Comfort for my Soul

I look to you my God, for all that I am. For my worth, you take my shame, for my hope, you take my fears. You hold my heart and guide my soul.

Oh how I long for your embrace, your touch each day. Seeking your face each moment with each breath I take. Hold me oh my Father, place your cheek against mine, rest your heavenly face atop mine as I hide myself in all of you.  Your warmth resonating within me and dripping out between each finger and toe.  As I type I know you are looking upon me smiling.

Thank you for all that you are, thank you for all that you put into making me, and thank you for who you will help me to become.  May I bring honor and glory to your name.

Running in Heavenly Fog

Running today, the beauty of autumn still lingers as winter begins to take hold.

The Holy Spirit begins to settle all around me as a fog, I run towards it and He fills my lungs. As I breathe Him in He revitalizes me. Filling my lungs with each breath, releasing all the negative events of late.

One little tear at a time, the Lord begins to cry, cry for all those hurt and hurting, cry for the unfathomable love He feels for each and every one of us as He walks with us every moment of every day. He helps me release and all of the sudden I take off. Running faster and faster...all my emotions out, my fears out, my sorrow, running myself out so I can let more of Him in.

I run as fast as I can till I have nothing left.  Then the rain changes, from tear drops of understanding to his baptism. With every drop I am reborn in His image.  Recreated within His love. I feel a bond with all the nature around me, I become one with all of His creation. We running with Him....and I feel empowered!

Now I run quickly again, but not because of running away, not to empty my spirit but to fill it!  I can't get enough of His presence. I want more of Him, bless me oh Lord, BLESS ME.

Fog lies before me again and as my body tires I push myself toward it, I need to reach it. To feel His embrace once more and as I finally approach it I feel an intense love for me, one I don't understand.  One I don't deserve but gladly accept.

I finish my run with a new rejuvenated focus on my Heavenly Father and a greater connection with nature.  I needed this and praise the Lord for those in my life who understand this bond, and help motivate me to move beyond my fears of failure, of others hurting me, and most of all my fear of letting others down and what they want for me instead of worrying about letting myself down. Of figuring out what I want for me.  I realize due to my past I've created, to keep myself away from myself.

I cannot wait to rediscover who this Child of Christ really is, once she lets go of everything holding her back.

Closings

There is a song by Semisonic that says "Closing time...every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

I can only believe that God 'popped' it into my brain because it really spoke to me today, while I walked outside in the gorgeous weather...to my car so I can drive to the gym and workout instead of running outside on the trail. Why?  My stalker of course, while nothing more has happened, since this would be the second scare (I've had one previously a few years back), I told everyone I wouldn't run on the trail alone for awhile.

It's just now, with the time change keeping it sunny much later and the amazing temperatures and gentle breeze that this truly becomes difficult.


I've really been working at not letting it steal my joy, not letting the creepo that sent me those stupid texts, or the old man who authored the crazy letter I now have to keep forever, to take that from me also.  It's kind of ironic, I started as a social runner and really had to work at adjusting to running alone, to accepting that no one wanted to run with me.  But now I've grown so accustomed to running with the Lord and having that quiet-time, quality alone-time with Him in nature that the idea of only being able to run with others is  hard for me to accept. Yes, supposedly after a while I should be able to run alone again on the trail, but will it ever be the same, or will I always be worrying someone, perhaps occasionally myself, every-time I do?

All I can think of is that maybe God is using this to close that door, and open another.  I've always wanted the person that God has for me to be someone I can do stuff with and not feel like I annoy them, be active with, hold hands and just hangout with. Someone who would enjoy being around me always, loving me, and take part in my healthy lifestyle.  So maybe this is in preparation for that person. Maybe the Lord took everyone away from me for a time to help my relationship with Him to cultivate, strengthen.  And now that I have an unshakable bond with Him, now that I know and am completely confident that He really is all I need no matter what, He is beginning to prepare for uniting me with my soul mate.

Honestly this thought made me jealous of my private-time with God, will I never get that once I am married?  What will become of my runs with the Lord?  And then it came to me, why can't I share my God-time with my future-spouse? If we really are uniting and becoming one flesh, then shouldn't we bond with our heavenly Father together? His relationship with God is a major part of what I look for in a person, shouldn't we share and grow that relationship together?  This doesn't mean I wont get my own moments with just God as His daughter, but maybe my solitary long runs with Him are meant to one day be shared with a third person...what's the harm in that?  There's enough God in this universe to share.

This is just another step in preparation for bringing into my life whomever the Lord has for me.

Unattainable Love

"I, I have wasted so much time

Pushing You away from me

I just never saw how You could cherish me

'Cause You're a God who has all things And still You want me

And I need You to love me

And I, I won't keep my heart from You this time

And I'll stop this pretending that I can

Somehow deserve what I already have..."

I Need You to Love Me by BarlowGirl 

This song really spoke to me today, there is just something to think about there for me. 

Of all the men I've dated I have to say that the last guy would be the one that intimated me the most...I guess while I was attracted to them all he was the most attractive to me (in all manners) and I often wondered why on earth he would want to date me in the first place.  When he asked I thought it was either a joke or he was just wanting something I wasn't willing to give out.  But every time he would stop by to talk to me I wondered what a guy like that would ever see in me.  Of all the girls available and I'm sure he could of dated any, why some dorky, quirky librarian girl who's really only known for walking outside around the library building while reading...still not sure really...

And he's nothing in comparison to God, my word. If I had a hard time with just a silly guy I didn't even date that long, how on earth could I honestly fully grasp the entirety of the love of my Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven & Earth.  He hand-crafted and hand-formed each and every one of us. His thoughts regarding us individually began before our beginning.  He could create any type of person He wanted, someone more talented, loving, caring, intelligent. Someone who hasn't screwed up as many times, who listens more and obeys more.

God comes to grow close towards me and I have the hardest times really understanding why.

Pushing away the unattainable seems to be my trend whether it be people, goals, or ideals. I try to push those things I don't believe I can have or I don't deserve.  What do I deserve?  Hell? Isolation?  Without Christ yes, but through Him I have this infinitely larger than life love, forgiveness, and grace bestowed unto me.. I have His plans for me. I'm not sure which is harder-accepting this amazing love or understanding why. 

Maybe it's not about undersanding, it's about believing. Isn't that what faith is all about?  Without faith it is impossible to please God because without faith it is impossible to fully grasp hold of Him.   

"Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near: Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." 

Isaiah 55: 6-9 KJV

God is calling to grow close towards you. Don't try to understand why, just accept through faith.

Reflection

"Celebrate your uniqueness and rejoice in the future God has planed for you. Be confident and start enjoying you!" Joyce Myers from The Confident Women Devotional

So while at the gym today I watched the new show The Revolution, and the style dude made a challenge for everyone to find a trait they like about themselves and dress to show it off all week.

So while watching the rest of the show I tried to think of what I thought my best asset was...then I continued this pondering while running errands with my mother, before my bath while staring at myself naked, and afterwards, in my pjs....then came to the conclusion that I cannot think of a single cotton-pickin' thing.

Staring into the mirror, it's not that I think myself unattractive necessarily, I just can't seem to see it currently.  I know that what is being reflected from the mirror isn't my actual appearance because it differs depending upon who is observing it. All that is being revealed is the person I see myself as within my own mind.

While I know logically there probably is something, I don't feel it right now.  I know logically that I'm not fat or huge, I know logically one cannot feel fat, you either are or aren't-that doesn't stop me from feeling it. 

I feel fat, I feel ugly...so sue me.  I'm not going to lie just because it's illogical; since when did a women's feelings EVER become logical in the first place? The words don't mix.

I would probably drive Spock insane.

The difference is that just because I feel fat and ugly, doesn't mean I think on it, or focus on it.  I acknowledge that is how I feel because I don't see the point in lying about it, but I also acknowledge that the feelings are probably to most untrue and choose to think on other things.

It's hard to 'celebrate my uniqueness' when I don't honestly feel that unique (yes those pesky feelings again I know) I guess I'm not that confident. My mind replays all the classic good christian responses.

"God doesn't make junk (or trash)"
"I was beautifully and wonderfully made"
"I was made in God's image, carefully hand-formed"
Psalm 139
"Pray for God to reveal your talents"
"You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength"
"You're good at lots of things..."

I myself have said these to others struggling, and yet when thinking them to myself, find very little comfort or warmth. I have wrote blogs on what I like about myself but cant seem to connect to them currently.  So what to do?  I shave my legs, put a small, but loose, tee and my little red shorts. TELL myself in my head, "no matter what you think, what you feel-you know you are beautiful, and deserve to be treated with love and respect. You are a nice person, and should therefore be nice to yourself, regardless of your feelings at the moment. You have a purpose, through Christ Jesus"

"Even if you are finding difficulty loving yourself, you are still loved. You will always be loved by and for Him, regardless"

After that, I busy myself with chores of the night and good conversation. Write a basically pointless venting blog, and decide to write a letter to my friend.