulder to get there

Proverbs Lady

*Originally written on January 7th, 2011*

A friend recently posted her goals for the new year on her blog, and while I have some, I never thought about typing them out anywhere, but since I have some free time at work I decided why the heck not.  Writing (or typing currently) is supposed to help anyhoo.

• Work on being a 'Proverbs Woman' and all that it entitles. Study this chapter more intensely and let the Lord guide me.
• Take my workout routine and make it livable, I want to live for the Lord and take care of myself for Him, not before Him.  Keep my life centered around Him, His love and plans for me...to live and have my being centered around 'being about HIS business' and I think that health and fitness are a huge component of that, and He wouldn't have given me such a passion for it if it wasn't. We are His temple, His dwelling place-we shine His light & bear His image!  He hand crafted each and every one of us and how we take care of His temple, how we show it respect (or a lack there of) shows our love and respect toward Him and His gift and sacrifice.  He has become the primary reason for and a major component of my workout routine, and I want to keep that up also, I always feel such an amazing bond with Him during my workout times, it's a time I use to reflect upon Him and absorb as much of  Him in as possible! I don't want ANYTHING to hinder that, I don't want ANYTHING before Him so I want to just recheck myself this year and make sure everything remains in the proper order!
• Also, I want to help my Mother get back into fitness. We eat crazy healthy enough, but after some injuries she's had a hard time getting back into the routine, so I am giving myself a goal to help!  She's done and does so much for me it's the least I can do! I love her so much and want her to be around a long time! She already wants to herself so I just want to help!
• I've recently gotten into sewing and I would like to continue to grow my skills at it, I hope God continues to provide people to make quilts for so my talent can blossom!  I have gotten bitten by the quilt-giving bug lol, its all my Mom's fault, thank you so much Mom!
• Start a granny square afghan, complete my 'joy' collage, & would like to get back into drawing & painting (including pottery)...and maybe if I'm lucky, scrapbook sometime this year :p
• Make a mosaic & a batik, learn to knit.
• Continue with my goal to get out of debt and complete it within the 3 years I originally planned!
• Increase my distance run by 2 miles. A friend has bugged me about not making any major fitness goals so besides the one previously mentioned...this will be it.
• Work on my handwriting, I love writing letters, but I feel for the poor soul that is reading them!  My handwriting gets pretty bad at the end, especially when I am writing about some strange thought or idea the Lord gave me, or a bible verse He showed Me I excitedly wanted to share, and my thoughts are going faster than I can comprehend, and that's way faster than I can write!  While they've never said anything, I still would like to have a handwriting that wasn't described as what a serial killers would look like.
• Don't take life too seriously, or myself!  Work on keeping joy of the Lord in every and all situations, keeping an optimistic attitude always, continuously loving and laughing, and learning to continue to see myself though His eyes!

God has really been dealing with me regarding the 'law' I set for myself and my perfectionism...how I need to let go and let God.  Embrace His sacrifice and unmerited favor, His amazing grace that saved a retch like me. Joseph Prince, in his book Unmerited Favor, has been discussing Christ's success, and that even before the 10 commandments were created, Joseph obeyed them (think on the Potiphar's wife situation).  He had the guidance, grace, and righteousness of Christ, before Moses ever created the law, Before Christ came upon the earth.  This confuses me a bit and is something I want to think on and study more intensively so I find it ironic that without trying I managed to create 10 goals...this speaks of something but what I'm not sure lol.



According to Christian Resources Today

Ten : 10 - Biblical Meaning of Number: deals with completeness that happens in a divine order or completed during a course of time. There's nothing that is left wanting within the complete cycle the number "ten" has just completed.
(In today's society this number is looked at mostly when referring to some kind of ranking or describing something that's close to perfection)

YOUR power running through me

*Originally written on December 31st, 2010*

Yesterday I traded my run outside for some gym time, wondered as silly as it is, if reworking my schedule was a good idea but brushed it aside after blessing a few people, and being blessed, with some laughter and such on the way out of the gym. God always has you where you are for a reason.

Today I was rewarded with beautiful weather, partly cloudy turned to bright blue cloudless sky. Perfect for my run with the Lord to end the old year and begin a new one...I started out with some music, but soon ditched it for sounds of nature and to get closer to God.

I began having issues keeping myself concentrated on Him of course, since this is  supposed to be my quiet time with the Lord. As I continued though-I told myself I ran with HIS strength, the glory of the sun empowering me, inspiring me.  So finally I went for it!  Went for not an 8 mile run, not my planned 10 mile run, but a 14 mile run, ending the year with a nice long quiet run with God.  As we went, I just had to keep praying for His strength, His power.  Him to be my joints, Him to be my muscles, my lungs, my heart...The desires of the righteous WILL be granted and He put this desire within me.  As the run continued I became more and more focused on Him for He was the only reason I was still going!

When I finally was reaching the end, He actually gave me enough energy to sprint to the end!  I was amazed!  And I KNEW it had to be Him because when I finally reached the end of my 14.7 miles...my strength and energy just-left! All of the sudden I FELT like I had ran over 14 miles lol.  It is just so awesome to know that He cares about our runs, our quiet moments we spend together!

Its a small way the Lord shows His love, but powerful!  It reminds me of how He always has my automatic locks work in my car.  They stopped for a long time, but one day I asked Him to have them work (more to myself than really Him) and He had them work! Now everytime they do I KNOW its Him, His little 'I love you' and 'your in my thoughts' messages for the day.  I cannot wait for this next year and all the many ways my love relationship with the Lord will grow!

What was it like Daddy?

*Originally written on November 19th, 2010*

This morning on my way to work a gentleman requested the radio station to play Mercy Me "I can only imagine" and mentioned that it was played at his nephew's funeral. As the song began to play, my mind began to reflect back upon my own father and what his meeting with the Lord that first time was like. I've not really gotten too emotional about my father's passing much, I guess growing up my whole life aware that he could pass on at any moment, taking care of him for a year while watching his tumor begin to take over more and more prepares  someone for something like that.  But I can recall how much he struggled down here and eagerly anticipated the moment God would call him home again.  I can honestly say this did actually make me get a tink emotional, something I've only done regarding his passing one other time after his death & funeral in 2004 (of course I was emotional then).

I never considered this song for a funeral, but it makes sense.  Funeral's can become so dreary and sad...so melancholy, but for someone saved, its just a welcome home celebration, till I see you again, and a way for everyone still left visiting this earth to let that person know the impact they had upon their lives and how much they will me missed.  For we all await the day that we will meet Christ face to face, our Savior and Redeemer, our Husband.

^"14 “I will deliver this people from the power of the grave;
I will redeem them from death.
Where, O death, are your plagues?
Where, O grave, is your destruction?
“I will have no compassion," Hosea 13:14 NIV

⁵ “Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?” 1 Corinthians 15:55 NIV

^"17 For if by the one man’s offense death reigned through the one, much more those who receive abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness will reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ.)" Romans 5:17 NKJV

^"18 I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore. Amen. And I have the keys of Hades and of Death." Revelation 1:18 NKJV

^"10 Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer. Indeed, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and you will have tribulation ten days. Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life." Revelation 2:10 NKJV

I can only Imagine

I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When your face is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus,
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence,
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Hallelujah,
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine when all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory,
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus,
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence,
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Hallelujah,
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine, yeah
I can only imagine
I can only imagine, yeah, yeah, yeah

Surrounded by your glory,
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus,
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence,
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Hallelujah,
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine, yeah

I can only imagine, yeah, yeah
I can only imagine, Yeah
I can only imagine
I can only imagine, Ohh yeah
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when all I will do
is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine

Intertwine with Him

*Originally written on November 11th, 2010*

Due to weather, I've ran on my treadmill the last few times, and last week I ran after my girl appointment...a big day for me since I've not weighed myself for about a month, & along with some health concerns it was a day I was awaiting to get over with.  Well after that lovely appointment I ran my long run at home, and  once I reached 8.5 miles I decided to go and run the last 1.5 and make it 10 miles.  Well that last 1.5 miles were the ones God really spoke to me, but what was more amazing (and disgusting really) was I've never sweated like I did then in my life. It was a sticky thicker kinda sweat that seemed to ooze from everywhere yucko-ness.

To me, it felt like God was purging me of something, what I'm not entirely sure...maybe Ed and all my eating issues, maybe something else He has yet to reveal...

This week He just focused me on trusting Him and not always needing some proof or growth, but enjoying just the everyday with God and letting Him guide you in the way you should go...learning His voice and guidance within your own individual life and relationship with Him.

 Oh yes and His sunrise today was a beautiful blue & pink gently swirlled together.  With the sun shinning a dark gold behind the amber, and crimson leaves as it starts its decent.

It reminded me of how God has made us to intertwine with Him, for now and all eternity. How beautiful of a thought that is to me!

random thoughts from a few runs I thought I'd pass along!

Hugging the LORD

*Originally written October 27th, 2010*

As I ran today, it started to rain, first drop by drop, then it poured...it was awesome.

I had a slight fear of what the rain would bring, of how it would feel like to run it the rain by myself. While I have before, I haven't ever ran in the rain on the trail alone.  But I'm not alone, He is with me!  So through the fear I remembered how He had brought me through the rain, and just through the run itself, before and He would do it again.  As the rain began to get harder I just prayed for His former and latter rain, His Spirit, the gifts and fruits of the Holy Spirit.  I gazed upon the golden, red, and orange hues in the leaves and remembered Christ and all He has done for us, for me.  Once the rain slowed, God began to have me intercede for others, I just couldn't stop thinking of certain people, mainly two but a few others also.  For the first time I think He had me to run, not just for my own growth, but to move others' hearts back to Him. 

The Lord is hugging you, you just have to hug back.  He is awaiting for you to let down your walls of Gerico, let out a battle cry and let the walls down and go to Him!  Hug Him! Hug Him with all of yourself! Let it go and hold on to Him, leave it with Him.

Moring Run Together

*Originally written on September 4th, 2010*

There is a spot in my heart that only you can fill

There is a spot in Your heart that only I can fill

Thank You for coming and filling my heart and for giving me the desire and drive to fill Yours...

[I've been reading  Captivating by John & Staci Eldredge and just finished the Romanced section where they talk about how God wants to be romanced and wants to romance us, He wants an intimate relationship and it really put a desire in me to be romanced by God and to try and see how He reaches out daily to show me His unwavering love]

As I began my morning run with the Lord today, I turned on my ipod and began to listen to my music when I felt the Lord tell me to turn it off, that He wanted to sing to me. At first I wondered if I should, but then decided I could turn it off for a little while and if I got tired of silence I could always turn it back on. I was amazed at the music He played for me, just for me.

The orchestra of different insects harmonizing themselves and the breeze whistling softly.  Water trickling as the triangles, frogs adding their beat.  And then I saw God as the great conductor, tuning them all perfectly, and tuning myself also, my feet adding a unique drumming that only I can drum...my breath rhythmically playing notes only I can preform, no one else. I was part of the grand orchestra!

I passed over an opening of the trees and saw the beautiful sky, this day He paints a much softer hue than last time, with such a gentle heavenly glow about it.

"be still and know Me, be still and know that I AM GOD"

As I run I am still with you Lord, Speak to my heart, fill my heart in such a way, such a place only You can fill...let me embrace You and fill Your heart in such a way, such a place that only I can fill. That I was created and woven together just to fill.

I suddenly just wish He could hold me, embrace me, bear me against His chest and let me listen to His heartbeat...and then I open my eyes and beheld how He reached out to me through every branch, trying to embrace me, hold me close to Him, grasp me so tightly and securely...and then I hear it. Amongst the crickets I hear His heart beat, beating along side mine, I feel the warmth that flows out from His chest.  We go a ways this way, Him holding me tightly and me releasing myself, finally opening myself up to Him and all He is, opening places within myself I don't open to anyone, I don't bear upon anybody, the silent places and I release them to him. I hand it all to Him and feel comforted.  Then I smell Him, oh how His scent is amazing!
Better than anything heaven or earth, I soaked it in, absorbed it within myself.  His music continues to play, sometimes as soft as a whisper and sometimes more robust as an opera!

I hear machines in the background, at first it troubles me, but He reveals to me how even the roughness plays a part in the song, for it brings out the majisty of the rest!

Now the tune switches, it changes from God playing just for me to nature singing His praises!  Oh the glorious music and solos from the birds, the grand choir of nature giving their all to show His glory and honor and majesty.  Showing their love and adoration to Him!  and yet still in the background His heart beats alongside my own.

I then begin to hear footsteps with mine, I glance behind me and see no one, we are alone, alone with nature, I am alone with the Lord.  I hear His feet running with mine now, and a smile forms on my face...then He runs past me, and as I turn the corner I see Him, His light brightly shining through the trees past the corner and I speed up to meet Him there.  As I'm running toward Him I realize how dark it had become...you never realize how dark the darkness truly is until you see the honesty of the light.

We run together again, His presence helps me press forward and after a while, we begin to race!  I feel his joy and laughter as we push ourselves faster, and then just slow down and laugh as He grasps me once more.

As I near the end of our run, I begin to slowdown and walk with Him, soak up more of Him before we're through, and He shows me all the glorious morning glories, oh how beautiful they are!  All the purple and white, and then I see this small blue morning glory all alone, radiating the love of God.

"You are unique" He tells me "Small but mighty through Me! You are far more beautiful then these"

Thank you for filling my heart Lord, thank you for revealing Yours to me and allowing me to fill it in such a way that only I can fill. Thank you for spending Your time, Your morning with me, for wanting to spend Your morning romancing me!  Showing me Your love, your beauty and splendor!

God's cleansing stream is our river of life.

*Originally written on August 27th, 2010*

The few months before my father passed, while he was on hospice, they had a psychologist come over and talk to him and help him deal with some of his feelings to prepare him to take the final & grandest step of all, the step to be with our Lord & Savior.  I am starting to feel like this is what the Lord is doing to me right now, although not to take my final step, but a step to a closer walk with him.

Moses lead the Israelites out of Egypt & into the desert for there 40-year trial until they were ready for the promise land.  But before they even entered the desert, He lead them through the red sea by parting it, & then had them turn aside to Him for instructions before they even began the desert adventure.  Right now, I think I am crossing the Red sea, but instead of parting the waters on either side of me, He's letting them flow all around me, drenching me though my entire core.  Knocking down the walls I didn't even realize I had built up all to keep the waters out.

I've really had to relook at not only how I view myself & my goals, but all of it in perspective of my relationship with my heavenly Father.  Does what I'm doing really matter?  Does it edify Christ?  Is it helping blossom my walk with the Lord God Almighty?

I was listening to Joice Myers with my mother one morning and she said something that really spoke to me...she was talking about thoughts and whining and the such, using herself as an example, & said that one time while whining to God (I'm paraphrasing) He said to her 'you have asked a lot of me, now do you want it or not?'  How many times do we ask God for things, but when He tries to shape and prepare us for the blessing, we decide its not worth it?

By letting God chastise us, were growing closer to him. By accepting His blessings we are building our relationship with Him, & our love grows all the more.  But whenever we reject a blessing because we don't want the struggle, we are in a way rejecting God...were saying that we really don't want a closer relationship with you thanks anyway, your just not worth the struggle.  We cannot even fathom everything God the Father & Christ went through to save us through the cross, all because we were worth it to him, but after all that, we have the nerve to tell Him he's not?

I'm not just going to let God break down my walls, I want to help!  I want anything I can do to get closer to Him. I found I put so much importance on trivial things-running, health, food, physical relationships & intimacy, money & finances, job, an education-but really the only thing that truly matters, the only thing really worth fighting for is God.  I will step out of the boat for Him, I will tear down the walls of false protection and let his clensing stream wash over me...so I can have rivers of life flow through me and lead me on to life everlasting with Him

God Spots

*originally written on May 28th, 2010*

I was walking on the treadmill (since everyone is against me running till next week due to me being sick recently) and I was listening to Perry Stone on i-touch, 3 episodes of the Manna-Fest and the last one was "Revisit the place of the last visitation" or something of the sort on going back to the places the Lord really spoke to you, or visited you.  I really got to thinking about that idea...it got me thinking about where God has really showed to presence to me, where I have felt him the most.  That would definitely be outside in nature, one of my favorite ways to really reach and connect with the Lord is running on a trail, with trees, wind, sun, clouds, moon, stars, flowers, waters, mountains...I mean how can you NOT see the AWESOMENESS of God!  Truly all nature sings the majesty and fear of our Heavenly Father!  The world is his masterpiece and as an artist and art lover (& tree-hugger lol), I guess that might be why that's where I feel closest to him. That & its in my blood, my father lovedoutside, I think he truly expressed the nature God truly created within him. My grandmother on my mom's side also loves planting & has always had one of the greenest thumbs I've ever seen (besides my Dad's-no one's is as green as my Dad's is) & this love has been transferred into my mother now, & so I'm basically getting it on all sides!
It reminds me of the book the Giving Tree (it is a short read if you haven't) but in the book the boy always returns to the the tree thoughout his life whenever he needed something, even just a place to rest and feel loved & cared for, even as an old man, and that is what it reminds me of.  The Lord comforts me, holds me & shows himself whenever I am out in his creation, in his world he made that was very good...that he made especially for us to enjoy, respect, & take care of.
Anyhoo, my question to you is...
...So where is your God spot?

To understand thyself...

*Originally wrote on May 15th, 2010*

You would think being a 24 [soon-to-be quarter of a century old person hot diggity dogness] I would understand my workings more.  I honestly question what I really do know, truely know about me...I used to know what I did NOT like to eat, but found out as I got older that I pretty much like everything, and I absolutely love all the things I hate...veggies and right now onions and mushrooms (yummness).  So if this is just with food how sad that I don't honestly know much on myself.  I don't know what my subconscious really is thinking, pondering upon.  I seem to recently be having a weight issue, although mine is considered a blessing to some, if it is its the worst kind.  I can't seem to keep my weight up, and I am getting to the point where I wonder what its really going on in my head, what do I really feel like that must be holding me back from getting back to my healthy weight?  I've handed the whole thing over to God...at least I speak that everyday but I must be keeping some part or I would be past this...its made me question everything I do think I know about anything really.  I mean, is there anything that I am certain I know about myself?
My faith!  I KNOW I'm a child of the most high God, I KNOW Jesus Christ died for me, is in my heart, and I KNOW AND LOVE our relationship and all the little ways he speaks to me...the way he reveals himself and his immense love for me, a love that sadly would be the aspect I don't understand really. Why I'll never know, but I don't have to I guess, I'm having a hard enough time figuring myself out much less somebody that states that "my thoughts are above your thoughts, and my ways above your ways, for as the heavens are higher than the earth so are my thoughts than your thoughts, and my ways, your ways" Isiah 55:8-9 (all from memory so I may be off a tink)
I know I love nature, I love plants and fresh air, I care about the environment, hugging trees, and am the kind of person that gets excited about watching things grow!  I never feel as connected to the Lord as I do outside, its like his art gallery, each tree has its own character and is unique touch it adds to everything around it...each leaf, every flower and flower petal, body of water and the whole world that opens up I won't even start on.  I feel at peace outside, connected to him. I love to run, especially outside, around nature!  There is just something about running along with trees, grass, and the warmth of life all around.  How somebody couldn't feel close to Christ I'll never understand.
I love art, painting with my friend is my latest thing, but I've always enjoyed art,  museums, theatre, music, dance, and everything else included.  I've drawn mostly myself, although I also enjoy sowing quits, crocheting, cooking (which I consider an art), scrapbooking, and I'm up for trying just about anything artsyish!  Seeing people through art, seeing their souls in small pieces, its one of the beautiful things in this world.
I love my family. I feel so blessed that God gave me the family I have, even with all their quirks and problems.  Amongst my parents fights, my father's brain tumor &  temper, the over-emotionalness of pretty much everyone, and all the other things my family is so totally awesome.  My father made sure we loved each other, regardless if we wanted to and I'm so thankful.  My sisters love me so much, and while we fight and they annoy the heck out of me sometimes, they truely care and I adore being with them always.  I love my mother, the walking definition of mother. She bakes, cooks, cleans, gardens, paints, sows, quilts, croches...the women grows her own yeast to make her own homemade bread for goodness sake.  But mostly she loves the Lord with all her heart, mind, soul, & strength and although she's not perfect by any means, I look up dearly to her.   My father was almost the same, aside from the temper & tumor he was still an awesome dad.  He had a wondeful sense of humor, could grow anything, fix most anything, and honestly knew most everything, but mostly he was a family man. He was good with computers, medical stuff, math, english, history, and was the best at being a dad.  This took me a while to realize, but he tried with all his being to be the perfect father and have the family he never got to have, and thanks to him he are the close family we are.  I will never trade the time I got to take care of him near the end of the life...never in a million lifetimes. I am also thankful for non-blood family, my best friend I would never trade, and she is probably the only non related person who has never stopped believing or loving me...her parents took the role as my parents also (my second set lol) and her family became my family also. We can read each other and I feel that we really are related, although not according to legal standards.
All this doesn't help that I still am no closer to discovering my inner mental issues I have, but what did I really expect just typing on a blog would really reveal?  That I like to ramble a bit too much?  I have discovered at least a few things I am certain of, my 'firm foundation' that we all need. ..As long as I keep handing it over to the Lord, I know he'll get me though this, and I'll discover new things about myself along the way!
If you survived my first blog EVER...congrats!  Be kind in judgments is all I ask...