Trust and Thorns

It's sad when you lose trust in someone, especially when it's someone you care about...but what about when it's yourself?

I've been talking with someone everyday for almost a month now (the small highlights of my day honestly) and something he's helped me realize is how little trust I have in myself.

For instance, on losing weight...I can't trust myself to lose weight on my own judgement since the last time I did that I lost so much weight I almost lost my job and had to find a counselor or someone at work to talk to. That would be how I met one of my best pals ever, my brother-in-Christ Russell.  But I also have a fear of trusting myself to just eat like I want cause I don't trust myself to stop eating when I should. 

Another I've just recently realized is my passionate side. I find I am a VERY passionate person, to the point I don't trust myself with them, at all. I tend to tie them up, lock them, and hide them somewhere deep inside. Either out of insecurities, or I think just fear of what I would do if I were to let go. I also hide them with my perfectionism, striving to be perfect at not giving in, not letting myself out of my box. but what happens if I want out? When I do finally meet that God-given person, how do I let them in, how do I let my reins loose?  When I get married, how on earth do I plan to ever make love when I'm scared to let myself touch them, when I'm scared to be touched...How do I get myself to let go of all my constraints and take down all the walls I've built?

This is why I don't draw anymore I think, I drew things I was passionate about, but over the years I've locked them so tight I can't get myself to be inspired to draw anything anymore.

How do I earn my own trust back?

(So I guess maybe this is why I'm not the best at swimming either lol)

How do I stop fearing myself, fearing my passionate side...and most of all, how do I let someone else see the real me, feel the real me. Especially when I'm not even sure who the real me is anymore.

All things cannot be fixed without realizing they need to be so I find it a blessing that I've at least grown to a point I see this. My focus has changed from being consumed over a number on a scale and body fat percentage to my inner workings (at least partly changed-my weight still bugs me). It's the reason I love the quote I posted on Facebook today so much.

"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses." Alphonse Karr (French novelist)

Sometimes it takes hurt and sometimes you will bleed to get the perfect rose.  Now I've got to choose which part of me will I let win, the thorn or the flower.

Birthday Love Blessings

I have to say I am so blessed.  Today is my birthday, and these past few days have been amazing!  I never really feel like I matter all that much, that I've influenced that many people, or that that many people really care. You never really feel like you make an impact sometimes, but the love people have shown me this year amazes me.  It's meant more to me than any of them know.

It started Friday leaving work, when I was leaving & found everyone trying to make sure I got my birthday card and left with birthday hugs from all my coworkers!  I felt so amazed and loved, I mean, how many people can say they received birthday hugs from everyone they work with :) It was a wonderful way to start my birthday weekend!

Then Friday evening I got to hangout with an old friend and catch up. Saturday I had a goof off day at the mall, and some wonderful cooking from my brother-in-law & sister Tina. Nicole called to have us over for dinner which made me feel oober special, although we had to take a rain check. Sunday was blessed with help from a friend, a good conversation, and my sister Elena giving me a pre-birthday cookie.  Marie came over with my niece Charlotte Monday. Tuesday (my actual birthday) I got to visit with my Aunt Paulette, go eat at a fancy french restaurant Petit Lapin, and then went to see Captain America in 3D! Then my grandma Donna came to see me and eat my mom's homemade spinach and mushroom lasagna, and Elena made me some actual birthday peanut butter cookies!  Top that with all the many birthday wishes on facebook, and ending with Marie's blog-I have never felt more loved.

The family's main celebration is this weekend (with Elena's making some fancy foodage-yayness and some surprise) but even now I feel so blessed to have the family I do have! They have taken so much time and made me feel so special and loved...there are no words to adequately express how I feel honestly.

A friend took the time to make me something I'm excitedly waiting to get, but even without any gifts, I have to say I have never felt so loved before and that means so much, it was the best birthday I think I've ever had and I  will never forget it.  In the back of my mind I still remember that it's also the 1-year anniversary of my furry son, my phatcat kitty man Casper's gruesome death, but everyone has made it so much easier for me to handle.  To have so much love shown to me, I honestly am not sure I really deserve it.

What have I done to deserve all these wonderful people I have been blessed to have in my life, all these people to reserve a place in their heart, day, & lives for me....I don't know but is awesome.

God has blessed me so much, with so many people and their love, I couldn't ask for more :)

So thank you all...for loving me, just the way I am

 *In honor of my Phatman of Love*

Through little I can change the world, one soul at a time.

56. Getting sucked into a really good book

 57.  raindrops slowly dripping down my face

 58. A good massage, whether professional or just at home

59. A feeling after a good adjustment.

60. Helping people achieve their dreams


This is one I've just realized. Recently, I reached my 3 year anniversary at Life University's Library (now named the Sid E. & Nell K. Williams library) and after befriending on Facebook a few graduating students to keep in touch I understand why God has placed me there. Seeing the passion and joy really speaks to me.

It lets you know although I am not much, I do much...
Through little I can change the world, one soul at a time. 

My Joshua Tree

*Originally written on March 12th, 2011*

I'm currently reading a new book, The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls, A Memoir...and although the beginning was kinda slow, I've really started to enjoy it.  Before I even hit 50 pages, I've already had a few lines speak to me.

It wasn't just any tree. It was an ancient Joshua tree. It stood in a crease of land where the desert ended and the mountain began, forming a wind tunnel. From the time the Joshua tree was a tiny sapling, it had been so beaten down by the whipping wind that, rather than trying to grow skyward, it had grown in the direction that the wind pushed it. It existed now in a permanent state of windblownness, leaning over so far that it seemed ready to topple, although, in fact, its roots held it firmly in place...One time I saw a tiny Joshua tree sapling growing not too far from the old tree, I wanted to dig it up and replant it near our house. I told Mom that I would protect it from the wind and water it every day so that it could grow nice and tall and straight.

Mom frowned at me. "You'd be destroying what makes it special," she said. "It's the Joshua tree's struggle that gives it its beauty."

 Now I know we've all heard variations of this type of story, I remember Joyce Meyer's using a version with a baby eagle, but there are so many elements to this one that make it reach me even deeper.  First off I love the name of the tree, it reminds me of Joshua in the bible, like the tree standing strong he was one of the only two Israelites who left Egypt to get to see the promise land after 40 years in the dessert.  Because he had faith in his God and knew that God kept His word.

 "No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life; as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and of good courage, for to this people you shall divide as an inheritance the land which I swore to their fathers to give them. Only be strong and very courageous, that you may observe to do according to all the law which Moses My servant commanded you; do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may prosper wherever you go.  This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:5-9

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." 1 Corinthians 10:13

All those who have accepted Christ are children of God, we are sons and daughters! Heirs of the King!  But we, just as the Joshua tree was made to withstand the wind and dessert weather, are made to withstand.

"Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. ¹¹ Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,^[c] against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." Ephesians 6:10-13

Its our struggle against all the opposing forces that shape us into who we are. If we never had any battles, we would never learn how strong our heavenly Father is, how much He loves us, adores us...like any relationship its the hard times that help the relationship blossom and the two people together even more.  We learn more of God's character, and more of the character He created us with. 

A friend of mine on facebook put up two statuses that God spoke to me though at around the same time:

"When you believe in Jesus you are saved, when you realize that Jesus believes in you, it will radically mess you up!!!!"

and "Jesus came to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable"

The more you learn and trust in Jesus and His unmerited favor (grace) that He blesses us with if we choose to accept it, the more battles we will have to endure to truly grasp even a fraction of the love Christ really has for us.  Until you have a hard battle, you never know you could endure that battle through His strength.  Until Peter stepped out of the boat to walk on the water, He never knew that through Christ, he could.  Before Job lost everything he had built around himself, he never knew-or would have probably believed-that he even could endure so much hardship though our Father. He never understood or grasped a fraction of the full power and love of the amazing YAH. I never knew I would be able to endure a Father with a tumor for 15 years, an eating disorder, running 13.1 miles, or even my biggest battle I'm currently undergoing~myself, until He brought me though all of them (and still is) with His peace and love. Holding me the whole way, cradling me, embracing me and capturing all my tears, crying some of His own while watching me go though these battles.  We have to be afflicted to find the true comfort that comes from Jesus. 

On a date, hiking Sweet Water Creek, Ga., after our picnic walking back we passed a tree covered in knotts and while my date thought it was hidious, I found it strangly intreguing, beautiful.  I think this is how the world sees us, our battles look ugly and they don't understand. They are outside of His peace, they are looking down at the problem and down at themselves. But through the eyes of God, when we keep our focus on things above, on Christ, on our Father above who guides us through His love, we are beautiful! 
We, like the little girl, try to protect ourselves, hide from the hardships, from the wind of the world that tries to tear out our roots, but that will just kill us, destroy our beauty. We cannot grow strong without something (or someone) to fight against. 

When we are planted in Christ...having done all, we WILL STAND no matter how the wind pulls at us. No matter how the battle is perceived from the outside world.  

And while we feel ugly, forgotten and alone in the cold dessert night, all the time God stands beside us, painting our lives into a personal and unique masterpiece, beautiful and unlike any other on earth.

my next painting, I think I too want to paint a Joshua tree...my Joshua tree...

(Jump in de line, rock your body in time) OK, I believe you!

*Originally written on March 4th, 2011*

"Mister!" he said with a sawdusty sneeze,
"I am the Lorax. I speak for the trees.
I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues...."

The Lorax, by Dr. Seuss, had to be my absolute favorite Dr. Seuss book/movie ever...and still is actually.  I'm not sure why, or what exactly it is about that story, but it spoke to me at a very young age, & gets me still today.  March 2nd was celebrated as Dr. Seuss day in honor of Theodor Seuss Geisel, more popularly known as the beloved Dr. Seuss, who celebrated his 107th birthday.  In honor of this, Life University had a reading day where we could volunteer to read to the BrightLife daycare children one of his books.  They provided some but mine wasn't listed so I brought it and read it to the preschoolers.  Reading the story to them really brought back memories, and made me realize that it was this very book, this very movie, that first sparked the inner tree-hugger.  It is what made me an environmentalist and nature-lover.  I remember every earth day I would get so excited because I knew they were going to play the movie! 

It's funny how such little, insignificant things can speak such volumes into lives.  Things you don't think twice on like a tired teacher popping in The Lorax movie for earth day so she can take a break and get some things done. Never realizing the life she just changed by that one movie.

I was reminded of this again today when at work I was emotionally about to just crack, all I could do at that second to keep my sanity and try to hide from my coworkers that I was about to cry was just think on how I really wanted a hug (...maybe I'd facebook that, or facebooka particular friend who I knew gave awesome hugs...) and justas I was thinking that as I stared at my computer screen trying not to cry, guess who surprised me with a hello?  It would be the one friend I wanted a hug from, I needed a hug from!  I'm sure when he came into the library that morning he didn't know that his normal stopping by the reference desk to greet me would end up answering my silent prayer.  But it did, it kept me together the rest of the day...and all it was, was a really good true hug.

How we live our lives, even in the small steps of our days, impact so many others it gets me thinking, how do I live my life?  How do I live the aspects of my life that I don't think about?  How do I live out the details?  

As the Switchfoot song, This is Your Life song goes:

"Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken
Don’t close your eyes, don’t close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you’ve got now
Yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose..."

 When running today, I kept trying so hard to not think on all the emotional things going on in my head, & focus on God and what's funny is first God had my ipod play a song that was about trying to escape from your own thoughts and fears, and then He played

Harry Belafonte (Herold George Belafonte)'s Jump in the Line (Shake., Senora)

I couldn't help but think back on the movie Bettlejuice where Winona Ryder floats & dances to this song & couldn't help but being amused.  I looked at the sun that was softly shining upon me through a light, perfect cloud covering, I could just see God smiling at me I telling me plainly to lighten up, not to take life so seriously.

Then of course I spent the next few seconds 'dancing' while running to this song, & it had to be the highlight of my run!   But it also revealed to me that I'm not truly who God intended me to me unless I am relaxed in Him.  When we are stressed, worried, fearful, angry, etc. we lose a part of ourselves.

When we are experiencing these emotions, what kind of impact are we going to leave?  Small or large, just the lack of a smile on your face can make or break someones day (which I have honestly experienced at work multiple times with stressed students).

How to fix this?  I don't know honestly, but I know this, by keeping my eyes on Christ, through His death on the cross and by God's unmerited, unearned favor (grace), I come closer to the answer. I learn to love as Christ loved, to live a life just a bit more like He lived, to walk in such a way and shine my light in such a way as to bring glory and honor to His name and use the best of myself to impact others-to impact the world, one small touch at a time.

I just finished reading Unmerited Favor by Joseph Prince which I highlyrecommend by-the-way, and in the last chapter he talks about Jesus with the leper-where the leper, while believing that God could heal & had the ability to heal him, wondered if God was willing to heal him.  And how did Jesus heal him?  "Jesus put out His hand and touched him, saying, 'I am willing; be cleansed'" Matthew 8:3...that one small thing, a single touch meant more to this leper than anything else. Someone who NEVER gets touched. Here is Joseph Prince's writings on this:

He did not touch every person that He healed. At times, He simply spoke and the sick were healed.  But in this case, Jesus stretched out His hand and touched the leper tenderly. I believe that Jesus did this to heal him not just of his leprosy, but also of the emotional scars that he had received from years of rejection.

You never know what a mere touch can do for someone...that's what I experienced this morning.  You never know what a silly time-wasting cartoon movie can do for a child, but I learned it can shape that child into who they grow up to become...I bet Dr. Seuss never knew that just by writing his silly thoughts & ides down, his silly stories and make believe world, he would havesuch an impact on children around the world to this day and will continue.  As little read as this blog is, who knows what random person I may reach out there who I'll never meet or even know exists...

"And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
was a small pile of rocks, with one word...
"UNLESS."
Whatever that meant, well, I just couldn't guess...
"But now," says the Once-ler,
"Now that you're here,
the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear...