Thursday, January 19, 2012

Unattainable Love

"I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me

'Cause You're a God who has all things And still You want me

And I need You to love me
And I, I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have..."

I Need You to Love Me by BarlowGirl 

This song really spoke to me today, there is just something to think about there for me. 

Of all the men I've dated I have to say that the last guy would be the one that intimated me the most...I guess while I was attracted to them all he was the most attractive to me (in all manners) and I often wondered why on earth he would want to date me in the first place.  When he asked I thought it was either a joke or he was just wanting something I wasn't willing to give out.  But every time he would stop by to talk to me I wondered what a guy like that would ever see in me.  Of all the girls available and I'm sure he could of dated any, why some dorky, quirky librarian girl who's really only known for walking outside around the library building while reading...still not sure really...

And he's nothing in comparison to God, my word. If I had a hard time with just a silly guy I didn't even date that long, how on earth could I honestly fully grasp the entirety of the love of my Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven & Earth.  He hand-crafted and hand-formed each and every one of us. His thoughts regarding us individually began before our beginning.  He could create any type of person He wanted, someone more talented, loving, caring, intelligent. Someone who hasn't screwed up as many times, who listens more and obeys more.
God comes to grow close towards me and I have the hardest times really understanding why.

Pushing away the unattainable seems to be my trend whether it be people, goals, or ideals. I try to push those things I don't believe I can have or I don't deserve.  What do I deserve?  Hell? Isolation?  Without Christ yes, but through Him I have this infinitely larger than life love, forgiveness, and grace bestowed unto me.. I have His plans for me. I'm not sure which is harder-accepting this amazing love or understanding why. 

Maybe it's not about undersanding, it's about believing. Isn't that what faith is all about?  Without faith it is impossible to please God because without faith it is impossible to fully grasp hold of Him.   

"Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near: Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." 
Isaiah 55: 6-9 KJV

God is calling to grow close towards you. Don't try to understand why, just accept through faith.

Monday, January 16, 2012


"Celebrate your uniqueness and rejoice in the future God has planed for you. Be confident and start enjoying you!" Joyce Myers from The Confident Women Devotional

So while at the gym today I watched the new show The Revolution, and the style dude made a challenge for everyone to find a trait they like about themselves and dress to show it off all week.

So while watching the rest of the show I tried to think of what I thought my best asset was...then I continued this pondering while running errands with my mother, before my bath while staring at myself naked, and afterwards, in my pjs....then came to the conclusion that I cannot think of a single cotton-pickin' thing.

Staring into the mirror, it's not that I think myself unattractive necessarily, I just can't seem to see it currently.  I know that what is being reflected from the mirror isn't my actual appearance because it differs depending upon who is observing it. All that is being revealed is the person I see myself as within my own mind.

While I know logically there probably is something, I don't feel it right now.  I know logically that I'm not fat or huge, I know logically one cannot feel fat, you either are or aren't-that doesn't stop me from feeling it. 

I feel fat, I feel sue me.  I'm not going to lie just because it's illogical; since when did a women's feelings EVER become logical in the first place? The words don't mix.

I would probably drive Spock insane.

The difference is that just because I feel fat and ugly, doesn't mean I think on it, or focus on it.  I acknowledge that is how I feel because I don't see the point in lying about it, but I also acknowledge that the feelings are probably to most untrue and choose to think on other things.

It's hard to 'celebrate my uniqueness' when I don't honestly feel that unique (yes those pesky feelings again I know) I guess I'm not that confident. My mind replays all the classic good christian responses.

"God doesn't make junk (or trash)"
"I was beautifully and wonderfully made"
"I was made in God's image, carefully hand-formed"
Psalm 139
"Pray for God to reveal your talents"
"You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength"
"You're good at lots of things..."

I myself have said these to others struggling, and yet when thinking them to myself, find very little comfort or warmth. I have wrote blogs on what I like about myself but cant seem to connect to them currently.  So what to do?  I shave my legs, put a small, but loose, tee and my little red shorts. TELL myself in my head, "no matter what you think, what you feel-you know you are beautiful, and deserve to be treated with love and respect. You are a nice person, and should therefore be nice to yourself, regardless of your feelings at the moment. You have a purpose, through Christ Jesus"

"Even if you are finding difficulty loving yourself, you are still loved. You will always be loved by and for Him, regardless"

After that, I busy myself with chores of the night and good conversation. Write a basically pointless venting blog, and decide to write a letter to my friend.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Be Your Own Kind Of Beautiful, His Kind Of Beautiful


Psalm 139

King James Version (KJV)

Psalm 139

 1O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
 2Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
 3Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
 4For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.
 5Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
 6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
 7Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
 8If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
 9If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
 10Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
 11If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
 12Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
 13For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.
 14I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
 15My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
 16Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
 17How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
 18If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
 19Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.
 20For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.
 21Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?
 22I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.
 23Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
 24And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Something quick that's been on my mind...I've been thinking about and talking with  my mother about the beauty of nature & she made a comment about if the world so beautiful  now just imagine what it will be like in heaven.   I realized how  unique & beautiful we are....if nature is that amazing, and when we see angels we think how beautiful they are & yet we were made in the image of God!  How awesome is that!  

Right now, after the holidays & the weight-gain associated with it, all the junk I've ate and how much I feel icky, ugly, fat, & gross. No matter how many people have told me they think I'm beautiful, or look a lot better it's just hard to see it myself.  So when this came to mind, I'd like to think that it was my heavenly Father reminding me.

Joyce's Confident Women Devotional I started this year talked about a verse in this Psalm (my favorite Psalm by-the-way) & how we are unique; that no talent we have increases our value or a talent we don't have decreases it.  With my battle at finding my self-worth & not giving in to my feelings at the start of this year, this was a nice reminder.

I'm about to start a fast on sweets &  portion sizes & I think my focus may be to begin my 'things I'm thankful for journal' this time with at least one thing I'm thankful for each night.  Also I'm sure that when I start eating healthy again it will help me feel better about myself because honestly when you take care of yourself & eat healthy, you feel better & more confident. You should love God enough to take care of the hand-crafted, personal, & unique image of Himself He gave you & ONLY you.