"I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things And still You want me
And I need You to love me
And I, I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have..."
I Need You to Love Me by BarlowGirl
This song really spoke to me today, there is just something to think about there for me.
Of all the men I've dated I have to say that the last guy would be the one that intimated me the most...I guess while I was attracted to them all he was the most attractive to me (in all manners) and I often wondered why on earth he would want to date me in the first place. When he asked I thought it was either a joke or he was just wanting something I wasn't willing to give out. But every time he would stop by to talk to me I wondered what a guy like that would ever see in me. Of all the girls available and I'm sure he could of dated any, why some dorky, quirky librarian girl who's really only known for walking outside around the library building while reading...still not sure really...
And he's nothing in comparison to God, my word. If I had a hard time with just a silly guy I didn't even date that long, how on earth could I honestly fully grasp the entirety of the love of my Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven & Earth. He hand-crafted and hand-formed each and every one of us. His thoughts regarding us individually began before our beginning. He could create any type of person He wanted, someone more talented, loving, caring, intelligent. Someone who hasn't screwed up as many times, who listens more and obeys more.
God comes to grow close towards me and I have the hardest times really understanding why.
Pushing away the unattainable seems to be my trend whether it be people, goals, or ideals. I try to push those things I don't believe I can have or I don't deserve. What do I deserve? Hell? Isolation? Without Christ yes, but through Him I have this infinitely larger than life love, forgiveness, and grace bestowed unto me.. I have His plans for me. I'm not sure which is harder-accepting this amazing love or understanding why.
Maybe it's not about undersanding, it's about believing. Isn't that what faith is all about? Without faith it is impossible to please God because without faith it is impossible to fully grasp hold of Him.
"Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near: Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55: 6-9 KJV
God is calling to grow close towards you. Don't try to understand why, just accept through faith.